RWBY's Let's Play Channel
by ExactChase
Summary: RWBY and JNPR start up a YouTube channel. Hilarity Ensues
1. Let's Play - GTA V - Ruby's Heist

"You're probably wondering why I've brought you all here today." Ruby said. She had turned the RWBY dorm room into a conference room, with eight monitors on the table. "And why we have a camera set up in here."

"We already know why!" Nora said.

"Shut up, Nora!"

"Okay!"

"As some of you may already know, we have started a YouTube channel."

"We all know!" Weiss said.

Ruby pulled out a handgun and set it on the table.

"Next person to interrupt me gets a bullet to the face."

"You told us to keep interrupting you!" Jaune said.

Ruby picked up the gun and cocked it.

"This is my cue to shut the fuck up." He said. The others laughed, but Ruby somehow kept a straight face.

"Anyway," Ruby said. "We're doing a heist. In GTA Online. Here's the plan; four drivers, me, Blake, Jaune, and Ren. Each have the armored car that came out with the disappointing heists. Blake and Jaune, you transport the robbers to the store. Ren and I will transport the stuff-fuckers to the store as well."

"What's a 'stuff-fucker'?" Pyrrha asked.

"Someone who fucks shit up. Yang, Nora. That's you. Pyrrha, Weiss. You're the robbers."

"Where's the store." Ren asked.

"It's the one by Trevor's house. Now once we rob the place, Team 1. JNPR. Team 2. RWBY. We won't take the highway, but rather the back roads. There are two roads leading to Chilliad that are close. JNPR, you guys go down the first road. We're going down the second. Everybody got the plan?"

Everyone nodded.

"Good. Now, JNPR, get out of my face."

They all fired up their Xboxes and Ruby loaded up an invite-only session and invited everyone. Ruby then went around making sure that everyone's capture cards were on and recording. After a little sync, they began. All sitting around in Ruby's high-end apartment. "You're all good, right? Know what you need to get?" Ruby asked.

"I need to get laid!" Jaune blurted out, making everyone laugh, even Weiss and Ren.

"Too bad!" Yang said, still laughing. "Gotta admit," Weiss said. "That was a good one, Arc."

During the set-up, the group was standing outside the Ammu-Nation, Jaune went to surprise punch Nora, yelling "SURPRISE PUNCH!" But she moved out of the way and he accidentally punched Ruby instead.

""""""DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!""""""

Everyone ran in different directions, laughing.

"I didn't think Jaune would be an abusive boyfriend!" Yang said.

"Ruby," Jaune said, still laughing. "I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay," she said. "I'll just another you in your sleep."

"Sounds fair."

"If we're going to to this store, we gotta look like badasses." Ruby said. "Meet me at Ponsonby's."

"Which one?" Blake asked.

"Use your fucking map!"

"Right."

Jaune was the first to get there, but as he got out of his car, Yang slammed into his car and knocked him down. She was followed by Ren, Pyrrha, Blake, Weiss, and finally Nora, who landed a helicopter out front. "I'm... I'm not even gonna bitch about that." Ruby said. "That was impressive."

"Thanks."

Ruby wore a black suit with a red tie, black leather gloves, and a black tinted motorcycle helmet. "Wear what I'm wearing, but the tie can be whatever color you want."

Weiss's tie was grey, since a white tie wouldn't work. Blake's was black, Yang's was yellow, as was Jaune's, Pyrrha's was red, Nora's, orange, Ren's, green.

"Lastly," Ruby said. "Code names. Jaune, Skywalker. Nora, Hulk. Pyrrha, Champ. Ren, Lotus. Yang, Yellow, Blake, Black, Weiss, White, I'm Red."

"Let's do this!" Ruby yelled. Each armored vehicle sat outside of the store, Yang and Nora ready to fuck some shit up. "LLLLET'S HEIST!" Ruby bellowed.

Pyrrha and Weiss ran into the store, equipping their weapons. "Give me all the fucking money!" Pyrrha demanded.

"What 'Champ' said!" Weiss said.

"He's probably like, 'isn't Champ a boy's name'?" Jaune said, mimicking an Indian accent. "Please don't kill me! I have tech support clients waiting for me'!" They all laughed. Meanwhile, Nora and Yang began blowing up cars, being sure not to blow up the getaway vehicles.

"Got the money!" Pyrrha announced. "Let's get outta here!" Yang jumped into Ruby's car, Weiss hopped into Blake's and RWBY sped off. However, JNPR had complications, the first car Nora tried to get into was filled and the cops had just arrived, so by the time she got to Ren's car, she got gunned down, going silent.

"Hulk down!" Ren said, going on without her. "Hulk down!"

"She did her job!" Ruby said.

JPR took their turn and RWBY theirs. They successfully made it to the top of Chiliad, where a bus was waiting. "Everybody in the bus!" Ruby commanded.

"This wasn't part of the plan!" Jaune said.

"It was. I just never told you about it."

They all still got on the bus and waited.

"I had a good friend of ours grab a cargobob and pick us up." Ruby explained.

"Who?" Ren asked.

"Wassup, bitches!" A familiar voice shouted.

"Sun?" Blake asked, as the helicopter picked them up.

"Yeah, it's me!"

Sun flew them all the way to the airport and set them down, but before he could land, Ruby got out and blasted him with a rocket launcher.

""""""HOLY SHIT!""""""

"More money for the rest of us." Ruby explained. "Pyrrha, share the money."

"Okay."

"Success!" Jaune declared.

"You mean, 'Sun-cess'!" Yang asked

""""""""GOD-DAMMIT YANG!""""""""

"I got murdered!" Sun yelled out.

"I got offed by the pigs!" Nora declared.

"Sorry, Sun." Ruby said. "You're not part of the crew and you knew too much."

"It's okay, I get it." He said. "Had to make sure I didn't squeal."

"Let's stop." Ruby said.


	2. Immersion - Video Game Car

"The following video contains stunts performed by trained professionals on a closed course, under strict supervision. Any attempts to recreate these activities could result in injury, death, and significant damages to personal property." Yang said, reading off of a note-card. "And you would forever be known as the person who died trying to imitate something off the internet. Don't try this at home."

"Y'know," Weiss said. "The guys here at... The office, play a lot of video games, and one of my favorite kinds of games to play, are third person shooters, where you can drive a car from third person perspective. Then I thought, 'wouldn't it be fun to drive a real car in third person'? But you can't really do that. Or can you?"

"I figured, I've got a lot of free time, and enough money to buy a new car. Now, Blake what have you done to this car?"

Blake led Weiss over to a blue truck, with a square pole sticking out of the hitch. It was covered in duct tape and weights, with a camera on top. "We custom fit this pole to the hitch and mounted an expensive camera on top. Connected to that, is a monitor just behind the steering wheel. And we've blacked out the windows to ensure no peeking." Blake explained.

"And over here we have our test subjects; Ruby and Jaune." Weiss said, pointing to the two. "We also have our valet." The valet she referred to included; Ren and Nora. "Why do they have bats?" Jaune asked.

"Not important. Ruby, you're first."

"But, I've never driven—"

"Get in the damn car!"

Ruby sprinted forward, using her semblance when the two tried to hit her with their bats. Once she was in the car, she looked to the passenger seat, to see Yang with a camera. "Oh, Yang! Thank God! How do you drive a car?"

After a few minutes, the car pulled forward, Ruby hit every cone, and every blow-up pedestrian.

"Ruby definitely failed." Blake said.

"Jaune go." Weiss said.

Jaune ran forward, getting wailed on by the bats. Once he griot into the car, Yang said to him, "Please don't kill me, I'm not wearing a seatbelt."

Jaune drove, not hitting a single cone, or pedestrian. When he got back, Weiss announced the winner. "Jaune is the winner."

"Yes! I win science! Suck it, Ruby!"

"Not while the cameras are rolling please."


	3. Shorts - Don't Touch

Weiss stood in the kitchen of the office that she had bought them after a few noise complaints were filed. She was putting her name on her lunch, so that no one else would eat it. "You really think that'll stop anyone?" Yang asked.

"Maybe." Weiss said, getting a cup of coffee, and walking away with the blonde. Ruby popped out of her office and grabbed Weiss' sandwich. Licking it a few times, she took a bite. "This tastes terrible!" She said.

"Ha!" Weiss said, turning the corner. "I knew someone would try to eat my sandwich, so I loaded it with salt!" She held out the shaker, not seeing that it read "Yang's Salt Do Not Touch" while Ruby fell to her knees, gagging.

"Ha!" Yang said. "I knew someone had been using my salt, so I loaded it with Rat Poison!" She held out the box of Rat Poison.

"Ha!" Jaune said. "I knew someone had been using my Rat Poison, so I loaded it with protein powder!"

"Why protein powder?" Yang asked.

"Because then the rats could become stronger and kill you!"

"..."

"I watch a lot of TV."

"Wait," Weiss said. "If that was protein powder, then why is Ruby dying?"

"Allergic...to...healthy stuff." Ruby said.

"What did you do with the rat poison?" Yang asked.

"I put it in the coffee pot, nobody uses that thing." Jaune said.

They all looked down at their coffee and fell over. Ruby stood and grabbed a coffee cup that read, "Nora's coffee Do Not Touch."

"Quit fucking around," Ruby said. "Get back to work."


	4. RWBY Life - Jaune's Dilemma

"So," Ruby said as Yang pointed a camera at her. "Jaune forgot something back at the dorms. The only thing is, we all walk to work everyday, and it's pouring. Luckily, I just bought a rain cover for the camera, and I'm gonna go with him." Ruby took the camera, and turned to Jaune. "You ready?" She asked.

"No, not really."

"Don't be a pussy. No offense, Blake."

"I hadn't taken offense until you said that." Blake said.

"Whatever."

Ruby and Jaune charged out into the rain and ran to the airships that would take them to Beacon. "Fuck!" Ruby yelled.

"What?"

"Almost fell."

"Don't be a p— FUCK ME!"

Jaune slipped and fell flat on his back, as he got up, Ruby laughed at him. He showed her his middle finger and took off again, the airships in sight.

The two sprinted into the airship, sopping wet.


	5. Let's Watch - My Name is Ruby

So I've decided that since I couldn't figure out what to do for Let's Watch, I just decided to have them read fanfiction, since I don't have permission to do anyone else's work, I'll do my own!

"So," Ruby said. "We couldn't decide what to do for Let's Watch, and we stumbled across some fanfiction, today, we'll read the most interesting looking one."

"What about this one?" Jaune asked.

"What's it about?" Blake asked.

"It's called, 'My Name is Ruby' and the description says, 'You know the kind of chick who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why her life sucks? Well, that was me. Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting round the corner: Karma. That's when I realized that I had to change, so I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and one by one I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes'. It's about Ruby."

"I'm in." Ruby said.

"How much you wanna bet the writer is fangirling right now?" Yang asked.

"It's a guy." Ren said.

"How do you know?"

"How many chicks do you know named Chase?"

"How do know that's their name?"

"Their username is ExactChase."

"Whatever."

"Let's read!" Ruby said.

You know that chick you see going into the convenience store when you stop off in that little town on the way to Grandma's house?

"If this is me talking..." Ruby said.

Sort of shifty lookin' fella who buys a pack of smokes, a couple lotto scratchers and a tallboy at 10:00 in the mornin'? The kind of chick you wait to come out before you and your family go in? Well, that chick's me. My name is Ruby.

"Fuck!" Ruby yelled.

And if you took the time to really get to know me find out what kind of person I truly am instead of just stereotyping me because of the way I look,

"Oh, I'm just a victim of stereotyping." Ruby said.

"Read the next line." Weiss said.

well, you'd be wasting your time. Because I'm exactly who you think I am. Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything that isn't nailed down.

"Damnit!"

I wasn't always like that, when I was fifteen I was a good person. What happened? I won't go into details, but my sister, Yang and I had a disagreement that ended up with me knocking her out, stealing everything she owned and selling it all for a plane ticket to Mystral.

Yang sighed.

"What?" Ruby asked.

"Nothing."

"What?"

"No way in hell you could knock me out."

"Gonna have to agree with you there."

That was ten years ago, I haven't been in contact with my team, my friends, or Yang the entire time.

I had been stealing everything that wasn't nailed down, up until three weeks ago, when I won the lottery. $100,000.

"I won the lottery!" Ruby exclaimed.

But, in my excitement, I forgot to look both ways when I ran into the street and got hit by a car, losing my ticket.

""""""""Damn.""""""""

When I came to, my best friend, Randy went searching for the ticket, but I knew he wouldn't find it. I probably would have been more upset, if I wasn't so doped up. On top of that, my roommate kicked me out. Of my own trailer! Just so her boyfriend and two kids could stay with her. Also, my husband, Earl, divorced me, turns out he had been cheating on me and finally decided that she was better than me.

""""""""(I'm) Ruby's married?""""""""

My roommate, Joy walked into my hospital room. "Ruby, you got a week to get your crap the hell out." She said, speaking with a southern accent.

"Okay!" I said, still doped up.

Now, I've never been much of a complainer,

Yang laughed.

but lyin'in traction that night knowing that I no longer had a home and no longer had a $100,000 lottery ticket well, I think I might have cried if I wasn't afraid of Randy waking up and seeing me.

Then it happened. I was just flipping channels and he came on.

"Forget about me." The man on the screen said. "I wanna know about you. I wanna know about Carson Daily. Every time I see you, you got a beautiful woman on your arm. You got a talk show, you got your own record company. What's your secret?"

"If you must know, uh, I'm Satan." The other man said, earning a laugh from the first. "Seriously," he said. "I've been very blessed. I also believe that what goes around comes around. And that's how I try and live my life.

You do good things and good things happen to you. You do bad things, and it'll come back to haunt you. It's karma."

Karma. There it was. The secret of life coming straight from Carson Daily's lips to my morphine-laced ears.

When they finally released me from the hospital, we checked into a motel. It didn't take Randy long to make friends with the help. It never does.

"How long is your break, Catalina?" He asked.

"I'm on my own schedule for the afternoon." The maid answered.

"Do good things and good things happen to you. Do bad things and it'll come back to haunt you." I said out loud.

"That's deep, Ruby." Randy said.

"I'm talking about Karma."

"Who's Karma? I don't know."

"Something Carson Daily came up with. He says he does good things in life and that's why his life is so great. Got me thinkin'. My life sucks and I ain't ever done anything good in a while."

"Who is this Carson Daly? Is he some sort of spiritual leader? - A holy man?" Catalina asked.

RWBY and JNPR laughed.

"If I want a better life, I need to be a better person." I said, pulling out my List, and going outside to pick up trash.

"You heard me Weiss." Ruby said.

Weiss flipped Ruby off.

"What's this?" Randy asked.

"I made a list of everything bad I've ever done."

"Why?"

"Why? Randy, I just won $100,000 in the lottery, and was immediately hit by a car.

I almost died because somethin' good happened to me that I didn't deserve.

That karma stuff is gonna kill me unless I make up for everything on that list. Number 23- peed in the back of a cop car. I'm no longer proud of that. Number 41 - snatched a kid's Halloween candy when he came to my trailer to trick or treat. That was wrong, and I know that now. Number 102- harmed and possibly killed innocent people with secondhand smoke."

"How are you going to fix these things?"

"Start with the easy ones. Like, um, number 64-Picked on Kenny James. I used to torment the hell out of that poor boy back in school."

"What do you think you're gonna do about it now?"

"This is going to be boring." Nora said.

"Do something nice for him, and then cross him off the list."

"Excuse me." Catalina said. "But if my boss comes back and sees there's no garbage in the parking lot he's gonna get used to it like that. So can you please put it back?"

"Go fuck yourself!" Ruby said.

"No, I can't. Number 136- I've been a litterbug."

"Cross that one off your stupid list." Randy said.

"I can't cross it off the list. Not until I've picked up as much as I littered. And my list isn't stupid either. It's my road map to a better life."

"Well, I hope that road has free gas and free food and a van big enough for us to sleep in 'cause we've just spent our last $45 on this room. And I'm not cuttin' into my beer money for some stupid-ass crusade."

"Same." Yang said.

As he said this, my winning lottery ticket floated to my feet. "Son of a bitch." I said. "It's working."

When I went over to the lottery office, they sure made a big fuss. Randy had an idea to get an extra 100,000 out of the deal. But I knew it wasn't gonna work. When they took my picture with the giant check, I was worried that my old friends might see it and track me down? So my eyes were closed.

"Why is this her main concern?" Blake asked.

I wanted to get started on my list as soon as possible, so my life would start gettin' better.

Hell, it was already better. Our new friend Catalina had the day off and nothin'to do so Randy had somethin' pretty to look at.

"Which house belongs to this boy you tortured? That's his parents' house right over there." She said.

"We don't know where Kenny lives now, but Randy'll find out." I said. "Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's four."

"But I'm still thirsty." Randy said.

"Look, you had four. You can have another one when you come out."

Randy's a pro, so long as he's got the right number of beers in seems to be the magic number. Any more and he starts to get unpredictable.

"Like Yang?" Ruby asked.

"Fuck you, Ruby." Yang said.

"That's incest."

"It's called Enabler." Jaune said.

Randy hadn't been inside Kenny's parents' house since we robbed it in high school and all we got was a backpack full of birds.

"Ruby's a piece of shit." Pyrrha said.

I could hear the sound of sirens approaching. In case you're wondering how many beers it takes for Randy to get himself into trouble nine seems to be the magic number. Luckily, he got Kenny's address before he pissed off Mr. James.

"Damn." Weiss said.

At first we had a little trouble finding Kenny's house. You see, Randy wrote the address on his hand, and sweated off the last digit during his getaway.

I wasn't proud of the way I treated Kenny. I watched him for a few days and tried to figure out how to make up for all the abuse I put him through. Kenny had a good job as an assistant manager at the Copy Hut a powder blue car he took pride in and the nicest house on the block.

"Stalker." Nora said.

But he didn't have anyone to share it with. He was lonely. There was something special missin'in his life that every man needs to feel whole.

"I gotta get him laid." I told the other two.

"What?"

"I made him feel bad his whole childhood.

If I wanna cross him off my list, I gotta make him feel good. A little pleasure to make up for all that pain."

"What kind of woman are you gonna get to have sex with a scrawny little man like that?" Catalina asked.

"Yeah," Randy said. "Don't you need muscles to get laid?"

"Not with Patty, you don't." I said.

Patty wasn't your run-of-the-mill prostitute. She was a daytime hooker. It takes a special kind of woman to sell sexual favors in the light of day. And I was right. Patty doesn't care if a man has muscles. Muscles can't buy Mad Dog.

"Why's Ruby hanging out with a prostitute?" Ren asked.

"Hey, Patty." I said.

"Hey, guys." She said. "Is it Randy's birthday already?"

"No, we got another job for you."

When Patty came out of Kenny's house, not five minutes after we sent her in, I knew something was up. "How'd it go?" I asked.

"He gave me $10 to help baby monkeys."

I knocked on Kenny's door. "You think he'll remember you?" Randy asked.

"Oh God!" Kenny yelled when he saw me.

""""""""Yes.""""""""

"Kenny, calm down."

"I have a restraining order against you, Ruby Rose!"

"But that was written on a brown paper bag by the school nurse 20 years ago. Besides, I made you eat it, remember?"

"Mistake!" Nora pointed out. "This takes place ten years from now! Not twenty!"

"Yeah, just take whatever you want!"

"All I wanna do is talk!"

"If you're giving stuff away, can I have this?" Randy asked, picking up a CD player.

"Put it down!" I told him.

"But it's a CD player!"

"Put it down! Listen, Kenny. I'm here to help you."

"I don't need your help!"

"Buddy, you just gave up a chance to have free sex with a daytime hooker. You need my help."

"Ruby?" Randy asked.

"Not now! Shut that drawer! Kenny, I'm here to help you find a woman so that you can be happy."

"Ruby, I think you're trying' to sell a cat to a man who fancies dogs." Randy said, holding out a gay porn magazine.

""""""""Didn't see that coming!""""""""

I know this might sound crazy in this day and age but we live in a small town, and I've never been face-to-face with a gay before.

I understand now the runnin' probably wasn't necessary.

"Ya think?" Pyrrha asked.

"That's it." I said. "Kenny's off the list."

"Isn't that against the rules?" Randy asked.

"The guy was gay. Gay. That's special circumstances. I don't have to help if there's special circumstances. Here. Get us a couple of cheeseburgers from the machine."

I walked into the motel room, to find it trashed, and then I got smacked in the back of the head with a phone by Earl, my ex-husband.

"Abuse!" Jaune yelled.

"What the hell?!" I asked, as Catalina walked in. "Who's the whore?" Earl asked.

"Verbally and physically." Yang added.

"What did you call me?" Catalina asked.

"She's the maid." I said.

"Did you think I wasn't gonna find out? Damn." He said.

"Look at that. My eyes are closed."

"Is that what you're worried about?" Blake asked.

"I want half that lotto money, Ruby."

"And I wanted a husband who didn't cheat on me! But I guess life's full of disappointments, ain't it!"

"Ooh." Weiss said.

"I want half that lotto money!" He said as he walked out.

"That's your ex?" Catalina asked.

"Yep. I'd be lying if I said I was gonna miss him."

"What happened?" Randy asked

"Karma."

And I believed it too. Think about it. As soon as I decided not to help Kenny Earl broke into my room and beat me up with a phone. That's when I realized I have to stick to the plan. There are no special circumstances.

I may have made the list, but I do not make the rules. Karma makes the rules. The one-legged girl would have to wait! Kenny had to be first.

When I went back to Kenny's I had to shove the door open. "Stay back!" He told me. "I bought mace!"

"I just wanna talk!"

He went to spray me, but was holding it backwards and sprayed himself.

They all laughed at Kenny's stupidity

"How's it feeling now?" I asked.

"Better. Thanks for pinning me down on the ground prying my eyes open and pouring the milk in."

"You steal enough purses you learn a thing or two about mace."

"I know right?" Yang said.

"Why don't you have a man, Kenny? What? If you like men why don't you, uh, have a man?"

"That's none of your business."

"No it's not."

"Trust me, I don't really wanna know.

It's just you seem lonely.

And I gotta figure out how I'm gonna help you so I can cross you off my list."

"What list?"

"You're number 64. But don't let that fool you.

I'm doin' you first.

You see, Kenny, my life sucks.

And it's because I've been a bad person.

I'm hopin' if I can do some good things then maybe some good things might finally happen to me."

"You're talking about Karma."

"You're a Carson Daily fan too, eh?"

"Ruby's an idiot!" Nora said.

"You're really trying to change? If I don't, I think life's gonna kill me.

I don't have a man because nobody knows I'm gay. You know what this town is like, Ruby. Besides, even if people knew, where am I gonna meet anyone? What about the city?"

"Don't they have special bars for the queers? I'm sorry. Homosexual Mystralians."

Laughter

"I tried that once, drove an hour and a half just to sit in my car, too scared to go in."

"I'll go with you. Also, if you wanna know my biggest secret, look up my name in the missing persons database."

"Registry!" Blake corrected.

"You're a missing person?"

"For ten years. I used to go to Beacon."

"Beacon Academy?"

"Yeah, skipped two years to get in after I stopped the White Fang from robbing a dust shop, anyway, let's go."

I didn't wanna be the only non-gay there so luckily, Randy agreed to go as soon as he heard there were gonna be bubbles.

After I hooked Kenny up with a guy, I crossed him off the list. And never underestimate 15 beers a little enlightenment and the power of Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock. Well, one down, 258 to go.

""""""""258?!""""""""


	6. Let's Play - GTA V - Weiss' Heist

Ruby stood in front of the two teams once more, this time in their new office, and with a map behind her.

"The first heist video did so well, that we've decided to do another one, but for today, we have a different planner. I present to you, Ms. Weiss Schnee." Ruby went and sat down, while Weiss took her place. "Here's the plan," she said. "We need four semi's, a van, a cargobob, and a Titan. Ruby, Yang you two get the Titan. Pyrrha, you're in charge of the cargobob, the rest of you get the semi's, and I'll get the van. I'll pull up to the store, hop out of the van, fuck up the place and haul ass. The semi's will then box me in and we'll drive down the highway until we get here." She pointed to where the highway forked. "The store being the one, just beside the highway, near where Ruby's was."

"The store we did my heist is now a dildo factory." Ruby said.

"That's bullshit. They've been building that building by the Maze Bank for like two years now. How could they build a factory in a week?"

"Anyway," Weiss continued. "Once we get to that point, Pyrrha will pick up the van with the cargobob, and take me to Ruby and Yang, who will be waiting at the airport. The semi guys will then call in their fastest cars and try to meet us at the airport before we lift off."

"What if we don't make it?" Jaune asked.

"Follow the plane with your car. You probably won't have a wanted level, so you'll be fine. Everybody got it?"

RWBY and JNPR sat around Weiss' high end apartment. "Let's go." Weiss said.

After a bit of set-up, Weiss pulled up to the store in her van, and ran in. "GIVE ME THE GOD DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING MONEY!" Weiss yelled.

Weiss got the money and ran out, into the van. She drive to the semi's and a fourth one closed her in. They drove to a fork in the road, and stopped. "This might go well." Blake said. Not two seconds later, a cop car crashed into Blake, Jaune, and Ren, earnings them all a wanted level. "Goddammit Blake." Jaune said. As Pyrrha tried to pick Weiss up, she saw a message just above her mini-map: "JauneArc died"

"RWBYBlake died"

"LieRen died"

"Lone survivor!" Nora exclaimed as Pyrrha picked Weiss up.

Pyrrha flew Weiss to the airport, losing the cops, they all got in the Titan. "Bout time you guys got here." Ruby said. "The best part is: I get Jaune's life insurance!"

"You're only his girlfriend, not his wife." Yang said. "Also, Jaune has life insurance?"

"Let's just go."

As they took off, Nora pulled in. "Bye Nora!" Ruby called back.

"Fuck!" Nora said.

Once Weiss shared cash from last job, Ruby flew over the military base, and she and Yang hopped out seconds before the plane was shot down.

Earlier...

As everyone walked out of the conference room, Ruby stopped Yang. "Yang. Once Weiss shares the cash, I'll fly over the military base, and we both jump out, okay?" She said.

"Sounds like a good deal." Yang said.

Present...

"What's with you and backstabbing people!" Weiss said as all the dead came back.

"Makes things interesting." Ruby said.

"""""""True."""""""

"Let's stop."


	7. RWBY and JNPR Weekly Update

"It's the weekly update!" Ruby announced, being the only one on camera. "The videos that are coming out this week are... Let's Play GTA: Weiss' Heist, RWBY JNPR Podcast is being streamed live tonight at eight (A/N: I took down the podcast chapter, reuploading at eight.) Um, we have the first episode of Go! Don't die that's Tuesday. Let's Play: Deadpool on Wednesday. Thursday is a new Immersion, preview of that during the podcast. Friday, a new short, Catch, that one's hilarious. Saturday, Let's Watch: Darkly Dreaming Ruby. That was dark. Well, that's all the videos for this week, now to you Jaune."

Jaune stood in front of the camera. "So the game releases for this week are; Galacide, for the PC, King's Quest Episode One: A KNIGHT To Remember. There's Yang's pun. For the Xbox, Playstation, and PC. Life is Strange: Episode 4: Darkroom, for the Xbox, Playstation and PC. Lost Dimensions, for the PS3 and Vita. Magic Duels Origins for the PC. Angry Birds 2, for the PC. There are enough Angry Birds Games. Onikira: Demon Killer, for the PC. And Swindle for PS3, Ps4, Vita, and PC. Fuck You Achievement of the Week, is in Forza Horizon 2 Presents Fast and Furious, called 'Chain Reaction' it requires you to 'Bank a skill chain of 15,000 or more' So, that's what I spent an hour doing last night. Now to Blake with the news."

"There's not a lot going on, so this should be simple." Blake said. "WWE 2K16 let's you play as the Terminator. I don't play those games, I think Yang does though. Also, PS4 mouse and keyboard controller just revealed, so that interesting. Also, there will be no split screen in Halo 5, at all. That's all I got."

"Video of the Week this week, is... Let's Watch: My Name is Ruby." Ruby said. "That's it for the weekly update."


	8. Podcast 1 - Why Is Ruby So Pale?

Ruby: This is Podcast number 1 with:

Jaune: Jaune

Yang: Yang

Blake: Blake

Ruby: Ruby

Jaune: and Jaune.

Blake: Jaune twice?

Yang: There are two Jaune's in here.

Ruby: Double Jaune.

Yang: Ruby, mind explaining why you were running around the office screaming today?

Ruby: I got %100 in every Arkham game.

Jaune: That's impressive.

Ruby: Took me... Seven years.

Blake: that's because the first game came out seven years ago.

Ruby: A lot of those achievements were hard as dicks.

Blake, Jaune, and Yang: [laugh]

Ruby: What?

Blake: [still laughing] hard as dicks?!

Ruby: You've never heard that expression before?

Yang: It fits.

Jaune: I'm not sure if that's an innuendo.

Yang: I didn't mean for it to be, but I totally did it on purpose

Blake: that's contradictory

Yang: Like your face!

Lancaster: Oooooooh

Ruby: Shots fired!

[shot glass misses Yang's head by an inch and shatters against the wall.]

Yang: What the hell? Who threw that?

Ren:[offset] Nora did!

Nora:[Also offset] You sold me out!

[Yang gets up and runs offset after Nora]

Ruby: Pyrrha! Get a camera and go after them, this could be the next RWBY Life!

Jaune: Why's it called RWBY life when it's not just RWBY?

Ruby: Because I couldn't think of a better name.

Blake: The whole channel is called RWBY. Don't worry, we already registered a domain for,

Jaune: Yes!

Blake: Aren't we streaming this live on YouTube?

Ruby: Yeah. It's going to be Monday's for us. Speaking of live streaming; if you use the hashtag: #RJPodcast, you can ask us questions. On Twitter, of course.

Blake: How long do you think before someone asks a weird question?

Jaune: Not long.

Ruby: You can't ask that!

Jaune: Called it!

Blake: What?

Ruby: Burnie Burns asks; "Why is Ruby so Goddamned pale?" Because I'm secretly Michael Jackson.

Yang: I thought it was because you have %100 on every game you've ever played.

Blake: You're back.

Nora: Call an ambulance!

[Yang gives Nora, who is still offset the middle finger]

Ruby: Miles Luna asks, "Why does Yang know so much about Ruby?"

Yang: Half-sister

Ruby: Twitter just blew up with "Bullshit"s.

Yang: Want me to do a fucking DNA test?!

Ruby: Finally someone being respectful! Lindsay Jones says, "You two look nothing alike, and your last names are different."

Blake: my first impression was that they were just close friends

Jaune: I knew they were sisters before I met Yang, which was a bit after I met Ruby.

Blake:[in child's voice] How did Mommy and Daddy meet again?

Jaune: Mommy blew the fuck up.

All: [laugh]

Weiss:[offset] Correction: She blew ME the fuck up!

Ruby: For the people watching, Weiss was shaking a bottle of dust and I sneezed, shit blew up. Jaune helped me up and we talked for a bit. Also, Michael Jones asks, "Are Ruby and Jaune dating?" Yes.

Yang: Did you know that there are OTPs

Blake: I like Enabler

Yang: FUCK THAT

Ruby: I'm unfamiliar with Enabler, what is it?

Blake: it's you and Yang in a sexual relationship

Ruby: DA FUCK?!

Jaune & Blake: [laughing]

Ruby: A lot of people are saying something about how I should ditch Jaune and go White Rose.

Blake: That's you and Weiss

Ruby:[clears throat and gets close to the mic, whispering] I'm hetero.

Ruby:[normally] Yes, I'm sure.

Blake: You know what's funny? Very few people ship the canon relationships. Like Weiss' boyfriend doesn't work here. My boyfriend, got killed at the end of Ruby's Heist. Yang and Pyrrha are single, and Ren and Nora claim to be just friends, but we all see what's really going on.

Ruby: Barbara Dunkelman wants to know why everyone here is hetero.

Jaune: that's just the way it is.

Yang: Can't believe people wanted Ruby and I to be together. Sick fucks.

Blake: in their defense, they didn't know you were sisters. If you weren't sisters, would you go for her?

Yang: Goth isn't my type.

Ruby: I'm not goth!

Jaune: a lot of people were probably surprised to see what you really look like, in the heist video, everything is black and white, your face wasn't shown until—

Ruby: The next day, in Immersion.

Jaune: Speaking of Immersion, did we ever get clearance for that thing we were gonna do?

Ruby: Jaune. We filmed it yesterday.

Jaune: I know. I just wanted to build suspense.

Ruby: we were gonna play a teaser weren't we?

Blake: Yeah.

[intro to video starts to play]

Weiss: In games like; Grand Theft Auto, you can take down a helicopter with any weapon, as long as you shoot the right place. But, that wouldn't work in real life, would it?

[video ends]

Ruby: That was dangerous as hell.

Yang: Where was I?

Blake: Weiss thought it best that you weren't there.

Yang: Why?

Blake: Watch the video Thursday to find out!

Ruby: Jaune, what about that new show starring me?

Jaune: Not ready yet.

Blake: What new show?

Jaune: It's a comedy/drama

Yang: Those two don't go together.

Blake: Like you and Ruby do?

Yang: I'm going to fucking kill you!

Ruby: Jaune. As you were saying?

Jaune: It's about Ruby. And that's all I can tell you.

Yang: Can you at least tell us the title?

Jaune: That would be a dead giveaway.

Blake: Why?

Jaune: It's based off of a fanfic.

Ruby: OH MY GOD

Ruby:[laughing]

Others: What?

Ruby: Professor Ozpin just said, "White Rose is my OTP."

All: [silent]

Ruby: What

Yang: The

Jaune: Actual

Blake: Fuck?

Ruby: How 'bout we ignore that?

Others: Agreed.

Ruby: Gustavo Sorola asks, "It's my understanding that you all go to Beacon, right?" Yes. "Well, then why is Ruby there? Does she just look 15 or is she actually 15?" I am 15, yes. I skipped two years after I stopped the White Fang from robbing a dust shop.

Jaune: Anyone else hungry as fuck?

Yang: Nah

Blake: Not really, no

Ruby: meh.

Jaune: Just me?

Ruby: Just you.

Jaune: This is totally unrelated, but am I the only one who's ever taken air in through their anus?

Ruby: WHAT THE FUCK

Bumblebee:[laughing]

Ruby: Personally, no. And, Yang's taken a lot of things in her ass, but probably not air. Am I right?

Yang: Fuck you.

Ruby: I thought you didn't like Enabler.

Yang: I hate you.

Ruby: No you don't.

Yang: You're right.

Blake: What did Jaune mean by Ass Air?

Others: Ass Air?

Jaune: Like, you're under your desk on all fours-Ruby:[overlapping dialogue] Yang's favorite position.- plugging something in and you just feel a whoosh of air rush into your anus. Just me?

Blake: Just you.

Yang: Why is it that Ruby thinks I'm a whore?

Ruby: Have you looked in a mirror?

Yang: all day everyday.

Ruby: it's what you wear. Also, a lot of people are agreeing with Jaune. [looks into camera] What the fuck?

Blake: While, we're on the topic of the ass. Did you know that half the population sits and wipes, and the other half stands and the one half doesn't know the other exists?

Ruby: People stand and wipe?

Jaune: people sit and wipe?

Ruby: Jaune, I'm sorry, but I can't date a stand-shitter.

Jaune: I don't stand and shit! I stand and wipe!

Blake: Now Enabler can become a reality!

Ruby & Yang: FUCK OFF!

Jaune: That's just fucking crazy. The sit and wipe thing.

Yang: I'll have to agree with Jaune.

Blake: we're separated by hair color. Brunette versus blonde.

Ruby: I'm naturally blonde.

Jaune & Blake: WHAT?!

Ruby: I'm fucking with you.

Jaune: Oh.

Blake: That was... Believable.

Jaune: Yang's blonde.

Yang: I'm actually a redhead.

Jaune: Really?

Yang: Fucking... NO!

Blake: How much longer is this going to be?

Ruby: uh...thirteen minutes.

Blake: Thank God.

Ruby: Twelve.

Blake: Thanks.

Ruby: Eleven.

Blake: Shut the fuck up.

Jaune: Ruby, we should do a Let's Play with just me and you.

Ruby: Play Pals.

Jaune: It's got a name! It's official!

Ruby: I'll put it on Tuesday. When we get around to it.

Blake: You know what would be funny? Get Yang to play the Impossible Game.

Ruby: That'd be hilarious!

Yang: That sounds frustrating.

Blake: That's the point.

Ruby: it's about time to wrap up. Five minutes.

Jaune: Same Jaune-Time. Same Jaune-Channel

[another shot glass]

Jaune:[runs after Nora]

Pyrrha: Don't worry! I was filming before she threw it!

[end]


	9. Go 1 - Don't Die

"Okay," Ruby said, standing in the middle of the room with a microphone. "This is Go. You have to be the first person to do something, could be anything. Could be... Smash your Xbox." Jaune went to pick up his Xbox.

"Don't do it! Well, you know how there are gang attacks in GTA V?"

They all nodded.

"Well, you have to start one, and be the first one to not die. GO!"

"Good thing we just filmed Blake's heist." Yang said. They all were in the same game still. Jaune quit the game and went to a public lobby. Yang was the first one to start a gang attack. She quickly took cover. "Can we kill the guys?" She asked.

"No." Ruby said.

"Fuck! Dammit! I died!"

"Yang's out!"

"Dammit!" Weiss cried out. She had also died.

"Weiss is out!"

"Die fuckers!" Nora yelled.

"Nora broke the rules! She's out!"

Ren slammed his fists down on his desk.

"Ren's out! Pyrrha, Jaune and Blake are all that are left!"

"Mother Fucker!" Blake yelled.

"Blake's out."

"AHHHHH!" Jaune screamed. "I was so fucking close!"

"Pyrrha wins the first week of Go! Pyrrha, what's it like to do something noteworthy?"

"Fuck you."

"I'm straight, sorry. Let's stop."

A/N: Just so you know, I'm taking suggestions for Let's Play Wednesday. Your input would be highly appreciated.


	10. Immersion - Helicopter Takedown

The following video contains stunts performed by trained professionals on a closed course, under strict supervision. Any attempts to recreate these activities could result in injury, death, and significant damages to personal property." Yang said, reading off of a note-card. "And you would forever be known as the person who died trying to imitate something off the internet. Don't try this at home."

"In games like; Grand Theft Auto, you can take down a helicopter with any weapon, as long as you shoot the right place. But, that wouldn't work in real life, would it?" Weiss asked.

"How are we gonna do this one?" Weiss asked, now standing in a field.

"Well," Blake said. "We'll be testing both ways to take one of these fuckers down." She patted the police helicopter beside her. "Shoot the back rotors, and take out the pilot." She showed Weiss the mannequin in the cockpit. "If either one of the test subjects shoots Wally here, you let go of the controller and they run into the bunker, don't want anyone dying."

"Speak for yourself."

"What?"

"Huh?"

The two walked over to their test subjects. "Jaune," Weiss said. "Since you 'won science last week. You get to go first, make sure everything's safe."

"What?" Jaune asked, as they handed him a handgun.

The other three retreated into the bunker. Jaune aimed for the rotor, firing his entire clip, he missed.

When Ruby walked out, she brought a small red rectangle with her, expanding it into a sniper rifle, she aimed for the rotors and took it down in one shot. She ran back into the bunker as the helicopter exploded.

"Holy shit!" Jaune yelled.

"Ruby wins science for this week." Blake said.


	11. RWBY Life - Shots Fired or Thrown

On the Podcast...

Blake: that's contradictory

Yang: Like your face!

Lancaster: Oooooooh

Ruby: Shots fired!

[shot glass misses Yang's head by an inch and shatters against the wall.]

Yang: What the hell? Who threw that?

Ren:[offset] Nora did!

Nora:[Also offset] You sold me out!

[Yang gets up and runs offset after Nora]

Ruby: Pyrrha! Get a camera and go after them, this could be the next RWBY Life!

Pyrrha pulled out her scroll and ran after the two with her camera on. "IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!" Yang yelled. Eventually, the blonde caught up with Nora and side-swiped her into the wall.

Later...

Jaune: Same Jaune-Time. Same Jaune-Channel

[another shot glass]

Jaune:[runs after Nora]

Pyrrha: Don't worry! I was filming before she threw it!

Pyrrha again ran after Nora's pursuer, Jaune tackled Nora and walked back to the podcast set. "Hey, Ruby. Weiss." Pyrrha said, handing Ren the camera. "Huh?" Ruby asked.

"You two might wanna see what Yang did when she went after Nora."

When they got to the giant hole on the wall, Ruby sighed, and Weiss got pissed. "GOD DAMMIT YANG!" She yelled.

(A/N: This is based off the time Ray cracked the wall in the Achievement Hunter Office, but more extreme.)


	12. RWBY Shorts - Catch

Jaune, Sun, and Ren were standing in a triangle throwing a baseball to each other. "This is nice." Jaune said. "To get out of the office and play catch like I used to with my father."

"I never really did." Sun said.

"Really?" Jaune asked. "Why not?"

"I never really knew him, you see—" Sun got nailed in the side of the head with a baseball. "What the hell, Ren!" He asked. Ren shrugged.

"In his defense, you weren't paying attention." Jaune said.

"I guess you're right." Sun tossed the ball to Jaune. "Anyway, what were we talking about?"

"Your dad."

"Oh, yeah. I never really knew my dad, you see—" he got nailed again.

"GOD DAMMIT REN!" He screamed.

"Sun, just calm down."

"He did it again, you'd think that he'd make sure I was paying attention this time, I'm holding onto this. Anyway, I never knew my dad, because when I was three he went to Vacuo and—" he got nailed with a basketball.

"WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET A FUCKING BASKETBALL?!"

"Ren, did you throw that?" Jaune asked.

Ren shook his head.

"He says he didn't throw it."

"Who else would have thrown it, I mean—"

Sun was flattened by a truck, and a monkey

Faunas got out. "Do you know anyone named Sun?" He asked.

"I think... I think you just ran over him with your car." Jaune said.

"Oh my God. You see, I'm his father, and—" he got nailed with a baseball. "MOTHER FUCKER!"


	13. Let's Watch - Darkly Dreaming Ruby

A/N: I'm uploading this early because I don't know if I'll have time to tomorrow, gotta go to a viewing, then a funeral on Sunday, so if I'm not too busy tomorrow, I'll take requests now to make up for the missing Let's Play Wednesday. Poll on my Profile for stuff I think I'll do anyway.

"So," Ruby said. "We had the interns choose a new Fanfiction. Another one by ExactChase, same guy that wrote My Name is Ruby. This one is Darkly Dreaming Ruby."

"What's the description?" Yang asked.

"Meet Ruby Rose, a polite wolf in sheep's clothing. she's beautiful and charming, but something in her past has made her abide by a different set of rules. She's a serial killer whose one golden rule makes her immensely likeable: she only kills bad when a series of murders similar to her own style start turning up, Ruby is flattered and frightened by this new fiend."

"Sounds lovely."

Moon, glorious moon. Full, fat, red-ish moon, the night as light as day, the moonlight flooding across the land and bringing joy, joy, joy, joy. Bringing the full-throated call of the tropical night, the soft and wild voice of the wind blowing through the hairs on your arm, the hollow wail of starlight, the teeth-grinding bellow of the moonlight off the water.

"What's this shit?" Jaune asked.

All calling to the Need. Oh, the symphonic shriek of the thousand hiding voices, the cry of the Need inside, the entity, the silent watcher, the cold quiet thing, the one that laughs,the Moondancer, the me that was not-me, the thing that mocked and laughed and came calling with its hunger. With the Need. And the Need was very strong now, very careful cold coiled creeping cracked cocked and ready, very strong, very much ready now- and still it waited and watched, and it made me wait and watch.

"What the fuck?" Ruby asked.

I have been waiting and watching the priest for five weeks now. The Need had been prickling and teasing and prodding for me to find one, find the next, find this priest. For three weeks I had known he was it, he was next, we belonged to the Dark Passenger, he and I together. And that three weeks I spent fighting the pressure, the growing Need, rising up in me like a great wave that roars up and over the beach and does not recede, only swells more with each tick of the night's bright clock.

"I think shits about to go down." Yang said.

But it was a careful time, too, time spent making sure. Not making sure of the priest, no, I was long sure of him. Time spent to be certain that it could be done right, made neat, all the corners folded, all squared away. I could not get caught, not now. I had worked too hard, too long, to make this work for me, to protect my happy little life.

"is killing people fun or something?" Ruby asked.

"You should know." Ren said.

And I was having too much fun to stop now.

"I'm fucking done." Yang stood and walked out.

And so I was always careful, always tidy. Always prepared ahead of time so I would be done right. And when it was right, take extra time to be sure. It was the Taiyang way, God bless him, that farsighted perfect policeman, my foster father. Always be sure, be careful, be exact, he had said, and for a week now I had been sure everything was just as Taiyang-right as it could be. And when I left school this night, I knew this was it. This night was the Night. This night felt different. This night it would happen, had to happen. Just as it had happened before. Just as it would happen again, and again.

"I'm confused." Nora said. "What's gonna happen to the priest?"

And tonight it would happen to the priest.

His name was Father Donovan. He taught music to children at St. Anthony's orphanage in Homestead, Vale. The children loved him. And of course he loved the children, oh very much indeed. He had devoted a whole life to them. Learned Creole and Spanish. Learned their music, too. All for the kids. Everything he did, all for the kids.

Everything.

"Seems like Ruby might be pissed at him." Blake said.

I watched him this night as I had watched for so many nights now. Watched as he paused in the orphanage doorway to talk to a young black girl who had followed him out. She was small, no more than eight years old and small for that. He sat on the steps and talked to her for five minutes. She sat too, and bounced up and down. They laughed. She leaned against him. He touched her hair. A nun came out and stood in the doorway, looking down on them for a moment before she spoke. Then she smiled and held out a hand. The girl bumped her head against the priest. Father Donavan hugged her, stood, and kissed the girl goodnight. The nun laughed and said something to Father Donavan. He said something back.

And then he started towards his car. Finally: I coiled myself to strike and-

Not yet. A janitorial service minivan stood fifteen feet from the door. As Father Donavan passed it, the door slid open. A man leaned out, puffing on a cigarette, and greeted the priest, who leaned against the van and talked to the man.

"Hurry up!" Weiss said. "Kill him! Get it over with!"

Luck. Luck again. Always luck on these Nights. I had not seen the man, not guessed he was there. But he would have seen me if not for Luck.

"fuck luck." Pyrrha said.

I took a deep breath. Let it out slow and steady, icy cold. It was only one small thing. I had not missed any others. I had done it all right, all the same, all the way it had to be done. It would be right.

Now.

Father Donavan walked toward his car again. He turned once and called something. The janitor waved from the doorway of the orphanage, then snubbed out his cigarette and disappeared inside. Gone.

Luck. Luck again.

Father Donavan fumbled for his keys, opened his car door, got into the car. I heard the key go in. Heard the engine turn over and then-

NOW.

I sat up in his backseat and slipped the noose around his neck. One quick, slippery, pretty twist and the coil of fifty-pound-test fishing line settled tight. He made a small ratchet of panic and that was it.

"Oh shit!" Jaune said.

"You are mine now," I told him, and he froze as neat and perfect as if he had practiced, almost like he heard the other voice, the laughing watcher inside me.

"Do exactly as I say," I said.

He rasped half a breath and glanced into his rear view mirror. My face was there, waiting for him, wrapped in the white silk mask that showed only my silver eyes.

Jaune glanced at Ruby. "What?" Ruby asked.

"Nothing."

"What?"

"I didn't know that your eyes were silver, that's all."

"How could you not know!"

"Just never really paid attention."

"Do you understand?" I asked. The silk of the mask flowed across my lips as I spoke.

Father Donovan said nothing. Stared at my eyes. I pulled on the noose.

"Do you understand?" I repeated, a little softer.

This time he nodded. He fluttered a hand at the noose, not sure what would happen if he tried to loosen it. His face was turning purple.

I loosened the noose for him. "Be good," I said, "and you will live longer."

"By what?" Weiss asked. "Thirty minutes?"

He took a deep breath. I could hear the air rip out of his throat. He coughed and breathed again. But he sat still and did not try to escape. This was very good.

We drove. Father Donavan followed my directions, no tricks, no hesitation. We drove south through Vale and took the Card Sound Road. I could tell that the road made him nervous, but he did not object. He did not try to speak to me. He kept both hands on the wheel, pale and knotted tight, so the knuckles stood up. That was very good, too.

"Yeah." Ruby said. "Why? WHY?"

We drove south for another five minutes with no sound but the tires and the wind and the great moon above making its mighty music in my veins, and the careful watcher laughing quietly in the rush of the night's hard pulse.

"Turn here." I said at last.

The priest's eyes flew to min in the mirror. The panic was trying to claw out of his eyes, down his face, into his mouth to speak, but-

"Turn!" I said, and he turned. Slumping like he had been expecting this all along, waiting for it forever, and he turned.

The small dirt road was barely visible. You almost had to know it was there. But I knew. I had been there before. The road ran for two and a half miles, twisting three times, through the sawgrass, through the trees, alongside a small canal, deep into the swamp and into a clearing.

Fifty years ago somebody had built a house. Most of it was still there. It was large for what it was. Three rooms, half a roof still left, the place completely abandoned now for many years.

Except the old vegetable garden out in the side yard. There were signs that somebody had been digging there fairly recently.

"Stop the car." I said, as the headlights caught the crumbling house.

Father Donovan lurched to obey. Fear had sealed him into his body now, his limbs and thoughts all ridged.

"Turn off the motor." I told him, and he did.

It was suddenly very quiet.

Something small chittered in a tree. The wind rattled the grass. And then more quiet, silence so deep it almost drowned out the roar of the night music that pounded away in my secret self.

"Get out." I said.

Father Donovan did not move. His eyes were on the vegetable garden.

Seven small mounds of earth were visible there. The heaped soil looked very dark in the moonlight. It must have looked even darker to Father Donovan. He still did not move.

"oh, shit." Ren said.

I yanked hard on the noose, harder than he thought he could live through, harder than he knew could happen to him. His back arched against his seat and the veins stood out on his forehead and he thought he was about to die.

But he was not. Not yet. Not for quite sometime, in fact.

I kicked the car door open and pulled him out after me, just to let him feel my strength. He flopped to the sandy roadbed and twisted like an injured snake. The Dark Passenger laughed and loved it and I played the part. I out one boot on Father Donovan's chest and held the noose tight.

"You have to listen and do what I say." I told him. "You have to." I bent over and gently loosened the noose. "You should know that. It's important." I said.

"That's accurate." Blake said.

And he heard me. His eyes pounding with blood and pain and leaking tears into his face, his eyes met mine in a rush of understanding and all the things that had to happen were there for him to see now. And he saw. And he knew how important it was to be just right. He began to know.

"Get up now," I said.

Slowly, very slowly, with his eyes always on mine, Father Donovan got up. We stood just like that for a long time, our eyes together, becoming one person with one need, and then he trembled. He raised one hand halfway to his face and dropped it again.

"In the house." I said, so very softly. In the house where everything was ready.

Father Donovan dropped his eyes. He raised them to me but could not look anymore. He turned to house but stopped as he again saw the dark dirt mounds of the garden. He wanted to look at me, but he could not, not after again seeing those black moonlit heaps of dirt.

"This is dark." Ruby said.

He started for the house and I held onto his leash. He went obediently, head down, a good and docile victim. Up the five battered steps, across the narrow porch to the front door, pushed shut. Father Donovan stopped. He did not look up. He did not look at me.

"Through the door." I said in my soft command voice, the same voice I used as the leader of my own team back at Beacon.

Father Donovan trembled.

"Go through the door now." I said again

But he could not.

I leaned past him and pushed the door open. I pushed the priest in with my foot. He stumbled, righted himself, and stood just inside, eyes squeezed tight shut.

"it's. About. To go. Down." Nora said.

I closed the door. I had left a battery lamp standing on the floor next to the door and I turned it on.

"Look." I whispered.

Father Donovan slowly, carefully, opened one eye.

He froze.

Time stopped for Father Donovan.

"No." He said.

"Yes." I said.

"Oh, no." He said.

"Oh, yes." I said.

He screamed, "NOOOO!"

I yanked on the noose. His scream was cut off and he fell to his knees. He made a wet, croaky, whimpering sound and covered his face, "Yes." I said, "it's a terrible mess, isn't it?"

"Jesus Christ." Weiss said.

He used his whole face to close his eyes. He could not look, not now, not like this. I did not blame him, not really, it was a terrible mess. It had bothered me just to know it was there since I had set it up for him. But he had to see it. He had to. Bit just for me, not just for the Dark Passenger. For him. He had to see. And he was not looking.

"Open your eyes, Father Donovan." I said.

"Please." He said in a terrible little whimper. It got on my nerves very badly, shouldn't have, icy-clean control, but it got to me, whining in the face of that mess on the floor, and I kicked his legs out from under him. I hauled hard in the noose and grabbed the back of his neck with my left hand, then slammed his face into the filthy warped floorboards. There was a little blood and that made me madder.

"Again, why?" Ruby asked.

"Open them," I said, "open them. Open them NOW! Look!" I grabbed his hair and pulled his head back. "Do as your told," I said. "Look. Or I will cut your eyelids right off your face."

"I'm out." Weiss said.

I was very convincing. And so he did it. He did as he was told. He looked.

I worked hard to make it right, but you have got to use what you've got to work with. I could not have done it all if they had not been there long enough everything to dry up, but they were so very dirty. I managed to clean off most of the dirt, but some of the bodies had been in the garden a long time, and you couldn't tell where the dirt stopped and the body began. You could never really tell when you thought about it. So dirty-

There were seven of them, seven small bodies, seven extra-dirty orphan children laid out on rubber shower sheets, which are neater and don't leak. Don't ask how I got these by my sister, Yang without her noticing. She's been making my job a lot harder recently, she had been glued to me. I think she's been wondering where it is I go. The bodies were arranged in seven straight lines, all pointing at Father Donovan. So he knew.

"Yang!" Ruby called into the other room, "you're actually in this one!"

He was about to join them.

"Hail Mary, full of grace-" he started. I jerked hard on the noose.

"None of that, Father. Not now. Now is for real truth."

"I believe in stuff." Ruby said. (A/N: I do have an idea of what I THINK Ruby believes, but I don't wanna get into that.)

"Please." He choked.

"Yes, beg me. That's good. Much better." I yanked again. "Do you think that's it, Father? Seven bodies? Did they beg?" He had nothing to say. "Do you think that's all of them, Father? Just seven? Did I get them all?"

"Murder fetish." Jaune said.

"Oh, God." He rasped out, with a pain that was good to hear.

"What about the other towns, Father? What about Patch? Would you like to talk about Patch?" He just choked out a sob, no words. "And what about Atlas? Was that three? Or did I miss one there? It's so hard to be sure. Was it four in Atlas, Father?" It hadn't been easy to get the bodies from Atlas and Patch without Yang knowing.

Father Donovan tried to scream. There was not enough left of his throat for it to be a very good scream, but it had real feeling behind it, which made up for the poor technique. The. He fell forward onto his face and I let him snivel for a while before I pulled him up and onto his feet. He was not steady and not in control. His bladder had let loose and there was drool on his chin.

Blake chuckled.

"Please." He said. "I couldn't help myself. I just couldn't help myself. You have to understand—"

"I do understand, Father." I said, and there was something in my voice, the Dark Passenger's voice now, and the sound of it, froze him. He lifted his head slowly to face me and what he saw in my eyes made him very still. "I understand perfectly." I said, moving very close to his face. The sweat in his cheeks turned to ice. "You see," I said. "I can't help myself either."

"Oh, fuck." Ren said.

We were very close now, almost touching and the dirtiness of him was suddenly too much. I jerked on the noose and kicked his feet out from under him again. Father Donovan sprawled out on the floor.

"But, children?" I said. "I could never do this to children." I put my red lace boot in the back of his head and slammed his face down. "Not like you, Father. Never kids. I have to find people like you."

"What are you?" Father Donovan whispered.

"The beginning." I said. "And the end. Meet your Unmaker, Father."

"Fucking..." Jaune said. "One liners."

I had the needle ready and it went into his neck like it was supposed to, slight resistance from the rigid muscles, but none from the priest. I pushed the plunger and the syringe emptied, filling Father Donovan with quick, clean calm. Moments, only moments and his head began to float, and he rolled his face to me.

Did he truly see me now? Did he see the double rubber gloves, the careful coveralls, the slick silk mask? Did he really see me? Or did that only happen in the other room, the Dark Passenger's room, the Clean Room? Painted white two nights past and swept, scrubbed, sprayed, cleaned as clean as can be. And in the middle of the room, its windows sealed with thick white rubberized sheets, under the lights in the middle of the room, did he finally see me there in the table I had made, the boxes of white garbage bags, the bottles of chemicals, and the small row of saws and knives? Did he see me at last?

Or did he see those seven untidy lumps, and who knows how many more? Did he see himself at last, unable to scream, turning into that kind of mess in the garden?

He would not, of course. His imagination did not allow him to see himself as the same species. And in a way, he was right. He would never turn into the kind of mess he had made the children. I could never do that, would never allow that. I am not like Father Donovan, not that kind of monster.

I am a very neat monster.

"Damn." Blake said.

Neatness takes time, of course, but it's worth it. Worth it to make the Dark Passenger happy, keep her quiet for another long while. Worth it just to do it right and tidy. Remove one more heap of mess from the world. A few more neatly wrapped bag of garbage and my one small corner of the world is a neater, happier place. A better place.

I had about eight hours before I needed to be gone. I would need them all to do it right.

I secured the priest to the table using duct tape and cut away his clothes. I did the preliminary work quickly; shaving, scrubbing, cutting away the things that stuck out untidily. As always I felt the wonderful slow long build to release begin its pounding throughout my entire body. It would flutter through me as I worked, rising and taking me with it, until the very end, the Need and the priest swimming away together in a fading tide.

And just before I started the serious work Father Donovan opened his eyes and looked at me. There was no fear now; that happens sometimes. He looked up at me and his mouth moved.

"What?" I said. I moved my head a little closer. "I can't hear you?"

I heard him breathe, a slow and peaceful breath. Then he said it again before his eyes closed.

"You're welcome." I said and I went to work.

"What, what did he say?" Ruby asked.

"I would love to know." Blake said.

"I would also like to know." Ren said.

"Probably 'Thank you'!" Nora said.

"Why?" Jaune asked.

"For keeping everything so clean!"


	14. RWBY and JNPR Weekly Update 2

Ruby popped into frame, a very angry expression on her face and her middle finger extended. "Fuck you!" She yelled.

"Okay," Jaune said, now being the only one in frame. "What shit is comin out this week?" He sang. "Galak Z: The Dimensional. What the fuck? That's for the Ps4. The Castle Game, for Ps4. Bedlam. Same fuckin platform. Submerged for the 'Go-Fuck-Yourself 4'. Now for Xboner games. Rare Replay and... Submerged? Again? For the PC as well. Also on the PC is, Zombie Killtime. Murder time is fun time! That's not a game. There's Broken Bots, and... Fairy. Fencer. F. The fuck? For the 3DS, Etrian Odyssey 2: The Fafnir Knight. Oh, yes. Ruby? Do you remember playing Etrian Odyssey one?"

Ruby stepped into frame. "No. Never even heard of it." She said.

"Exactly. Jaune said. "Exactly."

"And lastly, the Achievement of The Week this week, is; Inventory Management for Rare Replay."

Jaune stepped out of frame and Ruby took his place. "Video of the Week, is: Immersion: Helicopter Takedown. Videos FOR this week, are: The Podcast. Blake's Heist. Go #2. Let's Play: Hitman: Absolution. Immersion: Pacman. A new RWBY Short, and probably a RWBY Life, oh and Let's Watch Shit."

Blake pushed Ruby out of the way. "Good news!" She said.

"What is it, Blake?" Jaune asked in a monotone voice.

"We're gonna do something called RJX. It stands for: RWBY, JNPR... What's the X stand for?"

"Triple X!" Ruby said.

"You heard it here first! We're gonna have a porn convention." Blake said, making everyone laugh. "Nah. But we will be having a convention, planned by the fucking ugly ass bitch, that is Yang Xiao Long."

Yang stepped into frame. "I have two soft round things that would disagree with you." Yang said.

"You have testicles?" Blake asked. "Just fucking with you! Tell us about RJX."

"Well," Yang said. "It's will be from the sixth, to the eighth. Of August. Jaune's revealing a new thing. Right, Jaune?"

"Yeah!"

"We're gonna play games. You can play games. Just not with us. We can't keep getting fucked up trying to do a heist."

"Also," Blake said. "We have a T-Shirt now! Two of them. One has RWBY JNPR on it. The other one says, 'Surprise Punches Lead to Accidental Domestic Violence'."

"That's all we got." Ruby said. "Now get the fuck out!"

A/N: I haven't written the other two chapters for today, because I had a funeral to go to. On top of that. I feel like shit. I think I have whooping cough or something like that. Almost threw up twice. So I don't really feel like writing those chapters right now.


	15. Let's Play - GTA V - Blake's Heist

"First off," Blake said, standing in front of the group. "I would just like to say, fuck you all."

"That's a given." Yang said.

"Anyway, we have a very simple plan. Kinda like the plan at the end of A-Team."

"Are we gonna have you talking over the gameplay explaining the plan?" Ruby asked.

"Here's the plan; The president of a major company, AKA Ruby, will be riding through town in a limousine, that Jaune is driving. Nora, Ren, Yang, and Weiss, you get black SUVs. Pyrrha and I will do the same. Pyrrha'll run into the same store from Ruby's heist. Rob the place and get in my SUV. At this point Ruby's convoy of security detail, the rest of you. Will be passing by. When you turn the next corner. Nora, who'll be in the back will swap with Pyrrha and I. Nora will speed down the road and make it look like she's us. The police will go after her, and when they pull her over, they'll see that she isn't their person."

Now, they were all sitting around in Blake's apartment, getting ready to begin. After a bit of set up, they began. Pyrrha ran into the store. "Give me the money and nobody gets hurt." She lied. Once the man gave her the money, she shot him in the face, and ran out to the car. They took off, the police not far behind. They turned the corner, and Nora sped off, allowing the other two to take her place. The cops still shot at Blake, so the others gave covering fire, earning them all a wanted level. "We're fucked." Blake said.

RWBYBlake died.

PyrrhaNikos died.

"Abort! Abort! Ab—" Yang suddenly stopped talking.

RWBYYang died.

"Not Yang!" Ruby yelled, stepping out of the limo. "YOU BASTARDS!" She was almost immediately shot dead, but she managed to kill a cop or two. Jaune, who had been going back to get his girlfriend, was shot in the face.

JauneArc died.

NoraValkyrie died.

WeissSchnee died.

"What the fuck happened to Nora and Weiss?" Ren asked, being the only one alive, and under heavy fire.

LieRen died.

"I drove off a bridge." Nora answered Ren's earlier question.

"Why?"

"It was the only way out."

"What about Weiss?"

"She slammed into me." Weiss said.

"Let's stop." Ruby said.

A/N: If I'm still sick by tomorrow, then Ruby will get sick, and Sun will take over Go!, well, I've still gotta write the podcast. That'll take forty five minutes. Or longer if I have to stop. I'll try to get it out before noon. (I have places to go, people to slay)


	16. RWBY Podcast 2 - Crazy Families

Ruby: What's up?

Jaune: Most casual podcast intro ever.

Weiss: Of all time. (References. To RvB, or another Fanfiction?)

Ruby: Yeah, podcast number two, with: Ruby.

Jaune: Jaune.

Weiss: Weiss

Pyrrha: Pyrrha

Jaune: And Jaune.

Ruby: double Jaune strikes again!

Jaune: Fuck yeah!

Pyrrha: No shot glasses will be thrown this time.

Ruby: I had Yang "deal" with Nora.

Jaune: How do you get the unpredictable one to listen to you?

Ruby: I think she feels bad about some of the shit she pulled when we were kids.

Pyrrha: Like what?

Ruby: She made me afraid of zombies.

Weiss: They're not real!

Ruby: Hear me out! She got me to watch Dawn of the Dead, and at the end, she turns to me and goes, "You know that really happened, right?"

[laughter]

Ruby: And I was like, "What?" And she goes, "Yeah. The army fixed it, but they don't know what caused it, so it could happen again at any time." And now, to this day. I look out the window at night, I expect to see something shambling down the street.

[Laughter]

Jaune: Your family...

Ruby: If you think MY family is crazy, I met Jaune's uncle during the weekend.

Jaune: Oh God.

Ruby: You wanna tell it?

Jaune: Sure. So, on Friday, I got a call from my oldest sister. She said that my uncle got outta jail. Fifteen years. So, I took the first flight back home, Ruby came because she wanted to meet my family.

Ruby: I kinda regret it.

Jaune: I warned you! I fucking warned you!

Weiss: Continue with the story.

Jaune: Anyway, we get there, and he's standing in the middle of the room, I'm like, "Hey, Uncle Richie Jr. It's been awhile," to be honest I don't remember him as a free man. And he goes, "SAY IT WITH YO CHEST!" I jumped, Ruby hid behind me.

Ruby: I used you as a meat shield.

[laughter]

Jaune: That makes me feel special. My sister pulls me aside, and she's like, "He's been saying it all morning, we don't know what it means." I approached him again, and I'm like, "Dude, I got a job now, I'm doing good for myself, I'm gonna take the family out for dinner." And so, we went. Didn't go well.

Ruby: Not at all.

Jaune: The guy beside us at the next table, was talking pretty loud, and my uncle got fucking pissed. He yelled, "I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT! JAY—" nobody calls me that, nobody. "JAY, PEEL BACK HIS MUFFIN CAP!" I was confused. I didn't know what that meant. I thought it was a drink, I turned to the waitress. "Can I get a 'peel back his muffin cap?" "SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST!"

Jaune: [puffing chest out] Can I get a peel back his muffin cap?

[Laughter]

Ruby: True story. True fucking story.

Pyrrha: I believe it.

Jaune: Ruby was trying to hide in her hood.

Weiss: I don't blame her.

Pyrrha: Neither do I.

Ruby: Wanna hear another torturous thing Yang did to me?

Jaune: Why not?

Ruby: I remember, we were standing in the driveway, and I go, "Look, this is how close I can hold my fingers together without them touching." She goes, "Don't move. That's the closest anyone has ever gotten. I'm gonna go call the Guinness Book of World Records."

[laughter]

Ruby: I must have stood out there for an hour! My arm got too tired, so I went inside, I was crying. And she's fucking watching TV. I was like, "I thought you were gonna call Guinness!" She goes, "You're stupid!"

Pyrrha: Yang used to be an asshole!

Weiss: USED to be an asshole? She IS an asshole!

Jaune: Shots fired!

[shot glass hits the wall behind him]

Ruby: YANG! YOU HAD ONE JOB!

Yang: Then you started talking shit!

Ruby: [sighs] But it's all true!

Yang: I know shit about you that you don't!

Ruby: Like what?

Yang: Your blood type.

[laughter]

Ruby: What else?

Yang: All of your medical information. What would you do without me?

Ruby: Learn that shit!

[laughter]

Ruby: She's gone back to taking care of Nora's throwing habits. We can just cut that out.

Jaune: Let's not.

Pyrrha: Who's in the control room, anyway?

Ruby: Ren and Blake.

Jaune: What do they do in there exactly?

Ruby: Important shit.

Blake: Ruby knows how it is!

Ruby: When do I not?

Blake: Don't get cocky.

Weiss: Was she not already?

Pyrrha: Don't be a bitch.

[dead air for two minutes]

Jaune: Didn't expect that from Pyrrha.

Ruby: Neither did I.

Weiss: Ditto.

[more dead air]

Ruby: Just remembered. We have a convention now. RJX. It's from the sixth to the eighth. Tickets are on sale now. Might as well wrap up. We only have four minutes.

Jaune: Same Jaune-Time—

Ruby: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!

[laughter]

Ruby: [stands and walks off, Jaune goes after her]

[Pyrrha and Weiss look at each other before walking off the opposite side of the stage]

[End]


	17. Go 2 - Jaune Dousing

A/N: If anyone was wondering, the sitting arrangements are, Jaune sits where Gavin is in the Achievement Hunter office, Ruby is next to him, then Yang, Blake, Weiss, Pyrrha. Nora and Ren are where the couch would be.

"Go Number two!" Ruby announced.

"Ruby gotta go number two?" Nora asked.

"Maybe. Anyway—"

"What are we doing today?" Blake asked, pretending to be excited, then acting pissed off.

"It's a totally different day!" Yang said. "It's just a coincidence that we're all wearing the same clothes!"

"Totally a coincidence." Ruby said. "Okay, so you know how sometimes, when it's really hot outside, you pour water on yourselves?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I want you to pour water on Jaune."

Jaune stood, "Betrayal!" He said, beginning to run out the door.

"I didn't say Go!"

Jaune came back in.

"Give me your stuff you don't want to get wet." She told him. He handed her his scroll, his watch, and his wallet. "GO!" She yelled. Jaune sprinted out the door, Nora right behind him. She threw a shot glass full of water on him. "Got 'em!" She yelled excitedly. "That was a shot glass." Ruby said, walking into the podcast set, where Jaune and Nora were. "Doesn't count." She said. Jaune took off again and Ruby went back into the main room.

Jaune ran outside, Yang chasing him. He began to run through Vale, past the dust shop Ruby saved, past the dock where RWBY first met Sun, past the other dock where they fought Torchwick, Past the warehouse where the White Fang met, past the highway where RWBY destroyed that mech.

Meanwhile,..

"What are you doing?" Sun asked Ruby from behind the camera. "Trying to figure out what Jaune has as my ringtone." She answered.

Jaune's phone ringed. But you can't hear it because copyright.

Back to You, Jaune...

Jaune was suddenly soaked by Yang's water bottle. "Damnit!" He yelled, beginning to walk back to the office.

Later, much much later...

"Yang wins!" Ruby declared as the two walked back in.

"Let's stop."

A/N: I think I'm gonna write a separate fic, called When The Cameras Aren't Rolling, it's the same idea, just outside the office.


	18. Let's Play - GTA V - Yang's Heist (RTX)

CFVY had gotten into RJX for free, since they were friends with the team. And well, Coco was a fan. Without warning, the eight of them ran out on stage, all wearing the red Bugstar jumpsuits. They quickly struck heroic poses, Jaune tripping, having to be caught by Yang and Pyrrha. Ruby said something along the lines of, "Clumsy fucker!" But she couldn't be heard over the sounds of cheering and laughing. "You're a handful," she said, being heard this time. "You know that?"

"That's what my mom always tells me." Jaune said. The crowd laughed. Ruby laughed as well. "It's funny cause it's true." She said.

Once it became silent, Ruby began addressing the crowd, while the others sat. "We figured, if we were gonna do a convention, might as well start with a heist. I present to you, Yang's Heist."

A video began to play on the big screen, the eight of them were in the conference room back at the office. "Here's the plan." Yang said. "I couldn't think of anything original, so everybody gets a tank. I'll get the cash."

The video changed to Ruby's perspective in the game, live. "I'll order my tank." She said. Once they all ordered their tanks, they lined up. "Autobots, roll out!" Yang said, leading the charge. They slowly rolled to the store where Weiss' heist was. It took about ten minutes. Once they got there, Yang ran in, grabbed the cash and sprinted out. "Let's get the fuck out!" She yelled, sliding into her tank, they rolled away. "Die you fuckin' pigs!" Nora yelled, blowing up cop cars. "No offense real cops." She got a few "none taken"s from the audience.

They kept screaming as they blew up cop cars left and right. "SO MUCH FUCKING DESTRUCTION!" Ruby yelled, just before her tank exploded. "What the fuck happened?" Yang asked.

"Oops." Blake said, slumping down in her seat. "Oops?" Weiss asked. "You just killed the leader of the crew, and all you have to say is 'oops'?"

"First of all," Blake said. "Yang's the leader for today, and second, it was an accident."

"Shoulda said 'die backstabbing piece of shit'!" Pyrrha said. Pyrrha's tank exploded. "Holy shit!" Jaune said. "What's going on?"

"We're turning on each other." Nora said, blowing Ren to hell. Jaune shot Nora, Weiss shot Jaune. "THATS FOR HITTING ON ME!" She yelled. Everyone stared at her. "It was pre-Ruby." She added, before getting shot by Blake. "THATS FOR BEING RACIST!" She yelled. The only two left were Yang and Blake. "We're cool, right?" Blake asked.

"There only really needs to be one of us, right?" Yang asked, blowing Blake up.

"God damnit." Ruby said. "All that was uncalled for."

"Oh my God." Yang said. "I'm being haunted."

"Yeah, you're being fucking haunted."


	19. RJX Schedule

Thursday: Let's Play Panel: Heist, Super Mario Bros. NES

Let's Watch: Deadpool Red Band Trailer(this made me piss myself)

Friday: Shorts: Announcement(Will be separate story on my profile) Secret Door.

Saturday: Podcast, QnA Panel, Immersion Go!


	20. RJX - Let's Play - Super Mario Brothers

After some stuff was moved around, there was one table with a monitor on it. Ruby and Yang walked out and sat down. Ruby took up the controller, and the big screen behind them displayed, the menu for Super Mario Bros for the NES. Ruby pressed start and began running towards the first Goomba, flattening him, she hit the first box, a coin. Then the second, a mushroom. "Mario is a drug addict." She commented. "He's always tryin' some new herb that makes him high as fuck. Seeing all this weird shit." She kept going, jumping over the pipes and flattening Goombas. "How do you know you didn't just kick a small child's face in?" Yang asked.

"Oh God!" Ruby cried out. "Rest in Peace little Timmy. Sorry for curb stomping you." Next, she jumped over a pit. "Mario probably thinks he's a badass. That's probably two feet. I can jump four." She said.

"Yeah, while curb stomping small children." Yang added.

"I hope not."

Ruby jumped over another pit and walked straight until she reached a staircase, climbing it, she jumped over another pit, and climbed another flight of stairs. She jumped off and hugged a flag, meaning she had reached the end. "Mario is flagasexual!" Someone in the crowd yelled. "Yes!" Yang said. "Who said that?"

Someone raised their hand.

"Can we put that on a T-shirt?" She asked.

"Sure." He answered.

"Got next week's T-shirt." Yang said, turning to Ruby, who was dying of laughter.

Ruby handed the controller to Yang, as Mario went down a pipe. Yang hit the first block and ignored the other four, earning a shroom. She smashed one Goomba but got fucked up by the other, lowering in size. "He's gone flaccid!" She yelled. Ruby, who had just recovered from "flagasexual." Starting laughing again.

"You broke her!" Someone from the crowd yelled. "I do that!" Yang called back.

Yang jumped over the... Stonehenge? I don't fucking know! Formation of rocks? Triangle of terror? Call it whatever you want! Well after she jumped over that predicament, she hopped over another small child hallucination and curb stomped a Koopa, launching his home into his friend. "You thought you were safe." Yang said. "No one's safe from Dexter— I mean Mario." She killed another defenseless turtle, and launched his shell into two small children. "Mario's going on a fucking rampage." Ruby said.

"That's what psychopaths do." Yang said, in a soft voice. "CAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING PSYCHOPATHS!" Ruby jumped, falling out of her chair. Yang began to laugh hysterically before going over to help her sister up. As soon as Ruby was back in her chair, Yang went back to the game, hopping over a pit. "Mario's more of a badass than me!" She said. "Jumping over shit. All I have is an aura fueled by emotion, and if you touch my hair, I'll fuck you up!"

"That's a warning to any visitors," Ruby said. "Please, for the love of God, don't test her! Please. I'm warning you. Don't do it. It's the equivalent of doing all the crack and expecting not to die."

Yang ran forward, fucking murdering three small children and jumping over three piranha plants. She jumped on a center platform and back onto the main, fucking up two more Goombas, she hopped on an elevator thing going down, on a center platform, and one going up. She jumped on another main platform, and into a pipe, that took her to the service, she climbed the stairs and fucked the flag. "We fucking did it!" Yang said. "We're fucking done with this panel! What's next?" She asked.

"Uh, Let's Watch." Ruby said.

"More fanfiction?"

"No. Deadpool red band trailer."

"Sweet."

The two of them walked off stage, the lights turning off.


	21. RJX - Let's Watch - Deadpool Trailer

"Okay," Jaune said. "What are we doing?"

"You didn't hear me talking to Yang when we left Let's Play?" Ruby asked.

"The rest of us came here after the heist." Blake said.

"We're doing the Deadpool Red Band Trailer." Ruby sighed.

"We have permission, right?" Ren asked. "I don't wanna get sued."

"Firstly, you wouldn't get sued," Blake said. "Ruby and Weiss would. And secondly, I don't know if we need permission."

"That doesn't matter." Weiss said.

"Play it!" Ruby yelled.

Woman that I once knew the name of: I love you Wade Wilson

Ryan Reynolds and that one woman appear, cuddling— hugging affectionately.

Lady: We can fight this.

Hand holding. X-Ray with red spots.

Wade: You're right. The cancer's only in my liver, lungs, prostate and brain.

"That's deadly." Blake said.

Wade smiles in a military uniform.

Wade: All things I can live without.

"You can't." Yang said.

Wade sits in dark room with a hoodie on.

Weapon X Dude: What if I told you we can make you better?

"Obvious bad guy, is obvious." Ruby said.

The same dude appears on screen. Wade walks through strip club. Now he's in an alley.

Dude: You're a fighter. We can give you abilities, most men only dream of.

Wade is being wheeled on a stretcher.

Dude: Make you... A superhero.

"Goddamnit." Jaune said.

Deadpool silhouette.

Back to you, Wade.

Wade: Promise you'll do right by me, so that I can do right by someone else.

"Aww." Pyrrha said.

They begin to wheel him away.

Wade: And don't make the super suit green! Or animated!

"Ha," Nora said. "Green Lantern jab."

Gut punch, head dunking.

Posh Spice: One thing that never survives the operation, is his sense of humor.

More torture.

Wade: Yeah, we'll see about that, Posh Spice.

"Posh spice?" Ren asked.

Posh Spice walks away.

Wade: Oh come on! You're gonna leave me here all alone with Less Angry Rosie O'Donnel?

"Who's that?" Ruby asked.

"A comedian." Yang said.

Less Angry Rosie O'Donnel punches him

EXPLOSION!

MARVEL.

Music I don't recognize! Deadpool singing along on a bridge drawing a pretty picture... OF MURDER. He looks up, then jumps in the sunroof of a car, takes out all the thugs, the car flips. More goons surround it. Window rolls down.

Deadpool: Wait! You're probably wondering "Why the red suit?" It's so bad guys can't see me bleed.

"Now we know." Weiss said. "Now we know why Ruby wears red."

Deadpool: That guy's got the right idea. He wore the brown pants.

They all laughed.

Jumps out and gets a fucking headshot. Then three more.

Deadpool: Daddy needs to express some rage.

Shoots at... Something.

Music. Deadpool title card.

Motorcycle machine gun shoots Deadpool in the arm.

Deadpool: Mother-fucker!

Looks through bullet wound.

"Damn." Pyrrha said.

Knives vs Katanas

Deadpool: UUH!

Title Card: With Great Power

"Comes great responsibility!" Jaune added.

Dead pool in room of dead bodies. Punches somebody.

Weasel gets lifted by the throat.

Dead pool hits a guy with a Fire extinguisher, then slams him through a support beam.

Title Card: Comes Great Irresponsibility.

"Oh."

Strip club.

Wade fucks his girl.

Colossus throws Deadpool into a car.

"Colossus?" Ruby asked.

Teenage something something watches

Deadpool: It reeks of old lady pants in here.

Blind Al: Sounds like you have a Dick in your mouth.

"Wow." Weiss said. "Lovely."

Deadpool leaves.

Wade takes his hood off in front of Weasel.

Weasel: Motherfucker, you are hard to look at.

Wade: Like a testicle with teeth.

"Yep." Yang said.

Weasel: You look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.

"Yep." Nora said.

Wade: Exactly.

Deadpool draws his swords, and fights Posh Spice.

Getting shot at, wall jumps stabs. Double stab. Aerobatic headshot. Breaths in gun smoke.

Dead pool: I am touching myself tonight.

"Like Jaune?" Yang asked.

"Yes." Jaune said.

Title card: Deadpool.

Weasel: You are haunting! You look like an avocado had sex with an older avocado.

"Yep." Pyrrha said.

Wade: Thank you!

"...for coming to our awesome panel." Ruby said, they all got up and left.


	22. Let's Watch - Psycho Dad Shreds Games

"What is this?" Ruby asked.

"I don't know." Jaune said.

"We had the interns pick a video." Weiss told them.

"No one knows what this is?" Ruby asked.

"Nope." Yang said.

"Good."

(the video opens with Jeffrey walking towards Jesse's room, where Jesse is shocked to find his video games missing)

Jesse: Fuck! Where are all my games!? No Dead Rising! No Crackdown! HALO!? There's no fucking Halo!? There's no way, there's no way this is all...

"Some guy lost his games?" Blake asked.

"He lost Halo..." Jaune said, pretending to be shaken.

(Jesse notices something on the wall)

Jesse: Get a job?

(he walks towards the wall, Jeffrey backs away to avoid being seen)

Jesse: No more games? Dad, I'm going to fucking...

(Jesse runs outside)

Jeffrey: What the hell?

(Jeffrey enters Jesse's room, and finds a bunch of empty game cases laying on the floor)

Jeffrey: The hell is going on...?

"My question exactly." Pyrrha said.

(he turns around and finds what Jesse was looking at, a message from Jeff Sr. which reads "Get A JOB! Get A LIFE! No more GAMES! -Dad")

"His dad hid his games." Weiss guessed.

Jeffrey: Oh no! *laughs*

(he starts to run outside)

Jeffrey: What the fuck is this about? *chuckles*

(Jeffrey opens the door and starts running towards Jesse and Jeff Sr., the latter of which is sitting in a lawn mower and is about to run over a pile of Jesse's games)

""""""""Oh, Shit!""""""""

Jeff Sr.: You've been out of college for how many months?

Jeffrey: Oh boy.

Jesse: What are you doing in a mower?

Jeff Sr.: You've been out of school for three months!

Jesse: That doesn't matter, this is what I wanna do, I wanna game!

"Deadbeat." Yang muttered under her breath.

"You and Dad had the same fucking conversation." Ruby said.

Yang kicked Ruby's leg, causing her to cry out in pain. "That's my ankle, cunt." She said.

Jeff Sr.: Well, you want to game? But you gotta get a job while you do it too!

"Sounds like Dad." Ruby said, still pained.

Jesse: You're insane! Why are you...what are you gonna do, mow them over!?

Jeff Sr.: Yeah, I'm gonna mow them over! That way you'll get out of your room for a little while and maybe you'll get a job. You've been out of school for three months now!

Jesse: Gaming is gonna be my job!

Jeff Sr.: Well, what are you gonna do now!?

Jesse: I do, I'm really good at it!

Jeff Sr.: You got students loans, you got car payments, you got insurance.

"Reasons why I came to Beacon." Jaune said.

Jesse: I'm really fucking good at it!

(he throws an Xbox 360 controller on the ground)

Jeff Sr.: Yeah, well you gotta make money while you do it!

"We do." Ren said.

Jesse: You're not destroying my games!

(Jesse steps forward to try and pick up his games, while Jeffrey starts laughing and moves up to the pool deck to get a better view)

Jeff Sr.: Oh, pick them up while you can!

Jesse: Dad! Dad! Dad!

(Jesse backs away)

Jeff Sr.: Pick them up while you can!

Jesse: No, please!

Jeff Sr.: Because I'm still mowing them over!

Jesse: Please! This cost me like hundreds of dollars!

Jeff Sr.: I'm still mowing them.

Jesse: It's an expensive hobby!

"Expensive as dicks," Nora said. "As Ruby would say."

"Stole my thing." Ruby said.

Jeff Sr.: I don't care! I don't care, you gotta get a job!

Jesse: What does this achieve!?

Jeff Sr.: Get out of your room for once in your life!

Jesse: What does this achieve!?

Jeff Sr.: What does that achieve, what?

Jesse: What is this gonna do, mowing my games over!?

"He's proving how bad of a father he is." Weiss said. "Tell that bastard that he can run his own GOD DAMN DUST COMPANY! OR HAVE YOUR CUNT OF A SISTER DO IT!"

They all stared at Weiss, who sunk down into her seat.

Jeffrey: *chuckles*

Jeff Sr.: Maybe you'll quit playing for a while, and get a job and pay some of your bills.

Jesse: I'm never gonna quit playing!

(Jesse steps forward in one final attempt to retrieve his games)

Jeff Sr.: (starts the mower) It's happening!

Jesse: Dad! Dad!

(Jeff Sr. starts driving the mower, causing Jesse to run away)

"Bitch." Yang said.

Jesse: DAD!

(Jeff Sr. runs over the pile of games with the mower, shredding them into pieces that cover the yard, Jeff Sr. continues to drive the mower away from the yard)

Jeffrey: *bursts out laughing*

(Jesse starts loudly shouting "No!" and "Fuck" then screams)

Jesse: You fuck! Fuck!

(As Jeffrey gets down from the deck, Jesse continues his screaming, which culminates in him starting to cry. Shortly after, he notices that Jeffrey is filming him)

"It's sad really." Pyrrha said.

Jesse: Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck you, you fuck!

(Jesse starts walking towards Jeffrey, who continues to back away)

Jeffrey: It's okay, GameStop was just, like starting to revamp their...

Jesse: You want your fucking...

(Jesse picks up a torch in an attempt to ward off Jeffrey)

Jeffrey(RWBY and JNPR): Oh shit!

Jesse: You want your fucking YouTube videos!? Oh, you think it's funny!?

Jeffrey: (not fazed by Jesse's threats) Oh, a little island native over here! *laughs*

Jesse: Fuck! I stepped in dog shit! Fuck you!

The two teams laughed.

(he throws the torch at Jeffrey, though it misses)

Jeffrey: Oh shit! Jesus.

Jesse: Fuck!

Jeffrey: Fucking psycho! Jesus fucking Christ!

(the camera cuts to Jesse walking in the yard near the remains of his games)

Jesse: Fucking asshole! Stupid freaking...I hate my family!

(Jesse begins to look visibly upset)

"Pyrrha's right." Ruby said.

Jeffrey: Oh god, are you really gonna do it?

Jesse: I can't...

(Jesse lets out a loud scream of sadness (which resembles a Super Saiyan Transformation from Dragon Ball Z), ending with him breaking down in tears)

"I feel bad, really." Nora said.

Jeffrey: *laughs* Aw, that is too bad...

(Jesse starts to pick up some of the remains of his games)

Jeffrey: Aw, he's scrounging around for the parts again! *chuckles*

(Jesse continues to pick up some of the remains, until he comes across a case that appears undamaged)

Jeffrey: Oh wait, a survivor?

"Yes!" Blake said.

(Jesse looks inside the case, but finds that there isn't a disc inside)

Jeffrey: Aw, he lost the disc though.

"Fuck!"

(Jesse tosses the case on the ground)

Jeffrey: *laughs*

(the video ends)

"I'm guessing they're siblings." Weiss said.

"Would you film if Dad did that?" Ruby asked.

"Hell, no!" Yang said. "It'd be my games too."


	23. Go - 3 - Get An Achievement

A/N: It's been awhile, sorry about that, also, I'm going to start adding the description of the videos up here.

Description: This week, Ruby asks that they get 35G on Xbox. Not 30. Not 36. Not 40. 35.

Ruby stood in the middle of the room, the camera way too close to her face. "GO, BITCHES!" She yelled, startling the others, who were probably working on important stuff, well not really. Yang was shooting a nerf gun at Blake, who was reading comments. Jaune was playing Minecraft. Pyrrha, Weiss, and Ren were editing, and Nora was poking Ren.

"A little heads up next time would be nice." Weiss said, taking her headphones off.

"Out of the eight people in this room, three of you were doing work." Ruby said.

"Reading comments is work related." Blake protested.

"That's it. Just had a new idea for a show. Versus. First episode: Blake Versus The Unemployment Line."

The office filled with laughter, the camera beginning to shake as Sun laughed. Blake just stared at Ruby, emotionless. "That's fair." She said, walking out shortly after, closing the door behind her. Ruby walked to the door, opening it, she stuck her head out, saying something along the lines of 'the fans will have my ass.' Blake walked back in and sat back down, the other six still laughing.

"Anyway," Ruby said. "Get an achievement. Go!"

They all turned to their Xboxes. Blake loading up Battlefield Hardline, Jaune went back to his game of Minecraft, "I'm gonna make a fucking cake!" He declared. Nora loaded up Angry Birds, Ren with Shadow of Mordor, Pyrrha also went for Minecraft, and Weiss went with Metal Gear Solid, Yang signed out selecting the "Create New Account" button.

"FUCKING LOADING SCREENS!" Weiss yelled. Metal Gear loading screens suck.

"Cake making is hard..." Jaune said.

"I don't know what the fuck I'm doing." Blake said.

"FUCK!" Ren uncharacteristically yelled. "I COMPLETED THIS GAME ALREADY!"

"I'm not even trying." Nora said.

"YES!" Weiss yelled. "FUCKING DID IT!"

Ruby came over to the heiress. "Prove it."

Weiss was already loading the achievements, when it finally loaded, Ruby yelled, "Weiss wins!"

"FUCK!" Yang yelled, throwing her controller into the wall.

"Yang!" Ruby said. "Destruction of company property!"

"Oh, yeah. Right."

A/N: I'm gonna try and continue this fic. Keyword: Try. Expect more chapters from now on.


	24. Presented With Comment

Description: You guys are so hateful.

"Guess what?" Ruby asked, standing in the middle of the room.

"Shit." Blake said. "Go?"

"Nope!"

"What?" Pyrrha asked. "What are we doing?"

"Presented with comment. I'm going to read a comment, and you have to guess if it's from YouTube, Reddit, or our website. And what video it's from. Links in the description."

"Let's get this over with." Weiss sighed.

"Okay." Ruby pulled out a piece of paper. "Okay, so Dickgobbler43 says—"

The room exploded with laughter. "Dickgobbler43 says: Is it just me, or do they all seem tired of Ruby's shit. Jaune, you're first."

"Go. YouTube."

"Correct. Forgot to mention. Site is a bonus point. Next one is for Yang. Brownman says: Ruby is so cool, getting 100% in every game. NOT."

"Podcast number... Two?"

"Eh, no. Blake, you wanna steal her points?"

"Sure. Podcast number one. Reddit."

"Yes, and no. Now for your question. GavinoFree says: does Blake think that nobody knows she's a faunus?"

"Really? Is it that obvious?"

"Very."

"Whatever. Immersion. Helicopter one."

"Correct. What site?"

"Ours?"

"No. Weiss, yours: Tiny Box Tim says, Jesus, Ren. Calm down."

"Ren scares me sometimes too."

The camera shifted over to Ren, who was centimeters away. "No one will ever find your tiny box body, Tim." He said.

"I'm gonna have to say Go. Cause that's when Ren snapped." Weiss said.

"Site?" Ruby asked.

"YouTube?"

"Correct. Pyrrha. Your turn. Achievement Hunter says, Oh my God is that Pyrrha Nikos?"

"Hello!"

"Answer the question."

"Go episode one. YouTube."

"No. Ren, you wanna steal it?"

"Weiss' heist? Reddit?"

"Actually, it was my heist. But it was Reddit. Our shit spreads like wildfire there."

"Smokey would be ashamed!" Nora said.

"Ren, your comment is by McJuggerNuggets: Not sure if you're on my side, or my dad's."

"Psycho Dad Shreds Video Games. YouTube."

"Surprisingly right. Nora. Ripped Asshole says: I prefer it when they don't post videos."

"See where he got the name Asshole." Nora said.

"Three points right there."

"The last RWBY Life. Reddit."

"Correct. Nora wins at five points."

"Bullshit!" Yang yelled.

"Just cause you're my sister doesn't mean I won't fire your ass!"


	25. RWBY Life - The Scorpion Prank

Ruby looked right at Yang, who was holding a camera, "What did you do?" Yang asked, as Ruby was laughing, her face turning red.

Earlier...

Ruby pointed a camera at herself. "So, I just sent out an email to everyone, telling them that a scorpion was on the loose. And then I put a fake scorpion all over the office.

Weiss walked into the kitchen, pulling out a Tupperware, she opened it, dropping it, she screamed and ran. Sun walked over to it, and picked the scorpion out, walking up to her, holding it by the tail.

"Get that away from me, you fuck!" Weiss yelled.

"It's fake." He said, laughing. "Ruby put them all over the place."

Jaune walked up to his desk, picking up his controller, he saw a scorpion on it, and fell backwards in his chair. "FUCK!" He yelled laying there for a minute, he called out. "Found it."


	26. RJ Shorts - Secret Door

Sun began to walk towards a door, but Jaune stopped him. "What do you think you're doing?" Jaune asked.

"Nothing. I was just going to put these DVDs away. Thought this might be the closet." Sun replied.

"Why don't you let me take care of this for you?"

Yang suddenly appeared. "Why don't you let him take care of those for you?" She asked.

"Okay." Sun said, handing them the DVDs.

Sun sat across from Ruby, and next to Blake. "Hey," he said. "I just had this really weird conversation with Jaune."

"Oh, yeah?" Ruby asked. "He was probably just hitting on you. Wouldn't be offended by that, it was bound to happen eventually." Sun tried to speak. "I'm just saying, you're a good looking guy. That kind of thing happens to good looking guys. I wouldn't really know about it." She said.

"No, no, no—"

"I know, you're not good looking good looking. I'm just saying, you know, you have that crazy tail, that goes a long way. Plus you have that weird-ass Euro haircut."

"My hair's not- that's not what I'm saying. I don't think Jaune is- it doesn't even matter. What's was that I was going in that door-"

"What door?"

"That one over there, that closet or whatever it is."

"Why would you go in that door? You don't need to go in that door."

"Why?"

"There's nothing back there for you. You don't need to go back there. Trust me."

"You're hiding something in there, aren't you?"

"In where?"

"In there, behind that door you won't let me open."

"That's crazy talk." Jaune and Yang appeared behind Ruby. "Yeah, totally crazy." Jaune said.

"Fucking Looney Tunes." Yang added.

"Right now, I'm definitely positive you're hiding something." Sun said.

"You're trying to start a conspiracy theory or something like that?" Ruby asked.

"Have you been talking to Blake?" Yang asked.

"Black helicopters, Google it." Blake said.

"Seriously," Jaune said. "What could we possibly be hiding?"

"I always figured Ruby would be hiding weapons. Yang, probably some illegal booze, right?" Sun said.

"Hey," Yang said. "Moonshine is legal in three provinces."

"And Jaune, probably some WoW themed porn."

"World of Warcraft is nothing to be ashamed of." Jaune defended.

"I'm going to tell you something, and I want you to listen to me and I want you to understand me. There is nothing secret behind that door. There is nothing in that room that you should be suspicious about at all." Ruby said.

"Nothing." Yang said.

"Nothing." Jaune added.

"Nothing!" Ruby finished.

Later that night, Sun snuck back into the office and opened the door, much to his shock.

"Warned you." Ruby told him.

"You shouldn't have come here." Yang told him.

"You shouldn't have seen this." Jaune added.

"What the hell is going on?!" Sun asked. "Who are they?!"

"They're you of course," Ruby said. "We had you cloned."

"Cloned?"

In the closet was a bunch of Sun clones, bound and gagged.

"Why?" Sun asked.

"Uh," Yang said. "Because we needed more of you?"

"I don't understand, why would you do that?"

"Perhaps you shouldn't be asking yourself why, perhaps you should ask yourself am I the original Sun, or is the original Sun somewhere in there?" Ruby suggested.

"Am I the original?"

"Yeah, you are. I'm just fucking with you."

"But, you found a way to clone me? How?"

"Craigslist." Jaune said. "You can find anything on there."

"You see, your first clone found out what happened, so then we had to throw him in there. Second clone, he figured out what happened too, so we had to throw them in there. Then your third cl- well you get the idea, we threw them all in there." Ruby explained.

"You guys are really bad at keeping this a secret from me." Sun said.

"You think we're bad at keeping secrets, you should see Yang try to kill a clone."

"They scream so loud," Yang said. "It's distracting!"

"Why are you always so curious about closed doors?" Jaune asked. "Don't they have closed doors in Mystral?"

"But there's so many of me." Sun said. "Is that Neptune?"

"Dear God," Neptune said. "Help me."

"Oh, that is Neptune." Ruby said. "I was wondering what happened to him."

"Where am I?"

"I can't really tell you two apart."

"We look nothing alike!" Sun declared.

"Am I seeing double?"

"You won't get away with this!"

"Why do all the clones say the same thing?" Jaune asked.

"Sun," Ruby said. "We already have gotten away with it. Haven't you read your contract?"

"Who reads!?" Sun asked.

"We also put some major hints on your desk." Yang added.

"That's where those came from!"

"Yeah we took those on one of the free weekends we do like every six months, it helps keep the clones limber." Ruby said.

"And from joining Scientology." Yang added.

"You're not going to put me in there, right, though? Please don't put me in there, I beg you, don't put me in that room." Sun said.

"Well we can't put you in the attic, that's where all the Jaune clones are that haven't finished their hypnotherapy." Yang said.

"Wait," Jaune said. "The what?"

"SLEEP!" Ruby yelled.

Jaune slumped over until Ruby snapped her fingers and he woke up. "Okay," he said, in a robotic voice. "Everybody get back to work."

"No, no, no, no You're not going to put me in that room, I beg you please don't put me in that room." Sun pleaded.

"What'd he say?" Ruby asked.

"I think he said, 'I'm totally cool with this. Throw me in'." Jaune said.

Sun struggled as Yang threw him in.


	27. RJWU 3

"Weekly update!" Ruby said, doing a motherfucking backflip.

"It's been a while," she said, obviously having jumpcut.

"From theBeacon Academy, this is RJWU number three." An unfamiliar voice said in a video obviously filmed on a phone. The video showed Ozpin's clocktower.

"Sorry for our absence," Ruby said. "Had a lot of stuff to take care of." She paused for a minute. "Shut your fuckin' face." She told the viewers, behind her, the others could be seen working at their desks.

Yet another Jumpcut.

"Got some new shirts." Yang said, now being the only one in frame. Blake held up a shirt that said, "Mario Is Flagasexual" with a picture of Mario hugging a flag.

"Show the other one." Ruby said.

Blake now held a shirt that said "RWBY JNPR" and had a star in it. The star was enclosed by a black circle, little sections of green rounded bars on the outside of the circle. In the center of the green star was a black trophy. (The AH logo with a trophy instead of a joystick)

"We got a logo!" Weiss yelled.

"That's it for this week!" Ruby said, "Join us next time when stupid shit happens!

A little dub step began to play before fading to a bunch of links to other videos.


	28. Let's Play - GTA V - Freemode

"What are we doing?" Blake asked.

"Absolutely fucking nothing." Ruby said.

"Huh?" Everyone in the room asked.

"People wanted to see us fuck around in this game."

As they said this, Yang and Nora played a game of chicken with the Titans, Blake tried to shoot them down, Pyrrha and Weiss were having a gunfight, and Ruby was in a bus and driving at dangerous speeds towards Jaune and Ren, who were standing outside Ammu-Nation.

"So," Yang said. "Should we at least have a— GOD DAMMIT, BLAKE."

Blake had managed to land a rocket on both of the Titans, as they collided. Blake began to laugh maniacally.

"What were you saying?" Pyrrha asked.

"Shouldn't we at least have a goal?" Yang asked.

"I have an idea." Ruby said.

"What'cha got?" Jaune said, only now seeing Ruby speeding towards him. He pulled out his RPG and fired it at her bus. "FUCK!" Ruby yelled. "I was thinking we could re create stuff from the Internet."

"DANGEROUS!" Jaune said. "RECREATING STUFF FROM THE INTERNET IS DANGEROUS."

"Yang!" Blake said. "Do your thing!"

"The following video contains stunts performed by trained professionals on a closed course, under strict supervision. Any attempts to recreate these activities could result in injury, death, and significant damages to personal property." Yang said, "And you would forever be known as the person who died trying to imitate something off the internet. Don't try this at home."

"You memorized that shit?" Ruby asked.

"Kinda had to."

"Why?"

"Saw the notes on your desk for this video, so I quickly memorized it."

"I can see the note card on your desk."

"Shit."

The room filled with laughter. Everyone except for Yang laughed.

"Ow!" Ruby said, followed by her yelling "C'mere bitch!"

Jaune picked up a camera and pointed it at the two, who were on the floor, wrestling, Yang trying to turn off Ruby's Xbox with her foot. "Shit!" She said. "Power button doesn't work with shoes!"

She kicked off her right shoe and pressed the power button, the Xbox making a power down noise. Ruby realized what happened and went for Yang's Xbox, the older girl tackled her and she went under the desk.

"She's going for the power cord!" Blake said.

Ruby pressed the power button on the surge protector. Not only did Yang's Xbox go off, but so did her computer, and the computer with their audio files on it.

"After this, there was too much fighting going on for anything longer than five minutes to be recorded."

A/N: sorry for the shitty cop-out, I'm running low on time. Anyway, no podcast today. Can't tell what's gonna happen with JNPR, and they'd have to have finished their match by then, so... Now you know why i wanted to wait.


	29. Go - 4 - We Don't Need Roads

"GO!" Ruby yelled, yet again, everyone jumped. And Nora threw a plastic ball at Ruby as hard as she could.

Ruby had been standing in the middle of the room, and the ball hit the game shelf. Ruby bursted into laughter over her friend's epic failure, kind of relieved it didn't hit her.

"Little heads-up would be nice." Ren said, trying to keep his cool.

"You guys say that every week." Ruby said. "You'd think the fact that I just fuckin' yelled for Sun to get his ass in here so we could do Go! would have been the heads-up, cause you guys jumped then, too, and yelled at me then, too." As she said this, she bent over and picked up the plastic ball, as Jaune jokingly whistled.

"You better not be filming my ass, Sun." Ruby said, looking around, trying to figure out where Sun was.

"I'm right next to you." He said, letting her know that he was right beside her, filming.

"Oh."

(Ok, so I might as well explain what everyone's wearing so you don't have to visualize their combat outfits.)

Ruby wore the new "Mario is Flagasexual" shirt as mentioned in RJWU 3, on top of that, she wore a black hoodie with their logo on the left chest, and "STAFF" written in the back in green, along with a baggy pair of jeans and an old pair of Converse.

Jaune wore the "Surprise Punches Lead to Domestic Violence" shirt as seen in RJWU 2. He also wore the same hoodie as Ruby. Along with jeans and the high tops he usually wore.

Yang wore a dark grey tank top with "RJX" written on it, the R being red, the J yellow, and the X a computer mouse icon crossed over a white stick. Her wrists were covered in slap-bracelets for bands like the Achieve-Men, and Fall Out Boy. Even one or two RWBY JNPR bracelets that had yet to be released. Other than that she wore skinny jeans and a beat-up pair converse, looking very similar to Ruby's.

Blake wore the new logo shirt, the only difference being that it had "STAFF" written in the back. Under that, she wore nicely fit jeans, and some black, off brand sneakers. Her ears were poking through the top of the Razer Kraken headphones, her hair in a ponytail, extremely thin glasses resting on her human ears, which were under headphones, making her life extremely difficult.

Weiss wore a shirt with a rooster and a pair of wind up teeth in it, reading "RoosterTeeth". She also wore a pair of beige pair of jeans, fitting perfectly. Her shoes were a white pair of Crocs. She let her hair hang down, not in a ponytail, like she usually had it.

Pyrrha wore an dark orange shirt that said "Hello!" In gold. Her hair was how it usually was, but without the gold pieces in it. She also wore skinny jeans, and a pair of red converse, much newer than Ruby's or Yang's.

Nora wore her white and pink hightops, with a pair of baggy jeans and her "Boop" shirt.

Ren wore a dark green V-neck, a pair of nicely fit jeans, a pair of Nikes, and a grey staff hoodie.

"Okay guy, for this episode, we're gonna—" Ruby stopped and threw the plastic ball at Nora as hard as she could, nailing the ginger in the back of the head. Nora had been facing Ruby.

"RICOCHET, BITCH!" Ruby yelled, giving Jaune a high-five.

"Anyway," she continued. "You've gotta be the first to..." She paused, grinning. "Fly a car BTTF style." She spoke that last part rather quickly, giving a disadvantage to NPR, who had yet to get used to Ruby using her semblance to speak, but eventually realized what she had said.

"Do hover cars count?" Yang asked.

"Why not." Ruby answered.

"Did it!" Pyrrha declared. Ruby looked over at her screen, "launching a car off a building doesn't count." She told the redhead.

"Fuck!"

At some point after that, while G-Mod was loading up for Jaune and Ren, while Destiny was loading for Yang, and while Blake loaded up the BTTF mod for GTA IV on PC, Jaune, Blake and Yang began singing an acapella version of "The Power of Love", Ruby joining in, and eventually taking over when their games loaded.

"Does this count?" Yang asked.

"Luuuuu~u~u~ve. Eh, no." Ruby said, finishing that song and moving onto "Back in Time."

"Take me away~, I~ don't mind, as long as I'll be, BACK IN TIME!" She sang. "Gotta get; BACK IN TIME!"

Jaune hastily spawned in a go kart, and started attaching hover balls all over it, Ren doing the same with rockets. Blake arrived in the year 2015 in her game and went to get the flying circuits for her delorean, when Jaune yelled, "DID IT!" Ruby looked over at Jaune's screen, "Jaune wins!" She declared.

"Let's stop."


	30. Let's Play -Minecraft - On a Rail Part 1

"Okay," Ruby said, Jaune watching her MineCraft character, which was at this time a red Spartan from Halo, run back and forth on a hill. "Jaune convinced me that we should play Minecraft." She continued.

Yang suddenly leaped into frame and smacked Ruby, who hit her back. Yang's skin was the combat skin from Trials.

It switched to Blake's perspective as she watched Ren and Nora fight over a tree, Ren had chosen Banjo, and Nora was Kazooie. Blake looked over at Pyrrha who was also watching this unfold. "And they say they aren't together." She said. Pyrrha's skin was Cortana from Halo, and Blake's was The Black Panther. Pyrrha, seeing Blake's skin, exploded into laughter. Weiss walked up to Pyrrha, her skin being Prisoner Alex. Weiss also began to laugh.

It switched to Ruby's perspective as she stared Jaune down, his skin being a creeper. "Anyway," she said. "I guess we're gonna get the On A Rail achievement. So it might take a while."

"I brought drinks!" Yang said.

"Mm." Jaune said, the sound indicating that he was drinking. "I noticed."

JUMPCUT.

Ruby was now digging a stairway down into the ground, singing a quiet and off key version of I Fought The Law. Blake had other ideas, singing the same song, but sticking her tongue out as she sang, making her voice sound weird. The others soon joined in.

"I THOUGHT TE LAW AND TE LAW WON!" They were all pretty much screaming it before Jaune let out a horrifying screech. Bowels were emptied.

"What the fuck was that?" Ren asked after five minutes of silence, switching between their perspectives showed that Jaune was the only one moving, or doing anything for that matter.

"You were hurting my ears." Jaune explained.

"I just shit myself!" Nora yelled, and Ruby began to laugh harder than anyone ever should. Ever.

"Hey, Ruby." Weiss said, "Your skinjust reminded me of that new show we just started."

"RvB?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, yeah. Be sure to check that out, the episodes aren't very long, about like four minutes."

"Don't think you really need to tell anyone to watch it," Jaune said. "It's extremely popular."

"Yeah, we got some guys from another channel called Rooster Teeth to do the voices, since we wanted to be able to focus on other things."

"I think they're actually here right now." Weiss said.

"Hm." Ruby said, acknowledging that she heard Weiss, but didn't have anything to say about it.

Suddenly, Yang yelled, "With my X-Long powers, I can tell that there's some fucking lava right fucking there."

"X-Long?" Pyrrha asked.

"It's my superhero name."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Blake's my sidekick."

"Partner." Blake corrected.

"What's her superhero name?" Ruby asked.

"Cat." Blake answered as though the two had already talked about it. "We had this conversation during lunch."

"Hope The NV makes a shirt with that." Ruby said.

"Don't call me that!" A faint voice yelled.

"I'm your boss," Ruby reminded the voice. "I can call you whatever the fuck I want!"

"Yeah," Jaune said, "don't piss of my girlfriend!"

The person grabbed Weiss' mic, "Stole the first girl you were interested in, bitch." He taunted Jaune.

"Happy with what I got now."

"Banging some underage chick?"

Suddenly, it switched to Sun filming Neptune getting tackled by Jaune, trying and failing to get away. The screen then faded while dub step played, showing links to other videos.


	31. Presented With Comment 2

I just wanted to say that Presented With Comment will be put in Immersion's place for two weeks in a row, but since I want to plot of the show to affect the fic, PWC might take over for a while (I'm pretty sure Weiss got cut off, and she's the one that funds the expensive stuff that Immersion does)

"Presented with Comment," Sun said, standing in the middle of the room instead of Ruby. "The only show that makes Ruby pissed off."

"*cough* on a rail *cough*" Blake said.

"Fuck you!" Ruby yelled from her desk.

"Let's just get this over with." Sun said, glancing down at the price of paper in his hand. "Jaune, you're first."

"Okay."

"How old is Ruby compared to the rest of them?"

"I am fifteen." Ruby said. "They are all seventeen."

Jaune sighed. "On a Rail. Part one..."

"Website?"

"YouTube..."

"Correct. Ruby."

"Present."

"Wow. Ruby isn't a duck for once.' I think they meant to say dick."

"Not Go, that's for fucking sure. Minecraft? Maybe?"

"Nope. Yang?"

"Has to be RJWU."

"On what?"

"Your mother."

"Yang doesn't get the bonus point."

"Worth it!" Yang threw a fist into the air.

"Now for your question. 'Saw you guys. Said hi'."

"I fucking remember that guy! He was the only one to approach us! RJWU! YouTube!"

"Yep."

"Fuck yeah!"

"Blake."

"What? I wasn't sleeping! I don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

"No one said anything like that."

"Oh, you didn't?"

"Nope."

"What's my comment?"

"They're all so surprised. They expected that they were doing something."

"GTA?"

"Yep. Website."

"Uhhhhh. Pass."

"Not even gonna try?"

"Reddit."

"Eh. Correct."

"Weiss' turn. Fuck the Schnee's laughing."

"Minecraft. Only time I laughed. Reddit. Those people are cunts."

"Corr...ect... Pyrrha: JNPR is B-Team, Ruby is Bae."

"RWBY or Ruby."

Sun just pointed to Ruby, who made a rape face.

"Uh… GTA? On our site?"

"Nope. Nora?"

"RJWU?"

"Yep."

"So many from RJWU."

"Now yours, So much in fighting."

"um, Minecraft?"

"No. Ren?"

"I didn't see RJWU, but RJWU?"

"It was GTA. Now yours, It's going down, I'm yelling timber! The blue haired guy ate shit!"

"Minecraft, YouTube?"

"It was on our website. That's two points for Jaune, three for Yang, one for Blake, Two for Weiss, none for Pyrrha, one for Nora, and one for Ren. Yang wins."

"MOTHER FUCKERS!" Yang stood, showing everyone in the room her middle finger.

"Let's stop." Ruby said.


	32. Happy Hour 1 - Tattoos

Description: Ruby gets some tattoos.

A camera is pointed down, but then looks up.

"What Jewish atrocity are you committing?" Yang asked Ruby.

"I'm not Jewish, so it's not a sin." Ruby said.

"But what are you doing?"

"I'm getting some tattoos."

"You're gonna fucking regret this later…" Weiss said, shaking her head.

"Naw."

"You're only getting these cause you saw Geoff with some."

"Tattoos look awesome."

Yang just laughed as she watched this go on.

Now, Yang filmed the guy start on Ruby's shoulder, creating Ruby's rose symbol, then adding Jaune's, then Yang's, working his way down her left arm. He then moved to her left hand and drew the Triforce on the center, and a key at the base of her thumb. He then wrote an R on her index finger, O on the middle, S on the ring, and an E on the pinky, written upside down so, then, others could read it if she made a fist. He moved over to her right hand and wrote an R on the pinky, U on the ring, B on the middle, and Y on the index. On the center of her right hand, he put an anchor, then moved back over to her left arm. Starting at her wrist, he drew a black band, branching off into a rose vine that went three inches up her forearm, with a rose sticking off the other side of the band. On her right arm, in between her shoulder and forearm, he drew on the cardinal directions. On the right side of her right hand, he put a blue circle, with a blue dot and a line going through the middle.

The video cut to RWBY, now in a restaurant, with four other empty seats, waiting for JNPR. "What do you think Jaune's gonna say?" Yang asked.

"Bout what?" Blake asked.

"That's right, you weren't there. Just. Just wait."

The video cut again, this time JNPR was sitting down, and Ruby was wearing a long sleeved hoodie, her hands in her pockets. "Why are you guys filming us?" Jaune asked.

"Call it a reaction video." Weiss said.

"What'd you do?" He looked at Ruby, who just took off the hoodie, and rolled up her short sleeves so he could see all of it.

He looked shocked for a minute, then began to laugh, "You're gonna fucking regret that!" He told her.

"I think it looks cool." She said, crossing her arms.

"I mean, to a degree, yeah, but they're permanent."

"I know."


	33. RJWU 4 - New Shirts and a Poster

"WEEKLY UPDATE!" Ruby yelled, in the office this time.

"From Vacuo." An unfamiliar voice says, filming A crowd of people, all wearing RWBY JNPR Merch "RJWU Number 4!"

Cut.

Blake stood in front of the camera now, looking down at a little notebook. "For T-Shirt Tuesday, we've got a shirt with Ruby on it!" In the top left hand corner was a picture of Ruby wearing a shirt that had the silhouette of her profile on it, silhouetting her hair, and tattoos, with an outline of her facial features, and her body. "Also got a poster." A picture of a poster with the four girls of RWBY on it, string in front of a waterfall wearing glittery dresses of their color. (This is a real poster you can buy on the RoosterTeeth store)

Cut.

Jaune now stood in Blake's place, "Achievement of the week this week is 'In the beginning' you gotta complete the prologue in Pneuma. It's a hundred G."

Cut.

"In other news today," Blake said. "You guys seemed to enjoy Team RWBY action news, but Weiss and I have stuff to do, so I present to you—"

"TEAM RAY ACTION NEWS!" Yang screeched, making Blake cover her ears, and hiss.

Jaune grabbed the camera, and began to run after Ruby and Yang.

(RAY is Ruby, Arc, Yang.)

The three ran past the sound booth. "They're recording for Red Vs Blue in there, so we're gonna just glide on by." Ruby said.

"YOU SHOT *bleep* YOU TEAM KILLING FUCKTARD!" A voice yelled.

The three ran past the podcast set, pointing the camera at the operating booth. "Halloween was two days ago, and we didn't do shit to celebrate." Yang said, tossing the microphone to Ruby, who began to talk fast as well, "Jaune mauled Neptune last week." She tossed the microphone back to her sister.

"JNPR won at the Vytal tournament. Neptune is afraid of water, and Sun's team won as well."

The video cut to footage of Sun and Neptune doing their victory dance, then cut back.

This time Ruby was holding the microphone, "I got tattoos." She held up her arms to show that her arms were still covered in tattoos, then tossed the mic to Yang.

"What's Dad gonna say?"

Toss.

"He has tattoos as well."

Toss.

"He's forty. You're fifteen."

Toss.

"Whatever. We got our hands on Halo 5. Not sure if we're gonna do a LP."

The trio stopped at the front desk panting, well Jaune and Yang were, Ruby was bouncing on her heels. They turned and started talking to the secretary. "What's the best part of your day, Kara?" Ruby asked.

"Uuuuuuuh. I don't know."

"Is it when you turn people away? And they're all like 'aw' and they go back to the car crying, 'Why mommy?' 'Kara wouldn't let us in'."

Yang got the mic, "it's like they're eating ice cream and you knock it out of their hands— [at the same time, Jaune says "now eat it."] and like kick dirt in their faces."

"No dreams for you." Jaune said in a deep voice, while Ruby laughed.


	34. Go 5 - Piss Off Another Employee

The video began with an extreme closeup on Blake, who was staring intently at the camera, she began to laugh and so did everyone else.

"Eeeeeh! Go!" Ruby yelled, her voice cracking to hell.

"Go!" Several of the others exclaimed, not at the same time, of course. It was fucking chaos.

"Here's what ya gotta do!" Ruby said.

"Weiss isn't here." Jaune said.

"Fuck her."

"DON'T GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT!" Nora screeched, falling out of her chair.

"Apparently," Ruby said. "Weiss said that 'family was more important than work' I don't see why she would say that, but…."

"Maybe it's because *bleep*." Yang said.

"Shhhhh. The fans don't need to know that. Sun bleep that out or I swear to God I'll *bleep*"

"Uh, okay." Sun said from behind the camera.

"Anyway," Ruby said, here's what you gotta do; get the RT guys to scream. GO!"

Cut to: cameras mounted to the corners of the RT guys' office, as BY, and JNPR flooded in.

"Shit!" Gus said, "Act like you're working."

The guys all looked down, pretending to write stuff down.

Nora walked up to Geoff, and for really close. "Can I break your legs?" She asked.

"U~uuuuuu~uuuh, n~o" He said.

(The ~ is when his voice cracks)

Yang walked over to Burnie, who was typing something, and began to tap the W key every so often. He just kinda pushed her away.

Jaune walked over to Gus, flipped over his can of pencil, and flipped him off, walking away.

Blake went up to Matt, and just stared at him, unblinking, unmoving. He just kinda put his hand in front of her so that he didn't have to look at her. Then Blake climbed onto his keyboard and laid down. "I know you're part cat, but this is fucking ridiculous." He said.

As Matt tried to get Blake off his desk, they all jumped when Burnie yelled, "GOD! DAMMIT! GET OUTTA HERE YOU STUPID! BITCH! I AM FORTY TWO YEARS OLD! HOW OLD ARE YOU, BITCH?! LIKE SIXTEEN! OLD ENOUGH TO FUCK SEVEN GUYS AT ONCE, HUH?"

Ruby ran in. "Yang wins!" She said. The RT guys all looked at her strange, so she pointed at the cameras. "It's for Go."

"Oh." Burnie said. "I retract my previous statement."

RBY and JNPR walked out, but the camera kept rolling. "Not fucking with the boss?" Gus asked.

"Hell no. I'm not going back to telemarketing."


	35. On A Rail - Part 2 - Pubert

Jaune tackled Neptune, and put him in a headlock, the blue haired boy trying to crawl away. Yang suddenly yelled, "IT'S JAUNE CENA!" Earning a align from everyone except for Jaune and Neptune, who were having a goddamn slap fight.

"Not the face man!" Neptune said. "Watch the hair!"

It was fucking hysterical. And pathetic. But no one was about to stop them, they were all laughing too hard.

Ruby was still a little pissed, though. She stood up and kicked Neptune in the ribs.

"Wow!" Neptune said. "Your girlfriend hits harder than you, that's just pathetic!"

"Dude. I saw your match." Jaune said.

"And so did seven million people." Ruby said, showing him that she had posted a video of it to the channel.

Eventually the two sat back down and they went back to their game. "What did I miss?" Ruby asked.

"Nothing." Blake said. "We were all watching the fight."

"Actually," Ren said. "I made a new friend."

They all went over to where Ren was and saw that he had put a cow in a hole and glassed it off.

"His name is Edgar."

With that, they all started laughing.

"One thing after another." Yang said.

On top of the fact that Ren had a cow in his house, he had made it out of dirt, and was sharing it with Nora, who had insisted on putting some decoration up on the outside, putting up a painting of Kung fu fighters.

"Edgar lives in the Kung Fu House." Pyrrha remarked.

Next to Ren and Nora's house was the beginning of a twenty by twenty cooked stone structure, Ruby's house. "I'm gonna make this go up into the sky, as tall as the world will let me go." She told them, only minutes after they were introduced to Edgar.

Jaune stood at the base, looking up at the sky, then at the currently eight block tall structure. "It'll take a while." He said.

"That's why you're gonna help."

Yang made a whip sound with her mouth, "Short leash~" she sang.

"Actually," Ruby said. "I was referring to all of you."

"What?" Weiss asked. "Why should we help?"

"All I'm asking is you give me all of your stone."

"Oh." Blake said. "Actually sounds reasonable. What'll you give us?"

"Respect."

"HA!" Nora said in a throaty voice, "GOT 'EM!" While everyone else went "OHHHHHH!"

"At least my arms don't look like I was the first to fall asleep." Blake shot back.

"At least I've never robbed a train."

"What are you talking about?"

"True stuff, Bitch."

"ROAST INITIATED!" Yang yelled.

"Who are you rooting for?" Jaune asked.

"Nothing thicker than blood."

"True." Ren said, "Especially when it's all over the walls."

They all turned towards him. "What the fuck?" Ruby said, the distance from her mic was the indication that she had turned towards him.

After a few minutes of silence, Jaune randomly asked, "What was the name of the other Adam's kid? It was like [Blake(at same time): It was Wednesday…] Pubert or something?"

"And uh, ""Pugsley""." They all said.

"Pubic?" Nora asked.

"There was like Pubert or something, wasn't there?"

"No." Ren said.

"Pubert?!" Yang asked.

And that's when the fight started…

"It was Pugsley." Ren said.

"No, yeah," Ruby said. "Pubert, yeah you're right. Pubert."

Yang began to snicker.

"IDIOT!" Weiss said, jokingly.

"Pubert Adams." Ruby said.

"What was—"

Suddenly, Ruby changed her mind, "Pugsley, you idiot!"

"Pubert…" Weiss said, while Pyrrha just laughed.

"God damn." Ruby said.

"There was one named Pubert." Jaune said, laughing.

"No!" Ren said.

"NO THERE WASN'T!" Yang yelled.

"Shut—" Ruby was cut off by Yang's yelling. "NO THERE WAS NOT!"

"Really?" Jaune asked.

"I feel safe to say…" Ren began.

"Was that in the Atlas Adam's family?" Yang asked.

"There has never in the history of human and faunas alike," Ren continued. "Has there ever been someone named Pubert."

"Sounds like a hero's family." Nora said.

"I was trying to make the reference, Nora." Yang said, holding back laughs.

"I don't think there's ever even been a fictional character named Pubert!" Ren said.

"I swear," Jaune said, "the baby was named Pubert!"

"That was in family values!" Pyrrha tried to tell them, but they didn't listen.

"That's a superhero where his power is going through puberty." Ren said.

"Awful superpower." Blake said.

"Well I don't know where I'm getting that from." Jaune said. "My brain was just mush!"

"I don't know where you get anything!" Ren said.

"Coming from the guy with a cow as a child!"

Ruby began to laugh.

"Don't you dare impure the honor of my son!"

"God damn." Ruby said.

"Impubert." Yang added, only to be ignored.

"We're gonna never have this conversation again," she said. "And Ren's gonna come in with a calf and be like, 'guys, meet Pubert Ren'."

They all started laughing.

"Pubert Beef Ren!" Ruby added.

"At least I would have to send him through college." Ren said.

"He has six achievements!" Jaune added.

"That'll be the test!" Yang said.

"Well," Ren said. "If you can get one for media now, you can get them for anything. 'OHHHHHH you turned on your Xbox, yay'."

"You don't have to be so condescending." Blake said.

"It's already condescending! Yeah you watched TV! Good for you, you used functions!"

"You're the only person that finds anything wrong with that." Yang said.

"That's stupid! That's not an achievement!"

"It is an achievement."

"You have achieved nothing!"

"2015 has been the year Ren lost his fucking mind." Blake said.

"He lost his common sense, too." Yang added.

"That's not common sense! How's that common sense?!" Ren said, "That's defining the word achievement!"

"No," Yang said. "Because achievements have always been like that."

"What if it was a trophy?" Pyrrha asked.

"Then that's okay." Ren said.

"That's like complaining about shitty achievements in a game!" Yang said.

"That happens all the time." Ren said. "Why are we still arguing about this?"

"Listen," Ruby said. "I'd rather sit through one episode of Breaking Bad than the credits of some game. Oh you found out who the QR team is, oh!"

"QA." Blake corrected.

"No, it's QR. Pubert works for them."

They all started laughing again.

"Fucking Pubert." Yang muttered.

"WHAT?" Jaune asked. "It's real!"

"IT'S NOT REAL!" Yang screamed. "NO IT'S NOT REAL!"

"They had a kid called Pubert, I swear!"

"Just Google Pubert!"

"Safe search off." Nora said.

"I'm gonna Google it."

"Alright." Yang said, "See if a fucking human comes up! It's gonna be a fucking plant!"

"Hope you're okay with testicles!" Nora said.

"It'll be in the dictionary next to; Names The Doctor Would Slap You For Trying To Use." Ren said.

"He'd slap you, then he'd slap poor Pubert!" Yang said.

After a few minutes, Jaune started laughing. "YANG READ IT!" He said.

"Okay." She could be heard getting up and running over to his desk. Then they both began to laugh, "In the 1993 film," she began reading, "Addams Family Values, which I think is a shitty-straight-to-VHS-film."

"No no," Ruby said. "That was the sequel, the good one. The one where they go to summer camp."

"Fucking Addam, Gomez and Morticia, have a third child, whom they lovingly name Pubert."

They all started laughing.

"Fucking, Jaune!" Blake said, laughing.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Yang asked, now at her own desk, "fucking Pubert?"

"How do you know that?!" Weiss asked.

"Pubert Addams!" Jaune said, victoriously.

"And it has a picture of a baby with the little Gomez mustache!"

"There was two minutes there where I thought I was going insane."

After a few seconds of silence and laughing, Yang yelled, "FUCKING PUBERT? WHY DID NO ONE HAVE A FIT ABOUT THIS IS 1993?!"


	36. RJAA - The Pubert Situation

Hey guys, from now on, I'm gonna make RJAAs, but, since you can't really do that in writing, I'm just gonna make little comics on Deviant Art, so go to ExactChase on deviant art to see this week's RJAA


	37. RJ Podcast 3 - The Candy Fight

Ruby, Jaune: EEEY! PODCAST!

Sun: Fuck it.

Neptune: eh

Ruby: Neptune, you're sitting in the hot seat, you know what to do.

Neptune: Uh. This is the podcaaaaast. I'm Neeeeptuuuune.

Ruby: I'm gonna let you go on.

Neptune: That's Ruuuuuuuby, and next to her is Jaaaaaaaaaune, and then there's Suuuuuuuuun.

Other three: [laughing]

Sun: You can smooth talk any chick you want into bed within five minutes of meeting the bitch, but you can't even do the opening for a fucking podcast.

Jaune: and he's afraid of water.

Ruby: And Weiss.

Sun: And Ruby's scythe.

Neptune: She doesn't need to know that!

Ruby: Wanna have a play date with Crescent Rose?

Neptune: I think I'm good.

Sun:[to Jaune] What the fuck happened to your voice?

Jaune: I went to a Halloween party.

Ruby: I didn't. I handed out candy.

Jaune: I just wanted to ask, did you hand out the shitty raisins, fun sized, or full sized candy bars?

Ruby: Fun sized. Fuckin' handfuls of that shit.

Sun: You went all out. Also, Jaune, how did you lose your voice at a Halloween party?

Jaune: We were screaming along to Rock Band. For hours.

Neptune: I was fucking pissed about that.

Jaune: About what?

Neptune: Rock Band is for when the party is dying, not the whole fucking night.

Sun: They're geeks, they go straight for the video games.

Ruby: Speaking of losing your voice, how has Yang not lost hers?

Neptune: Jesus Christ. After the incident with Jaune, I came out here and sat down, talked to Sun, pretended we were important people on the podcast, and we just hear Yang go "NO THERE WASN'T" We had no context for the situation, and later heard, "FUCKING PUBERT?!" She was so fucking loud.

Ruby: Tell me about it.

Sun: I can only imagine what would happen if you ate the last Popsicle, "GOD- FUCKING— RUBY! YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

Ruby: [playing along] Oh, God not again, IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN, I SWEAR!

All:[start laughing]

Jaune: We were talking about this earlier, is chocolate a candy, or no?

Neptune: absolutely not

Sun: Yes.

Ruby: It's its own subsection of candy.

Jaune: it's like phylum and genus and all that shit,

Neptune: You're including chemistry? It's not chocolate!

Sun: THATS LIKE SAYING IT'S NOT A DESSERT!

Neptune: so you're saying that a chocolate cake is a chocolate candy cake?

Sun: No, that's just cake, I'm saying candy is candy, and chocolate is candy.

Ruby: It's like how a square is a rectangle, but a rectangle isn't a square.

Neptune: here, let me check [grabs candy bowl on table and starts going through it, The whopper wrapper just says malted milk balls, that's it.

Sun: on Halloween you get a basket of candy, and half that candy is chocolate!

Neptune: It's a Hershey's CHOCOLATE bar, not a CANDY bar!

Sun: Just like how M&M's are CANDY coated chocolate!

Neptune: The candy man was a guy with the M&M shell, NO CHOCOLATE

Jaune: So is the shell the candy part?

Ruby: Is there a place that sells M&M shells?

Sun: Probably.

Ruby: What about the sour part of a Nerd?

Neptune: Are Nerds sour?

Ruby: Yeah.

Neptune: No.

Sun: Yeah.

Jaune: I have no choice but to agree with Ruby.

Neptune: Are they called Sour Nerds?

Ruby: No, THEY DON'T NEED TO CLARIFY!

Jaune: You know who you sound like, you sound like Alex from the animation department

Sun: No, he sounds like Gus! You're being a finicky bitch just cause you're sitting where Weiss sat the one time she was here!

Neptune: Don't say that she fucking hears every—

Weiss:[from other side of wall] WHAT DID YOU SAY, SUN?!

Ruby: FUCK OFF!

Weiss: FUCK YOU!

[chatter is heard from the break room]

Jaune: What the hell?

Neptune: Don't they know we have a podcast to film?

Ruby: I'll take care of it. HEY! HEY! SHUT UP!

Jaune: Let's kill the candy talk.

Ruby: After I set up a poll on the website. [Phone buzzes, so she checks it and laughs]

Sun: What?

Ruby: Just got a message from Blake that said, "No." And Yang has a question for you guys, "Did you guys ever grind up sweet tarts and Nerds to snort them?"

Neptune & Jaune: Yes.

Ruby and Sun look at them weird.

Yang: FUCKIN' KNEW IT!

Neptune: I had a weird friend in uh, middle school, the teacher told him to get rid of the candy, so he just snorted it in front of her.

Jaune: That'll show em!

Ruby: [laughing] Did he get in trouble?

Neptune: He went to detention.

Jaune: Was he just some big, dumb asshole?

Neptune: I don't see why, there's no rule saying we can't snort stuff in school

Sun: Is that a rule?

Ruby: it's kind of implied.

Neptune: actually, I think the only school rules are; shorts have to be 4" below the knees, no slashing, or snorting.

Sun: What if it's your medication? And you need to take it really fast.

Neptune: You haven't taken your medication today, is that what you're saying?

Jaune: Have you guys heard about the Twitter polls?

They all kinda nodded.

Jaune: well, at the our Halloween party— I said that weird.

Sun: The our Halloween party…

Jaune: At the Halloween party, we posted a poll, and it said, "To all the people with penises, have you tried to suck your own dick?" Option one was "Yes, of course!" And option two was "No, I'm a liar!" And after twenty four hours sixty five percent of our fans— with Twitter and a dick, said yes.

Ruby: We've actually run out of time.

Sun: Fuck. Really?

Ruby: Yeah.

Neptune: Okay.

Jaune: Seeya Cocksuckers.


	38. RJ Life - That Let's Play Show

Jaune, Ruby, Blake, Yang, and Sun walked down the sidewalk, Yang had taken out her phone, turned on the front facing camera, and had begun to film them.

"We need an RJ Life, don't we?" Ruby asked, seeing the camera.

"Yep." Yang said.

"Well, now this is really our lives."

"Why don't we explain what's going on?" Blake asked.

"Oh," Ruby said. "We are going to pick up some stuff for the new Immersion. And for Yang's Extra Life Stream for tomorrow."

"That's not tomorrow, is it?" Jaune asked.

"It's the day after this video comes out." Sun said.

Cut.

The five are now walking through a Best Buy, when someone can be seen, stopping when they walk down the same isle as them. The person waves, and the camera moves to Ruby, as she waves back, and they continue looking for some monitors. "We should have mentioned when the stream was on RJWU." Ruby said, pronouncing it as Ra-who.

"Is that how it's pronounced?" The person who had waved asked.

"Yep," Ruby said, only glancing as she looked at prices and specs. "The J hopped the border."

The person laughed.

Ruby looked over at them, and noticed that they were wearing the "Mario is Flagasexual" shirt. She laughed. "Nice shirt."

"Thanks." He said.

"Can't help but feel like that killed me when I heard it."

"I was actually the one who yelled it."

At RJX….

Ruby jumped over another pit and walked straight until she reached a staircase, climbing it, she jumped over another pit, and climbed another flight of stairs. She jumped off and hugged a flag, meaning she had reached the end. "Mario is flagasexual!" Someone in the crowd yelled. "Yes!" Yang said. "Who said that?"

Someone raised their hand.

"Can we put that on a T-shirt?" She asked.

"Sure." He answered.

"Got next week's T-shirt." Yang said, turning to Ruby, who was dying of laughter.

Present Day…

"What was your name?" Ruby asked, standing and shaking his hand.

"Jon. Jon Risinger."

"Nice, Jon. We're gonna credit you on the website, but if we forget, there'll be this video." She pointed to the camera, then kneeled down and picked up like six monitors, handing two of them to Yang, who handed off the camera to Blake. Then Ruby handed two to Jaune.

"You've been quiet, Jaune." Ruby said.

"Yeah."

"He's been right behind you the whole time, so he's a good view." Yang said.

"It better be a good view." Ruby said, smirking.

Then she stepped back. "We're gonna need Jaune to go get the car from Beacon."

Jaune looked over a Ruby. "Which one of us can run at the speed of light?" He asked.

"It takes the same amount of time to me. It's just slow motion, and there's the reason I don't like slow mo stuff."

"How bout we call a cab?" Yang suggested.

"Uber?" Sun suggested.

"I'm an Uber driver." Jon said.

"You give T-Shirt ideas, and you're convenient?" Ruby asked. "We're gonna have to keep you around."

Cut.

The six, were now putting the monitors in the back of Jon's car. along with a couple Gaimz cases(or whatever they're called)

His car was a 2015 Honda Accord Hybrid, and if you think this a shitty car, fuck you, cause this thing is fucking nice, it's fucking roomy, a lot of backseat room, it's fucking nice. Buy this bitch.

When they got in, Yang sat in the back on the right side, Blake in the middle, Sun on the end. Ruby sat with Jaune in the passenger seat, because neither one of them took up that much room.

"We need to go to like Target to get some stuff for the Immersion that we should have uploaded already." Ruby said.

Cut.

"Does Ruby really randomly sing like that?" Jon asked.

"Yes." Jaune, Sun, Blake, and Yang said in unison.

"But, we join in, so…" Jaune said.

"She's always done it." Yang said. "She came out of the womb like 'This is the story all about how—'." Ruby cut her off and continued to sing the Fresh Prince of Bel Air Theme, the others joining in. Once they finished, Ruby looked at Jon. "Mom liked Will Smith."

"Oh," Yang said, "I still have that song stuck in my head. You didn't have to watch it 24/7."

"She was pregnant with me, I heard everything. Including that sad episode where Will's dad leaves him."

Cut.

Jaune is now filming, as he and Ruby ripped Nerf guns out of their packages, getting ready to walk back to the car where the others were.

Cut to Yang filming.

Ruby and Jaune run out of the store, wielding Nerf guns, Jaune had a bag of more slung over his shoulder.

Cut to Blake's phone filming, as it's set on the dash.

They both got into the car, and Ruby cocked her gun. "Simmons!" She said in a deep gravely voice, trying to imitate Sarge.

"Yeah?" Blake said, cracking her voice.

"I want you to poison Grif's next meal."

"Yes, sir!"

"Remember, kids!" Ruby said, going back to her normal voice. "Keep your friends close, and your enemies within range of your primary firearm!"

They all began to laugh.

Jaune noticed that Ruby's gun was precariously pointed at his head.

"Gun safety!" He said, pushing the gun away.

"It's not even loaded!" She said. "and my finger's not on the trigger. I took gun safety, you didn't."

"I did for Immersion."

"I gave you the basics, you didn't take a class!"

Cut.

The five, now getting out of the car, wave to Jon, as they grab their things and walk into the office.


	39. Is RWBY Gonna Do Extra Life?

Hey, guys. I really want RWBY to do a twenty four hour stream, but I can't write all that shit in a short amount of time, so I'm gonna spend the next week writing it, making the number of characters match the amount of money RT raises tonight, and I'll use the excuse that they needed time to recover from all that when there are no new chapters until next Saturday


	40. Extra Life Teaser

Ruby stood in front of a large building, holding a microphone. "Here we are at the Vale Children's Hospital, where your donations will be going." She said. "Unfortunately for them, they said that we could film some Team RAY in here… as long as we don't cuss."

Cut to Ruby holding a mic as she walked down the hallway with Yang. "So, there's a kid here who's apparently a fan of us… Let's pay him a visit."

They were both wearing the white coats that the doctors wore. Ruby handed Yang the mic and held up the clipboard she had, trying to pretend to be the doctor until the kid recognized her.

She slowly walked in. "So, uh…." She looked down at the clipboard. "Michael. I'm new here. Transferred from this hospital called RJ."

"What's the RJ stand for?" The kid asked.

Ruby smiled. "I thought the RWBY JNPR beanie would be a dead giveaway."

Jaune and Yang ran in, Jajne holding the camera. The kid immediately sat up. He looked like he was around fourteen years old. "Oh my God." He said, smiling.

Cut.

"We're going to be doing an Extra Life Livestream, raising money for this hospital on the seventh." Ruby said.

"That's awesome." The kid said.

"We might do it every year."

"You should."

"If this one doesn't kill us." Yang said.

Cut.

RAY ran up to a doctor who had just been watching them run around. "You doin' anything important?" Ruby asked.

"Not at the moment."

"Okay, good. You know who we are?"

"Can't say I do."

"We're going to be raising money for this hospital with a Livestream on the seventh."

He nodded. "I heard something about that."

"What are you guys gonna do with the money we give you? Buy some nice cars?"

He chuckled. "Not exactly. No. But I'm not sure. That's not my field."

"Lamborghinis for kids 2015."

A/N: So that's the Extra Life video that they'll show during the breaks… This is all I have done… Just kidding. They're two and a half hours in. Might not be done in time. But it'll be the fiftieth chapter! Yah!


	41. Extra Life Stream Part 1 of 6

A/N: Yeah, so I have 365,000 words to write, yay! Yeah, just so you know I'm starting the the day after the stream (11/08) and I'm going to post this as soon as I'm done.

7:45 AM

The stream started out with a view of the control room, which lasted for fifteen minutes as they got everything ready.

7:55

Ruby could be seen poking her head in and waving at the camera, Yang, Weiss, Blake, Jaune, Sun, and some white haired woman behind her.

8:00

The camera faded to the six, now sat at the podcast set, which had been rearranged with the couch off to the left, Ruby's podcast chair in the middle, and a few stands for playing games off to the right, with four PC's behind them. Ruby was sitting in the middle with a MacBook on her lap, wearing pajama pants, and a T-shirt that said, "#RJEXTRALIFE2015 Weiss, wore her combat skirt next to the the white haired woman sat on the couch. Jaune, wore the Mario shirt, Yang, wore her RJX tank top, Blake, wore a new shirt that said "Totally not a faunas" with a picture of her bow at the top of the text, and Sun wore what he usually wore, as they all sat at the Xboxes, with Blake and Sun sharing a chair, as there were only three.

"Hey," Ruby said, looking straight at the camera. She yawned. "It's the Extra Life livestream."

"Why did you bring me here, Weiss?" The white haired woman asked.

"We're raising money for a children's hospital, Winter." Weiss said.

"Oh, charity…"

"If you don't know what Extra Life is," Ruby said. "We have a video…"

Ruby stood in front of a large building, holding a microphone. "Here we are at the Vale Children's Hospital, where your donations will be going." She said. "Unfortunately for them, they said that we could film some Team RAY in here… as long as we don't cuss."

Cut to Ruby holding a mic as she walked down the hallway with Yang. "So, there's a kid here who's apparently a fan of us… Let's pay him a visit."

They were both wearing the white coats that the doctors wore. Ruby handed Yang the mic and held up the clipboard she had, trying to pretend to be the doctor until the kid recognized her.

She slowly walked in. "So, uh…." She looked down at the clipboard. "Michael. I'm new here. Transferred from this hospital called RJ."

"What's the RJ stand for?" The kid asked.

Ruby smiled. "I thought the RWBY JNPR beanie would be a dead giveaway."

Jaune and Yang ran in, Jajne holding the camera. The kid immediately sat up. He looked like he was around fourteen years old. "Oh my God." He said, smiling.

Cut.

"We're going to be doing an Extra Life Livestream, raising money for this hospital on the seventh." Ruby said.

"That's awesome." The kid said.

"We might do it every year."

"You should."

"If this one doesn't kill us." Yang said.

Cut.

RAY ran up to a doctor who had just been watching them run around. "You doin' anything important?" Ruby asked.

"Not at the moment."

"Okay, good. You know who we are?"

"Can't say I do."

"We're going to be raising money for this hospital with a Livestream on the seventh."

He nodded. "I heard something about that."

"What are you guys gonna do with the money we give you? Buy some nice cars?"

He chuckled. "Not exactly. No. But I'm not sure. That's not my field."

"Lamborghinis for kids 2015."

(End)

8:12

At this point, Jaune and Yang had turned on the Xboxes and were playing Halo 5 on Warzone.

"Wow." Ruby said. "A lot of people know who Winter is."

Winter looked over at Ruby. "What are they saying?"

"Eh. I'd rather not say."

"It's fine. It's probably nothing I haven't heard before."

"If you insist… This person says, uh… You're ruining my favorite people, get out of here you money laundering cunt."

"Wow." Winter said. "They said something nice about my sister and told me to fuck off…. I'll take it they're not fans of Weiss either?"

"No, they're fine with Weiss…. Well, now they are, anyway."

"Weiss still has her haters." Yang said.

"Yeah," Jaune said. "So does everyone else here."

Ruby glanced down at her computer. "I should probably go over the stretch goals." She said. "So to start off, whenever someone donates ehh….. $1,337, we'll spin the Wheel of Destiny." She pointed to a multicolored wheel in the corner.

"Why 1,337?" Blake asked.

"Dunno. Nice number."

"What're the rest?" Sun asked.

"Um, if we get to 300,000 Yang AGREED, that um, we can cut her hair down to the same length as me."

They all looked at Yang, who was not paying them any attention, but playing Xbox while she cradled her hair.

She looked up, "I feel a disturbance in the force. Like thousands of hairs all cried out at once and were suddenly silenced." She said, causing them all to laugh, even Winter.

"Next stretch goal, a little nearer to us—" Ruby was cut off by the sound of an alarm.

"What does that mean?" Weiss asked.

"Means someone donated $1,337." Ruby said. "But, we can't spin the wheel, because we haven't put anything on the wheel!"

"Let Ruby go over the stretch goals." Jaune said, looking at the wrong camera.

"At a hundred thousand," Ruby said, "I'll give Jaune a haircut, because he can't take care of his hair."

"You're not gonna make me bald, are you?" Jaune asked.

"No. You wouldn't look good bald."

"I don't think he looks good, period." Weiss said.

"OOOOOOOH!" Almost everyone said, including the people in the control room.

"After that, at uh, 125,000uh…." Ruby couldn't think of anything.

"Jaune and Sun'll kiss." Yang blurted out.

$2,000

Jaune looked up, "What? No!" He looked over at Sun. "No."

"Definitely not." Sun agreed.

"I will give a thousand dollars if they kiss." Yang said.

"Okay," Ruby said. "If we get to 125,000 Jaune and Sun will kiss. On the lips."

"No!" Jaune said.

"Open mouthed."

"No!" Sun said.

"With tongue."

"No!" They both said.

"Wherever they take it, it'll go."

"You're making it worse!" Jaune said. "What's next? 'If we get to 125,000, Jaune and Sun will get engaged!' I'VE NEVER KISSED ANYONE!"

"What?" Blake asked. "Not even Ruby?"

"Not even Ruby."

"Okay," Yang said. "Next stretch goal, at 10,000, Ruby and Jaune will kiss."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Ruby said, sounding extremely nervous. "I mean, like it might be like, you know a private thing, not you know something we did for some you know, money."

"FOR THE KIDS!" Yang yelled.

8:35 $2,356

"Let's fill up the Wheel of Destiny…." Ruby said, changing the subject. "Hashtag wheel of destiny and suggest something for us to do."

"What do we do?" Winter asked Weiss.

"Whatever the fuck you want." Weiss answered.

"Suggesting some things for the wheel would be nice." Ruby said.

"Try to finish the on a rail let's play we never finished." Yang suggested.

"I'm down for that."

Blake got up and grabbed something from off camera. When she came back, she sat down in front of the Xbox kiosks with a Gaimz case, resting it on her lap as she sat on the floor.

"A lot of people are asking about my shirt." Ruby said. "It's on the store, if you buy it, you're essentially donating. We also have a poster. What is it again?" She turned to Yang, who had been stuffing a donut into her mouth. "It's the animated adventures." She answered.

"Patrick!" Ruby yelled. "Put up the poster on screen."

The poster appeared. It had all of their RJAA characters on it, with big letters reading; RJ EXTRA LIFE 2015.

"It's nice." Sun said. Blake looked up from her game, and nodded in agreement.

8:45, $3,034

"Well," Ruby said, getting up. "I'm going to add On a Rail to the wheel. As well as," she glanced down at her phone. "Story time." She wrote these things down and looked at everyone else. "Any suggestions?" She asked.

Blake looked up, "Orgy."

"No." Ruby said. "We'll get taken down."

"From life?" Jaune asked.

"Yes, Jaune." She replied sarcastically. "If we fuck live, they'll kill us. Anyone with any real suggestions?"

Yang looked up, and around, as did everyone else. "Read a smutty fanfic!" Yang said.

"Okay." Ruby wrote it down.

"Have Jaune narrate something in his talk show host voice?" Ruby asked.

"I'll fucking do it." Jaune said. Ruby wrote that down.

"Do a Halo 5 let's play." Sun suggested.

Ruby wrote that down.

"Rock band!" Weiss said.

Ruby wrote it.

"Lancaster Let's Play." Winter said. They all looked at her. "I found it on Twitter."

Ruby wrote it. "One more." She said.

"Gonna suggest something for the Lancaster thing." Jaune said

"Go ahead."

"Onesies."

"I'm in. Had me at onesies."

"I think seven will do." Ruby said, looking back at the wheel. "Time to spin." She spin the wheel, and it stopped on blue: Storytime.

"Storytime!" Ruby said.

"What's Storytime?" Weiss asked.

"Someone's gonna tell a story."

"Okay."

Ruby walked back over to her seat, setting her laptop off to the side, she sat. "Anyone got anything?"

"I do." Jaune said.

"Good what is it?"

"The time where Yang almost got me shot."

"You're gonna bring that up again!" Yang yelled, as Ruby looked at him in confusion. "When did this happen?" She asked.

"The night where I stormed off."

"Ooooh."

"Okay," Jaune said. "So like I was bored. Really bored. I was praying to God that someone would call and ask if I wanted to hang out. And He heard my prayers, but if I had known what was gonna happen, I would have stayed home." He glared at Yang. "So, Ruby called, and she's like, 'Hey, Yang and I are hanging out, she's drunk off her ass, and I don't wanna have to deal with her alone.' So, being the great boyfriend that I am, I went over to the bar they were at. And when I get there, I found out that Yang had been on a date with some dude who looked like the rapper Homeboy. So like we're hanging out, having a good time—"

"I was there too." Blake said.

"Right, sorry. And Ruby says, 'listen. Blake's drunk, so I'm gonna take Yang's bike and take her back to the dorm, I'll be back. Make sure she doesn't go anywhere.' And I'm like, 'alright, we'll be right here'. And not ten minutes after Ruby left, Homeboy is like, 'Come on, we leavin' and I told him, 'listen. Her sister said she's going nowhere, so just chill for like ten minutes.' And he lost it. He's just like, 'Man I ain't no bitch. I ain't no bitch. And he left. I was in shock for a minute, but then went after him, cause I wanted to get laid later. Not by Yang."

"Awesome boyfriend." Ruby said.

"Anyway. When I got out there, he had her in the passenger seat and was going around, so I grabbed her out and he comes around like, 'what the fuck, man!' I kept telling him you know, her sister said she's not going anywhere. And he's like, 'she's coming with me!' And I became masculine, cause if Yang goes Ruby's gonna be mad at me, and I told him, 'Motherfucker! She's not going with your bitch ass'. And I regret saying that, cause he's like, 'I AIN'T NO BITCH! I AIN'T NO BITCH.' And he pulled a motherfucking gun, and pointed it straight at my chest. And after that, every ounce of masculinity I had, even that I didn't know I had—"

"You fought him?" Sun asked.

"FUCK NO!" Jaune said. "It all went away!" They all laughed. "Before, I was like, 'MOTHERFUCKER!' And at this point I was like, 'Okay~man~let's~not~get~too~crazy~you don't wanna go to prison for murder, do you?' And out of the corner of my eye, I saw the two fattest police officers, I have ever seen, AND THEY'RE ON A FUCKING GOLF CART! And the guy in driver seat is givin it all it's got, but because their combined weight was three metric tons, it was all of three miles an hour. And the guy in the passenger seat has got his hand out and is screaming, 'AAAAAAAHHHHHHH' and I began to feel bad for the golf cart, because even if my ass gets shot, that golf cart has to carry those fuckers back to wherever they came from. And homeboy saw the cops and immediately put the gun away, to would have thought was from the Wild West."

"Wicky wicky Wild Wild West." Ruby sang.

"And he goes, 'hey, officers we're just talkin' right?' And he looks at me. And I decided to keep it cool, y'know, so I'm like, 'GUN! GUN! THAT MOTHER FUCKER'S GOT A GUN!' And they looked at him, and said. 'Everybody get the fuck out of here.' And as Homeboy pulls away, Ruby pulls up, and she's like, 'What happened?' I'm pissed so I just said, 'shit got bad, he had a gun, I'm out.' And I left."

Someone probably would have said something, if they weren't all laughing so hard.

9:00 AM, $5,000

"So," Ruby said. "While you told that story, another person donated $1,337, so time to spin the wheel."

Weiss leaned over the couch and spun the wheel, it landed on white: Smutfic.

Weiss sighed in defeat, "Smutfic."

"Dammit." Ruby said.

(I'm not putting smut on here, so uh, insert your own story, just add them laughing at the smutty parts)

As Yang had read the Lancaster Smutfic out loud Ruby had gotten a Gaimz case, and had connected it to the game screen, which was one of the five game screens up, surrounding the panel that showed the set. She began to play Borderlands 2, with Jaune, and Blake, trying to tune Yang out.

"Shit!" Jaune yelled. "Revive me!"

"Got'cha!" Blake said, reviving him, her screen being shown on the main panel, showing that she was level 22, and that Jaune was 21, Ruby being 21, as well.

9:20AM, $5,050

"When do we start over with the wheel?" Yang asked.

"Ten thirty." Ruby said, looking down at her watch. "We have about seventy minutes. Then, we're planning on bringing in the rest of the let's play crew where we'll refill the Wheel of Destiny with what they suggest we play. That'll work as the Let's Plays for the next week."

As Ruby finished her sentence, the alarm went off, so Yang got up and spun the wheel; "Talk Show Jaune." She told them.

"Get me a portable mic." Jaune said, one being tossed to him.

He brought the mic up to his face, and began to speak in a calm, soothing voice. "As you can see, Blake and Ruby are playing Borderlands 2 on the Xbox One. It came with the Handsome Jack Collection, and the three of us often play it together. Sometimes we get Yang or someone else to play, it's actually quite nice. A very friendly experience."

Yang began to laugh and Jaune turned to her. "Could you be quiet back there, I'm trying to have a one on one with the audience." He said, keeping up his talk show voice. "At the end of the night, I might lull you all to sleep, it'll be nice. I wonder if anyone has fallen asleep yet. I wouldn't blame you if you did, I'm putting myself to sleep. Goodnight." As he said this he fell to the ground, pretending to sleep. The others laughed. He brought the mic to his face and said, "I mean morning, or maybe it is night where you are…. I don't know."

Jaune stood, "I did it, happy?" He asked, clearing his throat and going back into his normal voice.

"Yes, very." Ruby said.

"Good." Sun said, "cause we're almost to ten grand."

"Fight, fight, fight!" Yang said, earning a glare from Ruby, "kiss, kiss, kiss!" Yang finished.

"Put that on a fucking t-shirt." Winter said, making the guys in the control room laugh.

"I will!" Neptune's voice yelled.

"Neptune!" Weiss said. "Get up here."

The blue haired boy ran up the steps onto the stage. "I'm here!" He said.

"You and Jaune're gonna have the rematch of the century."

"What?" Ruby asked.

"I want them to fight."

"Why?"

"They're both incompetent on the battlefield, so it'd be hilarious if they fought."

Jaune stood and walked over to where Neptune was, looking up a bit to look him in the eyes. "My name is Inigo Montoya," he said. "You have killed my father. Prepare to die."

"FIGHT!" Yang yelled.

With that, the two got into fighting stances, and Jaune took off his shirt, screaming, "JERSEY SHORE!"

This made Ruby laugh at him, but then blush when she saw his abs.

"HOLY FUCK!" She yelled. "JAUNE'S NO LONGER CUTE! HE'S HOT AS FUCK!"

Neptune, probably wanting the same kind of attention from Weiss, did the same, only earning an "eh." Because Weiss was trying to be funny. She succeeded.

Yang was the one laughing now, "Ruby was just so excited to see Jaune without his shirt on, and Weiss is just, 'fuck off'." She said between laughs.

"Just fuckin' fight." Sun said, reclining in his seat.

Jaune tackled Neptune (again) and brought him to the ground, making the stage, and the camera shake. "You insulted my honor!" Jaune yelled, getting Neptune into a headlock. "I will kill you."

"I thought I killed your father!" Neptune said.

"YOU DID BOTH!"

Jaune slammed Neptune into a prone position, and got up, placing one foot on Neptune's back. "I WIN!" He screeched.

Ruby leaned over to Yang and showed her a text message, resulting in Yang laughing. Yang leaned into her mic, and said. "Ruby just got a text from our dad, that said, 'Just started watching the stream to see Jaune and some blue haired dude wrestling shirtless. What the fuck happened?'."

They all started laughing.

"Now he says, 'Don't make fun of me, Yang'."

Ruby said. " 'That means you, too. All of you'." She put her phone away, and the alarm went off. "So soon?" Ruby asked.

Weiss spin the wheel, and it landed on…. Rock Band.

"We're playing Rock Band." Weiss said.

Ruby, Yang, Jaune, and Weiss all got up and walked to where they had the Rock Band stuff set up.

"Ruby'll sing." Jaune suggested.

"Why me?"

"You're always fucking singing!"

"Touché."

Yang sat down at the drums, so Weiss and Jaune picked up the guitars.

They chose the song, "Land Down Under." Weiss and Jaune began to play, and then Ruby began to sing on cue.

"Travelling in a fried-out Kombi

On a hippie trail, head full of zombie

I met a strange lady, she made me nervous

She took me in and gave me breakfast

And she said:"

Yang began to play.

"Do you come from a land down under

Where women glow and men plunder

Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder

You better run, you better take cover. Buying bread from a man in Brussels[sounds like gibberish] was six foot four and full of muscle

I said, "Do you speak-a my language?"

He just smiled and gave me a Vegemite sandwich And he said: I come from a land down under Where beer does flow and men chunder Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder You better run, you better take cover. Lying in a den in Bombay With a slack jaw, and not much to say I said to the man, "Are you trying to tempt me? Because I come from the land of plenty." And he said: "Oh! Do you come from a land down under Where women glow and men plunder Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder You better run, you better take cover." She stopped, and soon, the others did too.

"I'm gonna have that stuck in my head." Ruby said.

"Same." Jaune agreed.

They all walked back over and sat down.

10:00AM, $7,745.01

"What now?" Yang asked.

"Uuuh." Ruby said. "If we get to $8,000, we'll spin the wheel three times."

"Okay…"

"Jesus fuck, my email is exploding with donations."

"Ruby says the best things when she's exasperated." Blake said.

"The fuck you say?" Ruby asked, making the control room guys laugh. "You're gonna be in there for a while, might as well make it entertaining for you." She told them.

"Thanks!" Someone said.

"Fuck you! No eye contact!" Ruby yelled back. They laughed again.

"We have gotten to $7,800— 890. We're climbin'."

"It's the cli~mb!" Yang sang.

"And you make fun of me for singing…. Bitch."

"Eight thousand!" Someone yelled from the control room.

Ruby stood and spun the wheel. "Halo 5…" Again she spun it. "And the Lancaster Let's Play."

She says back down and grabbed her Gaimz case, as did Weiss, who handed one to Winter. "We need one more." Ruby said. Rem walked onstage. "Eeeeey!" They all said. "Ren's here!" Sun declared.

A couple of guys brought out a few more chairs and some fold-up tables, placing the large one in front of the couch, one large one in front of Ruby, alongside Ren, and Blake, who also got chairs. Ruby was at the head of the table and the others were on the sides.

Ruby started a match and invited the others, who were talking about Pubert… Again.

"God dammit, Jaune." Yang said. "Wiki can be edited by anyone, how do you know it's official?!"

"Ruby and I watched the fucking movie that night!"

"But did you get laid? No."

"Why is this about my virginity?"

"It's not. IT'S ABOUT FUCKING PUBERT!"

"FUCK PUGSLEY!"

"FUCK YOU!" Ren said.

"You're just pissed cause I was right!"

"For once." Yang said.

"YOU ADMIT IT?!"

"No—"

"You said 'for once' that means you admit it. I was right."

"People are asking how this started." Ruby said. "Yang said something about Pubes away from any mic, and Jaune said 'Pubert?' And that's when the fight started."

"I'm not having this conversation right now." Yang said.

They all joined Ruby's game, and they chose to do Team Slayer in arena. "Team RWBY as Red Team!" Yang declared.

"Team….." Jaune paused. "JWSR (Juicer) as Blue Team."

"Juicer?" Winter asked.

"J-W-S-R."

"Oh,"

As soon as the game started, Ruby got the sniper. "You guys go in and hit them, I'll provide covering fire. Don't get got."

WBY ran in, attacking JWSR, killing Winter immediately, as she wasn't very good at the game. Blake hit Sun with a plasma grenade, Ruby sniped Ren, and Yang assassinated Jaune, who had been trying to escape the onslaught.

"AGH!" Ruby screamed. "SHIT! I'VE BEEN GOT! BLIP 'EM! BLIP 'EM!"

"You were absolutely mullered." Jaune said, only to get hit with a rocket launcher by Weiss. "YOU MINCY LITTLE PRICK!" He yelled.

"Lotta name calling." Sun said.

"BLIP! BLIP! MOTHERFUCKERS!" Yang yelled, killing Sun, and Winter.

Ruby assassinated Ren, yelling, "SURPRISE MUTHAFUCKA!" He jumped, and dropped his controller, making the others laugh uncontrollably. His face made it look like he had shit himself.

Ultimately, RWBY won the game, it was 50 points to 10.

After moving more stuff around, the set was back to how it was when they got there. WBY, and WSR walked off, leaving Jaune and Ruby at the Xbox kiosks, Ruby wearing a penguin onesie, and Jaune wearing a Pikachu onesie.

"Pika Pika, bitch." Jaune said.

They both signed in and opened up their game libraries, looking for something to play. "Borderlands?" Jaune asked.

"We were playing that earlier."

"You got any suggestions?"

"No, do Hugh?"

"Hugh? Who's Hugh?"

The control room guys laughed again.

"I feel like we have a laugh track." Ruby said.

"You're avoiding the question."

"I MEANT YOU! Dumbass."

"Oh, right."

"Fuck it. We'll do Borderlands…. The Pre Sequel."

She looked offstage, probably at the preview screen. "We are at…. Damn. $9,589. I'm just gonna get this out of the way…" she leaned over and kissed him, then looked at the camera, "Happy?" Jaune looked noticeably dazed. "You fucking killed him!" Pyrrha yelled from offstage.

"I'm fine." Jaune said, regaining his state of mind. "L.. Let's just play the game."

"LLLLLET'S PLAY!" Ruby yelled.

They both created characters, Ruby being a red Clap-Trap, and Jaune being Wilhelm.

Their character got up off the ground, a black and grey ClapTrap being in front of them

Claptrap Steward: Hellooo, Vault Hunter, and thank you for answering Hyperion's summons! Unfortunately, the Helios Space Station is currently under attack by insane Dahl military forces! Please, take this ECHO device!

"Okay!" Ruby said.

"Gimme, bitch." Jaune told the bot.

He begins to lead them away,

Claptrap Steward: Neat rocket! Landing coulda used some work, but A for effort!

"Fuck you!" The two told him.

"Rockets look like dicks…" Ruby said, randomly. "And why do you have a boner?"

"Why are you looking at my dick?"

"Because it's mine."

"...I don't know what to say to that."

"It means you're my main bitch."

Everyone off stage laughed, as did Jaune.

They returned to their game as some "Lost Legion" troopers appeared. The two quickly killed all of them, "Son of a bitch." Ruby said.

"What?"

"I am turned on as fuck."

"Was it the kiss?"

"No it was your fully erect dick trying to break out of your pants—yes it was the kiss."

"Do chicks not get turned on by dicks like dude do tits?"

"Personally, I talk about it so much, so not really."

"Oh."

As they conversed, they kept playing. A Cutscene appearing of Jack being attacked, so they had to clear out the room, then they had to revive Jack and turn on the quest.

"That's all we have time for." Ruby said.

"Really?" Jaune asked.

"Yeah. We ran five minutes over."

"Shit."

"We'll be back!" Ruby said.

As she said this, they faded out and a video began to play.

Ruby stood in front of a large building, holding a microphone. "Here we are at the Vale Children's Hospital, where your donations will be going." She said. "Unfortunately for them, they said that we could film some Team RAY in here… as long as we don't cuss."

Cut to Ruby holding a mic as she walked down the hallway with Yang. "So, there's a kid here who's apparently a fan of us… Let's pay him a visit."

They were both wearing the white coats that the doctors wore. Ruby handed Yang the mic and held up the clipboard she had, trying to pretend to be the doctor until the kid recognized her.

She slowly walked in. "So, uh…." She looked down at the clipboard. "Michael. I'm new here. Transferred from this hospital called RJ."

"What's the RJ stand for?" The kid asked.

Ruby smiled. "I thought the RWBY JNPR beanie would be a dead giveaway."

Jaune and Yang ran in, Jajne holding the camera. The kid immediately sat up. He looked like he was around fourteen years old. "Oh my God." He said, smiling.

Cut.

"We're going to be doing an Extra Life Livestream, raising money for this hospital on the seventh." Ruby said.

"That's awesome." The kid said.

"We might do it every year."

"You should."

"If this one doesn't kill us." Yang said.

Cut.

RAY ran up to a doctor who had just been watching them run around. "You doin' anything important?" Ruby asked.

"Not at the moment."

"Okay, good. You know who we are?"

"Can't say I do."

"We're going to be raising money for this hospital with a Livestream on the seventh."

He nodded. "I heard something about that."

"What are you guys gonna do with the money we give you? Buy some nice cars?"

He chuckled. "Not exactly. No. But I'm not sure. That's not my field."

"Lamborghinis for kids 2015."

(End)

10:45AM, $25,067

"Damn." Pyrrha said. "Ruby and Jaune need to kiss more often."

"What makes you say that?" Nora asked.

"We got fifteen grand from that. I wonder what's gonna happen when Jaune and Sun kiss."

"IT'S NOT HAPPENING!" Jaune yelled.

"Just roll with it." Ruby told him.

"Okay."

Yang laughed. "Ever since Ruby kissed Jaune, he's been pussy whipped." She said.

Ruby looked at Jaune. "As long as you're not an asshole. You're in the clear."

"Okay." Jaune said.

"So." Ren said, changing the subject. "What're we doing?"

"We're gonna do On A Rail even though the wheel didn't say we could." Ruby said.

"Gotta fill the wheel." Blake said.

"Right."

Might as well say the seating arrangements. Pyrrha, Ren and Nora are on the couch, Jaune, Yang and Ruby are at the Xbox kiosks, Blake is sitting in the floor and Weiss is where Ruby had been sitting.

The fold up tables were back in front of the couch and in front of Weiss, while Blake said she was fine on the floor.

"For the wheel, someone suggested that Ren and Nora kiss." Pyrrha said, looking at her phone.

"We're not together." Nora said.

"Uh-huh…." Weiss said. "We know you aren't."

Ren rolled his eyes and ignored the comment.

"Aw, fuck." Yang said.

"What?" Blake asked.

"Someone just pointed out that the initials we use to shorten the name RWBY JNPR really just says Ruby Jaune."

"Never thought of it that way." Weiss said.

"It was either that or Achievement Hunter."

Ruby said. "And that is just… Eh! Horrible name."

"Speaking of names." Jaune said. "What about that new thing you launched?"

"Funhaus?"

"Yeah."

"Sun and his team have a YouTube Channel now called Funhaus. Spelled Fun, H-A-U-S."

"Got a good one for the wheel!" Nora said. "Someone said, watch a video from Ruby's personal channel."

Yang began to laugh. "I've seen those videos, and they are worth watching."

"What are they?" Weiss asked.

"Just Ruby playing shitty games on the NES and have a fucking freak out."

"How about a stretch goal." Ruby said. "If we get to 50,000 then I'll start posting those on the main channel. And put just playing them on the wheel."

Weiss put it on, and stayed over there to put up more.

"They want us to do FNAF." Jaune said. "All of us."

Weiss put that down.

"Read non smut fan fiction." Yang said.

It is written.

"Someone wants us to bring on at least one of the RvB guys."

Written. Four more.

"Burn Ren's shoes." Nora said.

"Why the fuck not?" Weiss asked, writing it down, as Ren dropped his head.

"Q and A." Ruby said.

"Play Destiny." Blake said. (Shoutout to the guest who suggested this so long ago)

"All friend someone on Xbox Live. Someone who wins something."

"That's all we can fit." Weiss said.

"While we were gone, we got a 1,337 donation, so SPIN IT!" Ruby said.

Weiss spun it and it landed on yellow; "Ruby's Channel." Weiss said.

"So soon?" Ruby asked.

"Yep."

"Gonna go show Patrick which one to play."

Ruby got up and walked off stage, coming back a minute later, "He knew already." She said, and the video began to play.

Ruby: Like glass stained forever red, it's the mind that won't let go. But how do you forget a face? Especially one like that. I... can't forget.

[A train drives past Ruby]

Ruby: That was louder than I was expecting, I'm out of here!

[Ruby walks into a store and picks up a Foodfight DVD]

Ruby: Oh my god, sir. This is amazing. How long have you had this?

Store Clerk: One million year.

Ruby: I'll take it!

[Ruby gets back to her dorm]

Ruby: What is this movie?

Charlie Sheen: I am on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen!

[Foodfight!]

Ruby: Oh no! No, I... I know what this is! I thought they canned this thing over a decade ago! Well, sit tight, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause we're about to have ourselves a food fight.

This ill-fated film was the brainchild of Larry Kasanoff. It came out in the year 2012 and it features an all-star cast including Charlie Sheen, Wayne Brady, Hilary Duff, Eva Longoria, and even Christopher Lloyd. There's only one catch here. The film was supposed to come out in 2003! In late 2002, all of the film's files were reportedly stolen. In what was quoted, "an act of industrial espionage". An entire movie - right down the drain. At this point, some people would give up. They'd say, "That's the breaking point. We tried, team. Good job. Round up next week."

But not Larry Kasanoff, he was not one to accept defeat willingly. The next 10 years of this film's production cycle are shrouded in mystery. But one thing is known, they spent all of it trying to bring this film back to life like some sort of proverbial Frankenstein's monster. Perhaps it was because it meant so much to them or perhaps it was because the believed in it with hearts and minds. Or maybe it had something to do with them sinking $65 million into it. Ladies and gentlemen of planet Earth, you can't make this shit up. I introduce you to Foodfight!, the worst animated film of all time.

This movie takes place in your average American supermarket, dubbed Marketropolis... Market. Oh, off to a good start already.

Mr. Leonard: Just closing up. Nothing much happens around here after dark.

Ruby: Now that is exactly what someone would say is something much DOES happen around here after dark. And much it does happen. After dark, the super market transforms into a... city? I'm pretty sure that's what happens, you got a better answer? The first shot of this movie is just an unbroken constant barrage of information. It's introducing all of these characters, but none of them do or say anything significant. What's this? Who's this? Why is this happening? Oh, he's gone. Was that our main character? I guess he doesn't wanna be here either.

Maybe the main character is this terrifying dancing elephant, or this king frog, or maybe it's his farts, or maybe... is that Mr. Clean? Did Mr. Clean just show up in my movie? Okay, let me get this straight. We are 2 minutes and 39 seconds into this movie, we haven't even seen the definitive main character yet, and Mr. Clean has already rolled up to the party and the SPENT THE JOKE ABOUT HIM GETTING DIRTY ALREADY! CH! GAH! WHY! C'mon...c'mon... Come on, come on, oh goddammit. How do I turn this shit off? How do I turn this shit off?

[She pulls the plug]

Rubh: Sweet release.

[The plug jumps back into its socket, and the movie continues]

Ruby: NO! So here we finally meet our main character, Dex Dogtective, voiced by Charlie Sheen.

Dex: Listen up, FatCat Burglar. I'm giving you one last chance to hand 'em over before I cash in your coupons for you.

Ruby: So good to hear that voice coming out of that dog.

FatCat: It is you, the great Dex Dogtective, who's about to take a fall!

Dex: If I had raisin every time I heard that one.

Ruby: Honeybee... flower. Mouse... cheese. Dog... Raisins? I don't see anything wrong with that. Dex is a crime fighter. Putting a roof on all the acts of skullduggery and mischief. Here we see him working to thwart a catnapping, heph heph heph.

Dex: It's just you and me, FatCat. Now fork over the little guys and no one gets hurt.

FatCat: I'm gonna kill you!

Ruby: Wow! We're just gonna go right there?

FatCat: Is that sooo wroooong...

Ruby: My god, how do I even approach this? The son of a bitch is falling out of the sky like a goddamn sarcophagus. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. And he sticks the landing!

[Ruby shows a scorecard with a 10 on it]

Ruby: That's the only 10 this movie's getting.

Dan: Ah, no worries! You can do it, as long as you got me to help you. Did I mention me?

Ruby: Here we meet Dex's best friend, Daredevil Dan. A chocolate squirrel whose main character traits are broken motion capture and making Wayne Brady seem like he's not an actor.

Dan: Relax, bro! We're talkin' about Sunshine Goodness. You could give her Cracker Jack ring and she'd still say yes!

Ruby: What'd they film this movie on? Microsoft Kinect?

Dan: ... of the food bank! This... this is...

[LITERAL ACTUAL NOISE FROM FILM.]

Ruby: (over-amplified) AM I DEAD YET? (back to normal) Eventually we're introduced to the fact that Dex is dating this faunas chick over here, voiced by Hilary Duff. And he's about to ask her to marry him. I just, I just wanna point out that this magical melon ball exists on the, uh, top layer of this reality at all times. Well, that's some good sweatshop CGI there. Oh, god, there's something so unsettling about her character. I feel like I have to try to avoid her line of sight to be comfortable. Although it doesn't seem like that's gonna be too hard.

So here's a little something I had to figure out myself about this movie. That it is essential to understanding the central concepts in this film. It is never directly referred to at all, not even once. You see, the characters all refer to themselves as "Ikes" because they're all in their own words, "icons" of a brand of grocery store product. Which I guess would explain Mr. Clean from earlier. I don't know, maybe it's a coincidence, who knows. Now, I'm gonna go by "Jack". I'm not gonna tell you why. Figure it out, dick. So, before Dex can pop the question, Sunshine bes a total bitch and walks off into the sunset even though it's completely obvious that he is about to pop the question.

Dan: Don't worry. I ain't like it's the last time you're ever gonna see Sunshine again.

Ruby: That's the last time we're seein' Sunshine, isn't it?

[Six Months Later]

Ruby: Ach!

Mr. Leonard: May I help you?

Mr. Clipboard: You must be Leonard...

Ruby: You know, I'd make a comment here but I'm genuinely worried he might actually have a disability. Alright? And then who looks like the bad guy? Well, I mean, okay this guy a little bit because there's still a bad guy in the movie but mostly me. Mostly Ruby.

Chip bag: No one wastes me chips and gets away with it. Brand X will pay. Arrrr!

Ruby: So wait, the chips can also see and talk when we're in the supermarket reality? When does the city reality become the supermarket reality? Is there a divide here? When does it trasition from the walkin' around to a bag of chips on the shelf? Is this like Toy Story rules or is this like, like The Fountain rules, where there's no rules? Oh, God help us; I think this is Fountain rules. It's been 6 months since Sunshine's disappearance and we find Dex moping in his office because he is an asshole and lost his girlfriend. Dan tries to cheer him up with some good old-fasioned practicality.

Dan: You got a club to run! And you can bet the Copabanana's gonna be...

Ruby: His mouth doesn't even sync up. They didn't even try there. What's he doing with his legs? Look at his legs! Why are they constantly moving around like that? It's like if F.D.R. came back to life and tried to show everyone what legs do.

Cheasel: Hehe, well of course I can provide you with a backstage pass to the Copabanana.

Dex: Let him go, Cheasel.

Cheasel: Dex, what a pleasant surprise.

Ruby: Oh, f***, c***, a**! Is that a poop rat, is that a f***** poop rat? ... Wha-what, what is it? Am I threatening you? You threatening me? Who's the threat here?

Cheasel: You despise me, don't you?

Ruby: Bad touch! Bad touch! Stranger danger! So, after a series of orwellian horrors, we arrive at the Copabanana, the talk of the town club that Dex runs. Oh, yeah, and tits on a bird, too, as well, also. Zwei, close your eyes. This is inappropriate.

Zwei: You monster, let me see those melons!

Ruby: Now, that is some dancing that'll get you laid, let me tell you about it.

California Raisins: Whoooooaaaaaaa, I bet you're wonderin' how I...

Ruby: Have I been eating too many raisins or is that, uh, the California Raisins? Is that Charlie the Sunkist tuna? Mrs. Buttersworth? Whoa, wait, Mr. Clean is back? This movie is just a giant product placement, isn't it?! Wait a second, even on the front cover, the main characters are taking a back seat to the... product placement. Oh, my god, this is despicable! Is the only reason they finished this movie is because they had the rights to all of these identifiable brand names? Was it for the payout?

Who would do somethin' like that? That's despicable. Now, if you excuse me, I have to blow off some steam with my Hot or Not app. Where you can rate your friends, match up, and even chat! PeanutButterGamer, is he hot or not? Yeah, that's hot. Jacques? Ah, whew, baby. That's hot. Dinosaur bones? Well, I don't know about that. They've been in the ground for a while. Not! Surely, no one actually believed in this heaping molten mess, did they?

Dwarves: We gotta move...

Ruby: It's not even really for kids. It's weirdly sexual and inappropriate in places it shouldn't even be.

Lady X: I'm looking for a guy about your height.

Sunshine: It warms my heart the way you love my raisins, tough guy.

[weird.]

Ruby: Even the Chiquita banana woman makes a passing comment about her boob milk.

Chiquita Lady: Do I look like the Dairy Queen to you?

Ruby: Well, that's just sick, lady. Don't bring that up here, there's kids in the audience. Hell, I'm an adult in the audience and I'm offended. Don't bring that trash here! Oo, mama! Look at this vixen here, voiced by Eva Longoria, whose dashing looks cause a stir in the club.

Dan: Foodfight!

Ruby: We got one! We got one, ladies and gentlemen!

Yang: I'm finally free. What year is it?

Ruby: Why, it's 2015. Who are you, though?

Yang: I've been trying to finish this movie for decades! You made it past the 20 minute mark? I can never get past the part where the squirrel shits out of his eyes!

Music: Mr. Clean! Mr. Clean!

Yang: Quick, hide! He'll be coming for us!

Mr. Clean: Ha ha ha!

Jaune: Oh, god! It's him, it's him! ... NO! That's what he does! He raises your level of cleanliness to impossible levels of upkeep! Banana split, let's blow this Popsicle stand! Kumquats, I don't know, whatever!

Ruby: Well, that just sorta happened to me. I mean, I didn't even participate in that.

Zwei: It was cool, though.

Ruby: I don't know. I don't know what's happening in the film at this point.

Viking/Lumberjack: Hooooooo...ahhhhh! Stop it, stop it! Not that hard, ow!

Ruby: What is going on? How am I supposed to react to any of this? So, as the story goes on - and by story going on, I mean becoming a fever dream - a line of evil products called Brand X are setting up shop in Marketropolis Market in an attempt to push out all of the other Ikes from the supermarket. Bad things start to happen around town, including the deaths of some of the company mascots themselves. Realizing his town needs help, Dex finally snaps out of his depression and decides to look into things further.

Dex: I still got it. ... Oof!

[Foodfight!

Producer - Lawrence Kassanoff

Dex Dogtective - Charlie Sheen

Sunshine Goodness - Hillary Duff]

Lady X: Being filthy can be loads of fun. Don't you think so, Dex?

Dex: There are some stains you can never wash out.

Ruby: For god sake, work on your aim.

Dex: I wanna know how you rubbed out all those Ikes last night.

Ruby: I wanna know how you managed to raise $65 million with this script. What a surprise we find out Eva's character has been running with the Brand X boys all this time. And all she wants is Dex to join her in her evil plot for supermarket domination. Also, she's a nazi... and a Star Wars.

Dan: What the f***?

Dex: They're building an entire army of robotic Exobites.

Ruby: What the hell is an Exobite? The lore is rich in this world, lemme tell ya! They expect you to know the source material going in, alright? Study up! It's a matter of respect. So now it seems like they crossed over their supermarket world into the real world? I guess they could match this at will. Like I said it's Fear and Loathing rules, there's no rules! Come on! What is it today? Black Friday? Oh...Oh, god, OH GOD! Real world's horrible! Go back to the supermarket world!

Brand X Lunch Lady: Miss me?

Ruby: I've made a huge mistake, supermarket world is just as bad! So, we're like halfway through this movie, I don't even understand how there's another half, by the way, and the confused writers are still throwing new characters at us out of the blue. Such as this bat pervert who has the hots for chocolate people.

Vlad: Is that the enticing scent of rich, creamy, chocolate? Are you chocolate, are you made of chocolate? Really?

[BAD TOUCH]

Ruby: So we're gonna fast-forward a bit here. There are plenty of twists and turns, let me tell ya, but we eventually end up at the climactic showdown between the Brand X guys and the Ikes. And what it ends up being is a 35 MINUTE LONG, ACTUAL SERIOUSLY, 35 MINUTE LONG sequence of a grand scale war between Brand X and the Ikes. Nay, not a war... a...

Dex: Food...FIGHT!

Ruby: Oh, we're doin' this again? Ech, aba-bag of confetti saved up? Oohoohoohoohoohoo! Literally, this goes on, and on, and on, and on! It's just the same shot over, and over, and over, of people falling over, and over, and over!

Lady X: But enough about me, let's kill you!

Maximillus: He won't hit her. Not now, not never.

Sunshine: But I will!

Ruby: You guys should have called this movie catfight, heh heh! Because she's a cat, ngngng!

Dan: Oh, look at you!

Ruby: Oh, I see: so the hot girl was actually ugly all along! Not just inside, but outside, too! Well, that's a relief because now there's absolutely no hang-ups about hating her. Let's celebrate! Yeah! Ugly people never win; that's the moral of the story, guys!

I guess some things you just never forget. Some scars never heal. I don't even like you, why'd I take the time to put you in a goddamn locket? This is bullshit, I'm gettin' outta here.

[Ruby drops the locket with Dex in it into the river]

[CHARLIE SHEEN - GOLDEN GLOBE FOR BEST TV ACTOR 2002

EVA LONGORIA - SAG AWARD FOR BEST ENSEMBLE IN COMEDY SERIES 2005 and 2006

HARVEY FIERSTEIN (Played FatCat) - 2 TONY AWARDS

WAYNE BRADY - 1 PRIMETIME EMMY 2 DAYTIME EMMYS

HOW DID THIS MOVIE HAPPEN?]

Back on the stage. 11:01, $28,972

"That was twenty minutes of gold." Yang said, laughing.

"Who was Mr. Clean?" Pyrrha asked.

"Jaune." Ruby answered.

"Zwei was talking." Weiss said.

"Added in post."

"Racist cat jokes." Blake said.

"I can make them cause I don't mean them."

Jaune was still laughing.

"What?" Ruby asked.

"Bad touch! Bad touch!" He told her.

"Oh. You mean—" Ruby jumped back in her seat and clung to the back rest. "BAD TOUCH!" She yelled. "BAD TOUCH! STRANGER DANGER!"

"The poop rat thing was pretty funny." Yang said.

"FUCK!" Ruby yelled. "CUNT! ASS! Is that a poop rat, is that a fucking poop rat? ... Wha-what, what is it? Am I threatening you? You threatening me? Who's the threat here?"

They all began to laugh again.

"Let's just do the let's play." Ruby said.

The view of the stage switched to Ruby's screen with the stage now being in the lower right hand corner, just below the names of the people who had donated.

As they mined, mostly in silence, searching for the required gold, Ruby began the ritual. "Wom. Wom wom wom. Wom. Wom wom wom." (Eye of The Tiger) soon, Jaune joined in, and Ruby began to sing. "Risin' up! Back on the streets! Did my time, took my chances! Went the distance. Now I'm back on my feet! Just a man and his will to survive!"

The others joined in, Jaune still imitating the guitars, and Ren imitating the drums.

"So many times, it happens too fast! You trade your passion for glory. Don't lose your grip! On the dreams of the past! You must fight just to keep them alive!"

Then they did the chorus, horribly out of tune, and too high pitched. "It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight! Risin' up to the challenge of our rival! And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night! And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger!"

11:36AM, $50,369

"Shit." Ruby said. "We raised twenty grand in half an hour."

"Fuck me!" Jaune yelled.

"Later!" Ruby yelled back, making the others laugh. "You think I'm kidding?" She asked. "Someone's gotta do it."

"I thought it was about to happen when we went to break." Yang said.

"I know." Ruby said. "You kept yelling, 'Kiss kiss kiss! Fuck fuck fuck'!"

"You did." Pyrrha said.

"It wasn't gonna happen under those circumstances, anyway." Jaune said. "I don't think I'd be able to get it up when a camera's right there."

The others laughed.

Unbeknownst to the others, Ruby, crouched, approached Ren's house. Patrick noticed this and isolated her audio. "Patrick, you fuck." She whispered into the mic. "You're putting me on the spot."

She opened Ren's door, knowing that he was in the mine, creating rails. She looked down at Edgar and broke the glass, creating a staircase out, she began to push him out. "Go, you stupid fuck." She whispered. She pushed him through the door. "Go, Edgar. You're free. Go!" She began to giggle as she repaired the enclosure, and went about her business.

Ruby's audio was no longer isolated, and Jaune walked into Ren's house, planning the same. "The fuck?" He said outloud. Ruby looked at his screen and laughed.

She whispered what had happened into his ear, then turned to Yang and told her. Yang laughed. "You're devious." She said.

11:50, $51,684

"I think at 12:00 we'll end On A Rail, and move on." Ruby said.

"Look!" Jaune said. "I've created the Tower of Pimps!"

Ruby looked at the center of town, where Jaune had erected a tower five blocks tall, one block obsidian, and four gold.

Weiss walked up to the tower, and tore it down. "No." She said. "That's derogatory towards women."

"No wonder they call you the ice queen." He said.

"GOT THE ACHIEVEMENT!" Ruby screeched.

"Wha—" Blake asked.

"Tracks done."

Ruby picked up the cart and ran back. "Let's make sure Jaune doesn't get the achievement." Nora said. "He's been dicking around too much."

"My fault." Yang said. "I may have spiked his drink with TONS of liquor."

"I— You didn't drunk me." Jaune said, his speech slurring.

"I agree with Nora." Ruby said.

"Why?" Blake asked.

"I don't like drunk Jaune. He's an ass."

As Ruby got back with the cart.

"Can I see the cart?" He asked.

"No."

He pulled out a diamond sword. "Now?"

"No."

He began to attack her with it and killed her. "HE'S GOT THE CART." She yelled.

Jaune placed it and began to go back to the beginning with it, but Yang blocked him and he went towards the end. "WHOOHOO!" He bellowed.

"YOU FUCK!" Yang yelled. There was a loud noise, and the camera switched to the stage, where Yang had tackled Jaune, trying to rip the controller out of his hands.

"Still going." Ruby said.

Yang punched Jaune in the face. Hard. And he immediately sobered up. "FUCK!" He yelled, letting go of the controller.

Jaune stood, and now the others could see that his nose was bleeding. Ruby cringed and came over to him, making sure it wasn't broken, she grabbed a box of tissues and stuck a piece of tissue into the nostril that was bleeding. She took out her phone and took a picture before telling Jaune to sit back down.

She walked over to Yan and began to have a whispered conversation with her, but the mics still picked it up.

"The fuck was that?"

"You said he wasn't gonna get the achievement."

"That was a little over the top, don't you think?"

"Eh."

"If you do something like this again, you could get fired."

"What?"

"We do have rules here, and you've broken two; you destroyed that wall. That cost a lot to replace. That's destruction of company property. Violence towards other employees is also not okay."

"...Okay…"

"I don't want to be having this conversation, but since I'm in charge, I have to. And I know we've already had this conversation when you destroyed the wall."

"I get it…"

"Okay. Just making sure."

The two sat back down, Yang mixing angry with apologetic, but she didn't look like she was about to apologize.

Trying to change the tone, Ruby asked Ren. "How's Edgar doing?"

"He's doing fine. Hi, Edgar." His screen showed that Edgar was right where he left him.

Ruby walked in. "WHAT? I FREED EDGAR AND NOW HE'S BACK!" She yelled.

"I lured him back in while you were talking to Yang. He was roaming around way out there."

"How do you know it's Edgar?"

"Edgar's the one in the hole."

"But—"

"You don't get it; EDGAR is the one in the hole."

They all began to laugh, except for Ren, who kept repeating, "Edgar is the one in the hole."

"It's official." Pyrrha said. "Ren has lost his fucking mind."

Ren began to laugh hysterically, sounding high pitched and creepy.

12:03, $55,067

"We got 1,337." Ruby said. "Spin it."

Pyrrha got up and spun the wheel. "Bring one of the RvB guys on here." She told them.

Jaune got up and walked away, presumably to see if one of the RvB guys was available, only to turn back around and sit down as Burnie walked up, and sat down.

"I was watching the stream." He said.

"Oh." Ruby said. "So. I don't think everyone is familiar with you guys and what you do."

"Oh. I'm uh, Burnie Burns. I write for the show and I play Church."

"What's the deal with the show taking place in Combat Evolved?" Ruby asked.

"Um, uh. We're trying to show the evolution of the game."

"Oh. That's smart."

"I know."

They all laughed. "You're a smart ass." She said. "You fit in."

"Thank you."

The alarm began to go off. "Thank God." Burnie said, getting up and dashing off.

Ruby shrugged as Pyrrha spun the wheel. "QnA."

"Okay." Ruby said. "Hashtag RJ extra life, and tag whoever your question is for."

"Oh, fuck." Yang said. "I LEFT MY TWITTER NOTIFICATIONS ON!"

"Would you ever tell the story of how you got into Beacon early?" Ruby read out loud. "I was sitting in the back of a store, listening to music, and some dickhead pulls down my hood and jabs my back with a gun. He tries to tell me to put my hands up, so I'm just like are you robbing me? He confirms what's going on so I beat his ass. The end. Also beat his friends' asses. And his boss'."

"Would you ever date Ruby?" Weiss. "No. she's not my type."

"Did your bow fool anyone?" Blake. Yeah. Weiss, Ruby, Yang, Jaune, Ren, Nora, Pyrrha."

"Would you date Blake?" Yang. "Never thought about it."

"Would you ever date Pyrrha?" Jaune. "No.i have Ruby."

"You and Ren are together, right?" Nora. "No."

"Have you ever been interested in anyone who works with you?" Pyrrha. "Possibly."

"How can you be so fucking dense? Nora likes you." Ren. "I know."

A/N: I know this chapter is late…. And not done, but I'll try and put up every four hours of their stream, so, it'll probably ale longer to write… Also, just thought I'd mention, I'm moving the podcasts to Wednesday. Happy 50th chapter to you guys.


	42. RWBY's Community Channel

Hey, guys. I have an announcement; RWBY's Community Channel! What is it? Well, it's just like Community Hunter! Fan submitted chapters of RWBY's Let's Play Channel. You can pretty much do anything you want as long as it pertains to RWBY's Let's Play Channel. Podcasts, Let's Plays, Presented with Comment, Achievement Guides, Easter Eggs, Go! Anything! As long as there's no White Rose, you can submit it.

How do you submit a chapter? PM me your chapter… It's really that simple. Also, you might wanna credit yourself, or else I'll forget to do it…

Why would you ever want to do this? Well, if I like it, I'll put it on RWBY's Let's Play Channel as well as the Community one!


	43. RJWU 5- This Was Rushed

"Ra-woo!" Ruby said, trying not to sound tired.

"From Atlas," someone said, a camera being pointed at them as they stood in front of one of the communications towers. "This is RJWU number five!"

"I know this is a bit late." Ruby said. "But, we've been rushing to get everything done and released today. Might not make it. But it's all good."

"Video of the week this week is, Let's Play: Minecraft: On A Rail. It's just the footage from The Extra Life Stream." Jaune said, his hair now extremely short to where there was too much hair for a buzz cut, but too little for him to be able to do anything with it. "Achievement of the Week: On A Rail. Cause we're lazy."

"New T-Shirt." Yang said, her hair was the length of Ruby's, but she had put it into a ponytail. "Free Edgar 2015." She said. In the top right hand corner was a picture of said shirt.

"That's it for the weekly update." Ruby said.

A/N: story is they took a week and a half off after the stream.


	44. Go- Megaton

"With the release of Fallout 4, I thought we'd do something related to Fallout." Ruby said.

"What're we doing?" Blake asked.

"Well, you know how there's Megaton in Fallout 3?"

"Yeah." Jaune said.

"Nuke Megaton. GO!"

Everyone loaded up Fallout 3, and created a new character, not changing anything.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Yang yelled, skipping all of the dialogue, and trying to speedrun it.

"Fuck you all!" Jaune yelled.

Yang glanced over at his screen and saw he was about to press the button to do it.

"This is where I was when I stopped playing."

The town exploded. "Jaune wins!" Ruby said.

A/N: sorry these are so short, but you have to give me credit for the 9,000 word chapter I wrote recently...


	45. Let's Play: On A Rail- Part 3

"Let's just do the let's play." Ruby said.

The view of the stage switched to Ruby's screen with the stage now being in the lower right hand corner, just below the names of the people who had donated.

As they mined, mostly in silence, searching for the required gold, Ruby began the ritual. "Wom. Wom wom wom. Wom. Wom wom wom." (Eye of The Tiger) soon, Jaune joined in, and Ruby began to sing. "Risin' up! Back on the streets! Did my time, took my chances! Went the distance. Now I'm back on my feet! Just a man and his will to survive!"

The others joined in, Jaune still imitating the guitars, and Ren imitating the drums.

"So many times, it happens too fast! You trade your passion for glory. Don't lose your grip! On the dreams of the past! You must fight just to keep them alive!"

Then they did the chorus, horribly out of tune, and too high pitched. "It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight! Risin' up to the challenge of our rival! And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night! And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger!"

11:36AM, $50,369

"Shit." Ruby said. "We raised twenty grand in half an hour."

"Fuck me!" Jaune yelled.

"Later!" Ruby yelled back, making the others laugh. "You think I'm kidding?" She asked. "Someone's gotta do it."

"I thought it was about to happen when we went to break." Yang said.

"I know." Ruby said. "You kept yelling, 'Kiss kiss kiss! Fuck fuck fuck'!"

"You did." Pyrrha said.

"It wasn't gonna happen under those circumstances, anyway." Jaune said. "I don't think I'd be able to get it up when a camera's right there."

The others laughed.

Unbeknownst to the others, Ruby, crouched, approached Ren's house. Patrick noticed this and isolated her audio. "Patrick, you fuck." She whispered into the mic. "You're putting me on the spot."

She opened Ren's door, knowing that he was in the mine, creating rails. She looked down at Edgar and broke the glass, creating a staircase out, she began to push him out. "Go, you stupid fuck." She whispered. She pushed him through the door. "Go, Edgar. You're free. Go!" She began to giggle as she repaired the enclosure, and went about her business.

Ruby's audio was no longer isolated, and Jaune walked into Ren's house, planning the same. "The fuck?" He said outloud. Ruby looked at his screen and laughed.

She whispered what had happened into his ear, then turned to Yang and told her. Yang laughed. "You're devious." She said.

11:50, $51,684

"I think at 12:00 we'll end On A Rail, and move on." Ruby said.

"Look!" Jaune said. "I've created the Tower of Pimps!"

Ruby looked at the center of town, where Jaune had erected a tower five blocks tall, one block obsidian, and four gold.

Weiss walked up to the tower, and tore it down. "No." She said. "That's derogatory towards women."

"No wonder they call you the ice queen." He said.

"GOT THE ACHIEVEMENT!" Ruby screeched.

"Wha—" Blake asked.

"Tracks done."

Ruby picked up the cart and ran back. "Let's make sure Jaune doesn't get the achievement." Nora said. "He's been dicking around too much."

"My fault." Yang said. "I may have spiked his drink with TONS of liquor."

"I— You didn't drunk me." Jaune said, his speech slurring.

"I agree with Nora." Ruby said.

"Why?" Blake asked.

"I don't like drunk Jaune. He's an ass."

As Ruby got back with the cart.

"Can I see the cart?" He asked.

"No."

He pulled out a diamond sword. "Now?"

"No."

He began to attack her with it and killed her. "HE'S GOT THE CART." She yelled.

Jaune placed it and began to go back to the beginning with it, but Yang blocked him and he went towards the end. "WHOOHOO!" He bellowed.

"YOU FUCK!" Yang yelled. There was a loud noise, and the camera switched to the stage, where Yang had tackled Jaune, trying to rip the controller out of his hands.

"Still going." Ruby said.

Yang punched Jaune in the face. Hard. And he immediately sobered up. "FUCK!" He yelled, letting go of the controller.

Jaune stood, and now the others could see that his nose was bleeding. Ruby cringed and came over to him, making sure it wasn't broken, she grabbed a box of tissues and stuck a piece of tissue into the nostril that was bleeding. She took out her phone and took a picture before telling Jaune to sit back down.


	46. RJ Shorts: Food Fight

Ruby: Like glass stained forever red, it's the mind that won't let go. But how do you forget a face? Especially one like that. I... can't forget.

[A train drives past Ruby]

Ruby: That was louder than I was expecting, I'm out of here!

[Ruby walks into a store and picks up a Foodfight DVD]

Ruby: Oh my god, sir. This is amazing. How long have you had this?

Store Clerk: One million year.

Ruby: I'll take it!

[Ruby gets back to her dorm]

Ruby: What is this movie?

Charlie Sheen: I am on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen!

[Foodfight!]

Ruby: Oh no! No, I... I know what this is! I thought they canned this thing over a decade ago! Well, sit tight, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause we're about to have ourselves a food fight.

This ill-fated film was the brainchild of Larry Kasanoff. It came out in the year 2012 and it features an all-star cast including Charlie Sheen, Wayne Brady, Hilary Duff, Eva Longoria, and even Christopher Lloyd. There's only one catch here. The film was supposed to come out in 2003! In late 2002, all of the film's files were reportedly stolen. In what was quoted, "an act of industrial espionage". An entire movie - right down the drain. At this point, some people would give up. They'd say, "That's the breaking point. We tried, team. Good job. Round up next week."

But not Larry Kasanoff, he was not one to accept defeat willingly. The next 10 years of this film's production cycle are shrouded in mystery. But one thing is known, they spent all of it trying to bring this film back to life like some sort of proverbial Frankenstein's monster. Perhaps it was because it meant so much to them or perhaps it was because the believed in it with hearts and minds. Or maybe it had something to do with them sinking $65 million into it. Ladies and gentlemen of planet Earth, you can't make this shit up. I introduce you to Foodfight!, the worst animated film of all time.

This movie takes place in your average American supermarket, dubbed Marketropolis... Market. Oh, off to a good start already.

Mr. Leonard: Just closing up. Nothing much happens around here after dark.

Ruby: Now that is exactly what someone would say is something much DOES happen around here after dark. And much it does happen. After dark, the super market transforms into a... city? I'm pretty sure that's what happens, you got a better answer? The first shot of this movie is just an unbroken constant barrage of information. It's introducing all of these characters, but none of them do or say anything significant. What's this? Who's this? Why is this happening? Oh, he's gone. Was that our main character? I guess he doesn't wanna be here either.

Maybe the main character is this terrifying dancing elephant, or this king frog, or maybe it's his farts, or maybe... is that Mr. Clean? Did Mr. Clean just show up in my movie? Okay, let me get this straight. We are 2 minutes and 39 seconds into this movie, we haven't even seen the definitive main character yet, and Mr. Clean has already rolled up to the party and the SPENT THE JOKE ABOUT HIM GETTING DIRTY ALREADY! CH! GAH! WHY! C'mon...c'mon... Come on, come on, oh goddammit. How do I turn this shit off? How do I turn this shit off?

[She pulls the plug]

Rubh: Sweet release.

[The plug jumps back into its socket, and the movie continues]

Ruby: NO! So here we finally meet our main character, Dex Dogtective, voiced by Charlie Sheen.

Dex: Listen up, FatCat Burglar. I'm giving you one last chance to hand 'em over before I cash in your coupons for you.

Ruby: So good to hear that voice coming out of that dog.

FatCat: It is you, the great Dex Dogtective, who's about to take a fall!

Dex: If I had raisin every time I heard that one.

Ruby: Honeybee... flower. Mouse... cheese. Dog... Raisins? I don't see anything wrong with that. Dex is a crime fighter. Putting a roof on all the acts of skullduggery and mischief. Here we see him working to thwart a catnapping, heph heph heph.

Dex: It's just you and me, FatCat. Now fork over the little guys and no one gets hurt.

FatCat: I'm gonna kill you!

Ruby: Wow! We're just gonna go right there?

FatCat: Is that sooo wroooong...

Ruby: My god, how do I even approach this? The son of a bitch is falling out of the sky like a goddamn sarcophagus. Light as a feather, stiff as a board. And he sticks the landing!

[Ruby shows a scorecard with a 10 on it]

Ruby: That's the only 10 this movie's getting.

Dan: Ah, no worries! You can do it, as long as you got me to help you. Did I mention me?

Ruby: Here we meet Dex's best friend, Daredevil Dan. A chocolate squirrel whose main character traits are broken motion capture and making Wayne Brady seem like he's not an actor.

Dan: Relax, bro! We're talkin' about Sunshine Goodness. You could give her Cracker Jack ring and she'd still say yes!

Ruby: What'd they film this movie on? Microsoft Kinect?

Dan: ... of the food bank! This... this is...

[LITERAL ACTUAL NOISE FROM FILM.]

Ruby: (over-amplified) AM I DEAD YET? (back to normal) Eventually we're introduced to the fact that Dex is dating this faunas chick over here, voiced by Hilary Duff. And he's about to ask her to marry him. I just, I just wanna point out that this magical melon ball exists on the, uh, top layer of this reality at all times. Well, that's some good sweatshop CGI there. Oh, god, there's something so unsettling about her character. I feel like I have to try to avoid her line of sight to be comfortable. Although it doesn't seem like that's gonna be too hard.

So here's a little something I had to figure out myself about this movie. That it is essential to understanding the central concepts in this film. It is never directly referred to at all, not even once. You see, the characters all refer to themselves as "Ikes" because they're all in their own words, "icons" of a brand of grocery store product. Which I guess would explain Mr. Clean from earlier. I don't know, maybe it's a coincidence, who knows. Now, I'm gonna go by "Jack". I'm not gonna tell you why. Figure it out, dick. So, before Dex can pop the question, Sunshine bes a total bitch and walks off into the sunset even though it's completely obvious that he is about to pop the question.

Dan: Don't worry. I ain't like it's the last time you're ever gonna see Sunshine again.

Ruby: That's the last time we're seein' Sunshine, isn't it?

[Six Months Later]

Ruby: Ach!

Mr. Leonard: May I help you?

Mr. Clipboard: You must be Leonard...

Ruby: You know, I'd make a comment here but I'm genuinely worried he might actually have a disability. Alright? And then who looks like the bad guy? Well, I mean, okay this guy a little bit because there's still a bad guy in the movie but mostly me. Mostly Ruby.

Chip bag: No one wastes me chips and gets away with it. Brand X will pay. Arrrr!

Ruby: So wait, the chips can also see and talk when we're in the supermarket reality? When does the city reality become the supermarket reality? Is there a divide here? When does it trasition from the walkin' around to a bag of chips on the shelf? Is this like Toy Story rules or is this like, like The Fountain rules, where there's no rules? Oh, God help us; I think this is Fountain rules. It's been 6 months since Sunshine's disappearance and we find Dex moping in his office because he is an asshole and lost his girlfriend. Dan tries to cheer him up with some good old-fasioned practicality.

Dan: You got a club to run! And you can bet the Copabanana's gonna be...

Ruby: His mouth doesn't even sync up. They didn't even try there. What's he doing with his legs? Look at his legs! Why are they constantly moving around like that? It's like if F.D.R. came back to life and tried to show everyone what legs do.

Cheasel: Hehe, well of course I can provide you with a backstage pass to the Copabanana.

Dex: Let him go, Cheasel.

Cheasel: Dex, what a pleasant surprise.

Ruby: Oh, f***, c***, a**! Is that a poop rat, is that a f***** poop rat? ... Wha-what, what is it? Am I threatening you? You threatening me? Who's the threat here?

Cheasel: You despise me, don't you?

Ruby: Bad touch! Bad touch! Stranger danger! So, after a series of orwellian horrors, we arrive at the Copabanana, the talk of the town club that Dex runs. Oh, yeah, and tits on a bird, too, as well, also. Zwei, close your eyes. This is inappropriate.

Zwei: You monster, let me see those melons!

Ruby: Now, that is some dancing that'll get you laid, let me tell you about it.

California Raisins: Whoooooaaaaaaa, I bet you're wonderin' how I...

Ruby: Have I been eating too many raisins or is that, uh, the California Raisins? Is that Charlie the Sunkist tuna? Mrs. Buttersworth? Whoa, wait, Mr. Clean is back? This movie is just a giant product placement, isn't it?! Wait a second, even on the front cover, the main characters are taking a back seat to the... product placement. Oh, my god, this is despicable! Is the only reason they finished this movie is because they had the rights to all of these identifiable brand names? Was it for the payout?

Who would do somethin' like that? That's despicable. Now, if you excuse me, I have to blow off some steam with my Hot or Not app. Where you can rate your friends, match up, and even chat! PeanutButterGamer, is he hot or not? Yeah, that's hot. Jacques? Ah, whew, baby. That's hot. Dinosaur bones? Well, I don't know about that. They've been in the ground for a while. Not! Surely, no one actually believed in this heaping molten mess, did they?

Dwarves: We gotta move...

Ruby: It's not even really for kids. It's weirdly sexual and inappropriate in places it shouldn't even be.

Lady X: I'm looking for a guy about your height.

Sunshine: It warms my heart the way you love my raisins, tough guy.

[weird.]

Ruby: Even the Chiquita banana woman makes a passing comment about her boob milk.

Chiquita Lady: Do I look like the Dairy Queen to you?

Ruby: Well, that's just sick, lady. Don't bring that up here, there's kids in the audience. Hell, I'm an adult in the audience and I'm offended. Don't bring that trash here! Oo, mama! Look at this vixen here, voiced by Eva Longoria, whose dashing looks cause a stir in the club.

Dan: Foodfight!

Ruby: We got one! We got one, ladies and gentlemen!

Yang: I'm finally free. What year is it?

Ruby: Why, it's 2015. Who are you, though?

Yang: I've been trying to finish this movie for decades! You made it past the 20 minute mark? I can never get past the part where the squirrel shits out of his eyes!

Music: Mr. Clean! Mr. Clean!

Yang: Quick, hide! He'll be coming for us!

Mr. Clean: Ha ha ha!

Jaune: Oh, god! It's him, it's him! ... NO! That's what he does! He raises your level of cleanliness to impossible levels of upkeep! Banana split, let's blow this Popsicle stand! Kumquats, I don't know, whatever!

Ruby: Well, that just sorta happened to me. I mean, I didn't even participate in that.

Zwei: It was cool, though.

Ruby: I don't know. I don't know what's happening in the film at this point.

Viking/Lumberjack: Hooooooo...ahhhhh! Stop it, stop it! Not that hard, ow!

Ruby: What is going on? How am I supposed to react to any of this? So, as the story goes on - and by story going on, I mean becoming a fever dream - a line of evil products called Brand X are setting up shop in Marketropolis Market in an attempt to push out all of the other Ikes from the supermarket. Bad things start to happen around town, including the deaths of some of the company mascots themselves. Realizing his town needs help, Dex finally snaps out of his depression and decides to look into things further.

Dex: I still got it. ... Oof!

[Foodfight!

Producer - Lawrence Kassanoff

Dex Dogtective - Charlie Sheen

Sunshine Goodness - Hillary Duff]

Lady X: Being filthy can be loads of fun. Don't you think so, Dex?

Dex: There are some stains you can never wash out.

Ruby: For god sake, work on your aim.

Dex: I wanna know how you rubbed out all those Ikes last night.

Ruby: I wanna know how you managed to raise $65 million with this script. What a surprise we find out Eva's character has been running with the Brand X boys all this time. And all she wants is Dex to join her in her evil plot for supermarket domination. Also, she's a nazi... and a Star Wars.

Dan: What the f***?

Dex: They're building an entire army of robotic Exobites.

Ruby: What the hell is an Exobite? The lore is rich in this world, lemme tell ya! They expect you to know the source material going in, alright? Study up! It's a matter of respect. So now it seems like they crossed over their supermarket world into the real world? I guess they could match this at will. Like I said it's Fear and Loathing rules, there's no rules! Come on! What is it today? Black Friday? Oh...Oh, god, OH GOD! Real world's horrible! Go back to the supermarket world!

Brand X Lunch Lady: Miss me?

Ruby: I've made a huge mistake, supermarket world is just as bad! So, we're like halfway through this movie, I don't even understand how there's another half, by the way, and the confused writers are still throwing new characters at us out of the blue. Such as this bat pervert who has the hots for chocolate people.

Vlad: Is that the enticing scent of rich, creamy, chocolate? Are you chocolate, are you made of chocolate? Really?

[BAD TOUCH]

Ruby: So we're gonna fast-forward a bit here. There are plenty of twists and turns, let me tell ya, but we eventually end up at the climactic showdown between the Brand X guys and the Ikes. And what it ends up being is a 35 MINUTE LONG, ACTUAL SERIOUSLY, 35 MINUTE LONG sequence of a grand scale war between Brand X and the Ikes. Nay, not a war... a...

Dex: Food...FIGHT!

Ruby: Oh, we're doin' this again? Ech, aba-bag of confetti saved up? Oohoohoohoohoohoo! Literally, this goes on, and on, and on, and on! It's just the same shot over, and over, and over, of people falling over, and over, and over!

Lady X: But enough about me, let's kill you!

Maximillus: He won't hit her. Not now, not never.

Sunshine: But I will!

Ruby: You guys should have called this movie catfight, heh heh! Because she's a cat, ngngng!

Dan: Oh, look at you!

Ruby: Oh, I see: so the hot girl was actually ugly all along! Not just inside, but outside, too! Well, that's a relief because now there's absolutely no hang-ups about hating her. Let's celebrate! Yeah! Ugly people never win; that's the moral of the story, guys!

I guess some things you just never forget. Some scars never heal. I don't even like you, why'd I take the time to put you in a goddamn locket? This is bullshit, I'm gettin' outta here.

[Ruby drops the locket with Dex in it into the river]

[CHARLIE SHEEN - GOLDEN GLOBE FOR BEST TV ACTOR 2002

EVA LONGORIA - SAG AWARD FOR BEST ENSEMBLE IN COMEDY SERIES 2005 and 2006

HARVEY FIERSTEIN (Played FatCat) - 2 TONY AWARDS

WAYNE BRADY - 1 PRIMETIME EMMY 2 DAYTIME EMMYS

HOW DID THIS MOVIE HAPPEN?]


	47. RJWU: Yang's Termination

"Okay." Ruby said, standing in front of the camera. "We're gonna skip the bubbly and happy shit… We've lost two million subs since what happened at the one-on-one tournament…." She sighed. "Anyway, if you guys are unsubscribing because of Yang… We had no choice but to terminate her. If ever she is hired back, it will be until people forget about this. It's not good for the company. She was a liability. And I'm having to read off of some fucking note cards, cause this is what we were told would be a good idea to tell you." She paused, flipping through the notecards. "If you don't know what happened, Yang broke a fellow competitor's leg. Kneecapped him. And, even though we're terminating Yang, we're still going to go on a little hiatus. I'm sure you can stay updated by watching some major news network. But we will not be covering the incident. Before we go, I'd like to say that Yang claims she didn't do it. And not to try to take sides, but we have made enemies with someone who can create realistic looking illusions. There is also information in which we are not allowed to release to the public at this time. But it is a major factor in Yang's case." She nodded. "That is all."


	48. Immersion: Metal Gear Solid

"This was filmed before Yang was terminated," Ruby said, standing in front of the camera, wearing a labcoat with their logo on it. "But we didn't want to waste this awesome video, and since she's okay with us releasing it, here you go!"

"Some games are okay with you going in guns blazing," Weiss said, a clip from Metal Gear Solid playing behind her. "But, some games like Metal Gear Solid require tactical skill known as stealth, having you go around a military base in a cardboard box to avoid detection. That wouldn't really work, would it?"

Weiss now stood beside Jaune and Neptune, who were wearing the normal lab rat jumpsuits with padding on top of them, and masks over their faces. "With us today," Weiss said. "We have a brand new lab rat alongside Jaune; Neptune. You guys know what you're doing today?" She asked.

"Box stacking?" Jaune asked, laughing.

"No. Let this cardboard box explain." Weiss pointed to a box next to her, and Ruby popped out. "Sup fu—" she would have said something funny, but ate shit. "I'm okay!" She said, popping back into frame.

"Today, you will be trying to get a dossier for a certain cast member, and making it to the exit on the other side of the warehouse." Ruby told them.

"Around the room are four guards." Weiss said, "You know them as; Blake, Yang, Pyrrha, and Nora."

"We're gonna fucking die." Jaune deadpanned.

"I haven't even told you what they're armed with!" Ruby said, pulling out a paint gun, accidentally letting it go off. It shot a few boxes, and Jaune yelled, "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!"

"Oops." Ruby said.

"Anyway," Weiss said. "You will each have two shot rounds that will eliminate the guards, but if another guard finds them, they will set off an alarm. Let's go."

"LLLLLET'S PLAY!" Ruby yelled, doing a backflip.

"That was impressive." Neptune said.

The two boys walked off, and Weiss turned to Ruby, "I thought you; of all people would be able to handle a gun." She said.

"The trigger is a lot looser than a sniper rifle." Ruby shot back. (I don't know this for sure, so I'm going to say that Ruby is lying to Weiss)

"First up," Weiss said, "We have Neptune."

Neptune strolled in, hidden under a box.

"This is Black doing a guard check." Blake said into the comms, which was being played over a loudspeaker.

"Doing Goddamn guard checks?" Neptune whispered.

"Yellow checking in."

"Champ checking in."

"Hulk checking in."

"Ha!" Neptune whispered. "I get the reference." Once he got over the funny little reference that you should definitely get if you're this far in, he moved on. "Okay," he said to himself, "Gotta get Blake." He pushed his gun up to the eye holes of his box and shot Blake.

The cat faunas cursed under her breath and fell to the ground, cursing more. Neptune tries to move on, but say a certain red head in the corner of his eye.

"Huh?" Neptune heard Pyrrha say as she approached the box. "We know you're in there!" She yelled. "Come out."

Yang showed up beside the red head, and pointed her paintball gun at the box. "Must be my imagination." Pyrrha said.

"That was close." Neptune whispered, only to hear Pyrrha yell, "GUARD DOWN! Go on max alert!"

Neptune then tried to get out of their line of sight, but was immediately spotted, and shot by the paintball guns. "Ow! Ow!" He screeched as each ball hit him.

"Okay." Weiss said, "Now we have Jaune."

Jaune strolled in, looking right at the camera inside of the box. "I'm really nervous." He said. "And when I get nervous, I get hungry. Good thing I have this!" He pulled up a stick of beef jerky. "Combat Jerky." He unwrapped it and stuck it in his mouth, holding it there, not eating it.

"Going for Blake." Jaune said, as he heard Blake calling for a guard check. He did the same as Neptune and shot Blake. "Y'know what?" He asked, looking at the camera. "Fuck it." He threw his box off and ran, shooting Yang as he saw her. He ran to the truck and grabbed the dossier, running behind it, as he saw Pyrrha coming.

Pyrrha turned the corner and saw Jaune, who put his hands up. "Can we just talk about this?" He asked. Her response was shooting him with a paintball gun. "Guess not." He said to himself.

"Now, this is Neptune's second try." Weiss said, off screen, as Neptune walked in the warehouse, putting the box over his head, and crouching down.

"This is so fucking scary." Neptune said, "That shit hurt."

"This is Yellow doing a guard check." Yang said. "Come here, you yellow bitch." Neptune said, shooting Yang, who went down. Blake immediately found the body, and they went on max alert.

Neptune began to move, failing to see that Pyrrha was behind him, and got shot several times.

"Now Jaune," Weiss said, letting Jaune go.

As he made his way around the warehouse, Jaune ranted to himself. "Well, Doctor. My knees hurt. Why? Oh, nothing out of the ordinary really. Just squatting in a cardboard box. No wonder Snake has a great ass."

He lifted the box and shot Yang, putting it back down, he made his way over to the truck, grabbing the dossier, and hiding as Pyrrha helped Yang backup and the two investigated the box. "What's in the box?" Pyrrha yelled, monotone.

"WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!" Yang yelled, referencing Brad Pitt.

"What's in the box?!" Pyrrha said, sounding sad, and also referencing Brad Pitt.

They both walked away, and Jaune began to make his way to the exit, only to see a bunch of dogs acting as an alarm. "Shit." He said, as he heard Nora and Pyrrha going, "Huh?"

They both approached him. "We know you're in there!" Nora said.

"Promise not to shoot you in the dick!" Pyrrha said.

"This is not the box you're looking for." Jaune said.

"You're right." Nora said, walking away.

"Jedi mind trick mother fuckers!" Jaune yelled as they walked away.

Once they were both out of sight, Jaune said, "Fuck this!" He stood and ran, getting shot at as he made it through the door. "Fuck you!" He yelled, throwing his hands in the air.

"Look at their fucking legs." Weiss said, pointing to Jaune and Neptune's legs, which were covered in paint. Ruby and Weiss laughed. "So," Ruby said. "We're kinda pissed that we didn't get to shoot anyone, so…" Yang tossed Ruby a gun, and Blake for Weiss.

"We'll give you to the count of three." Weiss said, making sure her weapon was loaded. "One…" Jaune and Neptune both began to sprint away. "Two!Three!" Ruby said, firing her weapon at the two.


	49. A Million Dollars, But

Ruby was sitting at a three person table, in between a large blonde man, and a scruffy looking man with dark hair. "What is this?" The blonde man asked.

"This is; Million Dollars, But…" Ruby said. "You have to come up with hypothetical questions based around getting a million dollars. But first—"

"Let me take a selfie?" The blonde man asked. Ruby slammed her head on the table, laughing.

Once she calmed down, she pointed to the man. "This is Dad. He is guest starring. And this is Uncle Qrow." She pointed to the other guy, who had been mostly silent.

"I'm sure some of my students will see this." Taiyang said. "This'll be fucking weird."

"Would you like to go first, Dad?" Ruby asked.

"Sure. You get a million dollars…"

"That's a lot of lien." Ruby said.

"But!" He continued, "There's a chance that when you touch an object, it sticks to you. Permanently. It could be anything!"

"Anything?" Qrow asked. "Even a person?"

"No. Not a person. But maybe their clothes. You don't know."

As Taiyang said this, the screen showed Ruby hugging her father, only for her cloak to get stuck to him. "Even my cloak?" Ruby asked.

"Anything!" Taiyang said. "You could be trying on silly glasses as a joke and now they're stuck forever." The screen showed Qrow putting on the Groucho glasses and they stick, meaning that he's unable to take them off.

Qrow laughed. "I would have to interrogate a guy with like, one of those mustache glasses." He said. The screen showed Qrow leaning across a table to Jaune, who looks extremely worried. Qrow mouths something Taiyang said on set, "Tell me where the money is!" They all laughed. "Or like, Ruby goes on a date, and you're chewing the fucker out with the spring glasses. The screen cuts to Taiyang standing in the doorway, looking at Jaune, who's dressed nicely. Taiyang is just wearing a pair of glasses with springs coming off of where the lens would be. He mouths Qrow's sentence, "Have her home by ten! Got it? Any later and I'm coming for you!" Jaune begins to snicker on screen. "What're you laughing at?!"

"Nothing!" Taiyang said, Jaune mouthing his words.

"Nothing, what?"

"Nothing, sir!"

"Don't fucking forget it!"

It cut back to the three at the table, laughing.

"I'd do it." Ruby said.

"Same." The two men said simultaneously.

"What've you got, Rubes?" Taiyang asked.

"You get a million dollars." She began.

"That's a lot of money."

"Yep," She said. "But, your arms are replaced with the felt, puppet arms. And they're always moving."

"Imagine if you got into a street fight." Qrow said.

Taiyang is on screen, waving his puppet arms, ready to fight. "Step?" Ruby said, being her father's voice. There's a big dude standing in front of him. "And," Ruby said. "If you hit someone, it has the same force as your normal arm." Puppet Taiyang punches a dude with his small arms, immediately knocking him the fuck out.

"Imagine how pissed your co-workers would be." Qrow told Ruby. "You're like typing at your computer, just smashing away with the biggest fucking smile on your face, because you're actually typing something."

Ruby's puppet arms smack at a keyboard in the background. Weiss is in the foreground, annoyed by this. "On a good day," Ruby said. "You type a three correct words. Would you do it?"

"Absolutely." Taiyang said.

"Definitely." Qrow said, "I could just imagine lifting my scythe with the little puppet arms, and just like, looking so overworked by it, but it's no big deal."

"I would not do it." Ruby said. "I have to type a lot of emails, and it would just conflict with my lifestyle."

"You get a million dollars." Qrow began.

"That's a lot of money," the father-daughter duo said.

"It is." He said, "You get a million dollars, but… Every birthday, you have to go back in time to the exact… Interaction between your parents that conceived you."

"Define interaction." Taiyang said, straightening up. Instead of answering with words, Qrow pushed his index finger through a hole created by his opposite hands. Ruby's head hit the table with a thud, and she called out, "I dun wanna!" Qrow and Taiyang laughed, Taiyang's being a little more nervous.

Ruby sat up, waving her arms around. "I'm visualizing! I'm visualizing!" She shouted, covering her eyes. "Nope! I really don't wanna see that!"

"You'd get used to it after a while," Qrow said.

Ruby is now sitting in a room where the shadows of two people banging can be seen. She looks rather bored, and Qrow is speaking for her. "And then he flips her over there. Under there."

Taiyang laughed. "She'd be scared if she saw herself being conceived!" He said. "And she would never get used to it. Some weird shit was going down that night."

Ruby is now sitting in a dark, stone room, the light is dim, and a bright shadow of someone being whipped is being cast on the wall behind her. Cries of pain can be heard and Ruby is horrified to see what she's seeing. "Bondage? Why?!" Ruby said, trying to contain her embarrassed laughter.

"Would you do it?" Qrow asked. Ruby. Without hesitation said, "Hell no. Hell no. Hell no. Hell no."

Taiyang shrugged. "I guess."

"That's fucked up." Ruby remarked, he shrugged again, "It may be fucked up, but which one of us would have a million dollars?"

Ruby narrowed her eyes at him. "And how much of that money would be going towards a therapist?"

Taiyang laughed again, and was now sitting on one of those therapist chairs, "Doc, I swear. Every year on my birthday, I keep seeing my parents fucking." He says.

Ruby is the therapist. "Let's try to explore why." She says.

"I wouldn't do it." Qrow said.

Ruby looked at the camera, "That was the first episode of 'A Million Dollars But..'. Be sure to subscribe for more."


	50. RJ Podcast 4 - Peanut Butter & Astronomy

Ruby: We're gonna have to do pure audio, and this going to be pure hell to upload.

Ren: I'll handle that.

Ruby: Thanks, Ren.

Ren: No problem.

Nora: [Nearly shouting, making the mic crackle] Audio Podcast number four!

Jaune & Ruby: Goddammit, Nora!

Nora: What?

Ren: Too loud.

Nora: Oh, sorry.

Ruby: I guess Nora did a bit of the intro. With Ruby.

Ren: Ren.

Jaune: Arc.

Nora: It's Fucking Thora!

Ruby: We're reporting in the past from the road. Not gonna say where we're going, but I will say that we all— most of us made it out of Vale.

[They all fall silent for a moment]

Ruby: But we won't let that hinder our progress on making people smile.

Jaune:[Weakly] Yeah!

[The mic sounds like it brushes against something, crackling.]

Ruby:[Realizing her mistake] Oops! Sorry listeners!

Ren: This is the most awkward set-up for a podcast we've ever done.

Ruby: Care to explain to the v—listeners what the set-up is?

Ren: We're all wearing twenty feet, wired microphones running to my scroll.

Jaune: Why did you just have these?

Ren: I didn't. I grabbed them before we left Vale. I also grabbed Ruby's laptop, a few Gaimz cases, and the server. The website will not fall. Even though the CCT is down.

Ruby: When did you grab my laptop?

Ren: it's been in your bag the whole time. There are a few videos I remember seeing you edit.

Nora: Ruby's always been the slowest editor.

Ruby: Hey!

Nora: But only because you're so busy!

Ruby: Oh, okay.

Jaune: Her laptop also has some important Word documents on it.

Ruby: Huh? Oh. That.

Jaune: But we're not gonna talk about that, Nora.

Nora: Oh, dodged a bullet there! I almost said [bleep]

[Ruby & Jaune groan]

Ren: Don't worry, I'll censor it in post. We're not streaming or anything.

Ruby: Good. I was about to fucking kill her. It has not been a good two months for me.

Jaune: For the listener's context on why we're just now explaining what happened two months after The Battle of Beacon, Ruby was… Er. Out for a while.

Ren: She was comatose.

Ruby: For reasons that I shouldn't mention because it came from a chain of events that would just sound like me being angsty.

Nora:[Gloomily] Yeah… Bad times.

Ruby: Sorry if this comes out on the wrong day, BTW, we have no idea what day of the week it is.

Jaune: Did you just say "BTW"

Ruby: Yes. Yes I did.

Jaune: Nerd.

Ruby: Ah! Don't do that!

Ren: Jaune ruffled Ruby's hair.

[A loud smacking is heard]

Jaune: Ow! You're turning into Yang, y'know that?

[Another]

Jaune: Fine, okay! I'm gonna shut the fuck up now!

[Moment of silence]

Ren: I'm so tired.

Nora: You're always tired.

Ruby: Have you ever tried energy drinks?

Ren: Yes. In fact, at Signal, I used to buy two energy drinks every morning before school, and drink one before, and one at lunch.

Jaune: Jesus Christ, Ren.

Ren: I know, it's horrible. But one day, I walked in, and the guys in there knew me, so he's like, "Hey, I got something for you to try."

Ruby: Just like a drug dealer

Nora: Drink pusher.

Ren: [laughs] Yeah, but he gave me these Snickers bars called like Snickers Charged, and they have the same stuff as RedBull in them, you know, the stuff that give people heart attacks—

Jaune: Taurine.

Ren: Yeah, they had Taurine in them, so after I ate them at lunch, my heart was like; [hits chest with hand in rapid fashion.]

Ruby: Oh God.

Ren: Yeah. And I just got up and left. I had to walk around the halls as fast as I could to try and burn off the energy.

Jaune: "Ren, where you going?"

Ruby:[Yelling] "I'm not me when I'm hungry!"

[All laugh]

Nora: He's not him when he's full, dumbass. He's already eaten the snickers.

Ruby: Try me, bitch.

[Ren and Jaune nervously laugh]

Nora: Step?

Ruby: I'm just kidding, chill.

Jaune: You're scared of Nora, aren't you?

Ruby: The girl has no boundaries when it comes to violence. Of course I'm scared.

[Others laugh]

Jaune: I understand.

Ren: You're not the ones who have to stop her violent tirades. Be thankful for that.

Ruby: I am. I'm very fucking thankful. Speaking of Nora, has she really been on the podcast before?

Ren: I don't think either of us have.

Ruby: Hm.

Jaune: Changing the subject real quick. Anyone else pissed off by astrology?

Ruby: Not this again.

Ren: How does astrology piss you off?

Jaune: So, there are planets millions of light years away, and we know so much about them. Like there's a planet that rains glass sideways, and we know that, but we look at a planet in our solar system and we're like, "It might have ice." What is that bullshit?

Ren: There's no way for us to get into space, so I can understand not knowing too much about planets in our solar system. We only really see them every once and awhile, so it would be hard to see details with a telescope.

Jaune: No! I know what it is! Someone took a fucking creative writing class. Because who's gonna prove them wrong? Who has the authority to tell them, "That's bullshit!" And if in a couple years they say, "We were wrong." People will be like, "it's light years away, it's all cool." It's bullshit!

Nora: They're gonna come and take you away for this. You know too much.

Jaune: I'm gonna make a little comparison here. It's like telling Ruby I loved her and in a couple years be like, "I was wrong," she's not gonna be like, "It's all cool!" No! She'd be pissed!

Ruby: I would, though.

Jaune: I know you would. You'd get violent!

Ruby: I already am pretty violent towards you.

Jaune: She'll just come up to me sometimes and go—

Ruby: [excited squeal followed by a series of light smacks]

Jaune: She's hitting my— STOP!— She's hitting my arm.

Ruby: [giggles]

Jaune: You know when she doesn't do that?

Ren: Hm?

Jaune: When a can-opener goes missing.

Ruby: SHUT UP!

Jaune: Guess I'm not allowed to tell that story…

Ruby: [Sighs] Go ahead…

Jaune: We had a can-opener go missing in the office.

Ruby: And a big jar of peanut butter!

Jaune: We ate it!

Ruby: I think someone would remember eating all that peanut butter!

Jaune: There are like twenty people in the office! No one person ate it!

Ruby: Someone did! But they don't work for us! It's a fucking ghost!

Jaune: On a side-note, Ruby and I pretty much live in the office on the weekends. And when I say pretty much, I mean we don't really leave. And one day, I fell asleep at my desk while she was playing whatever the fuck at her's.

Ruby: Banjo and Kazooie

Jaune: But she just woke me up, and said three words, but they weren't the three words you wanna hear your girlfriend say! She said, "Call the police," I woke right the fuck up. "Why? Did someone attack you?" And she shakes her head. "I think there's someone else here with us." I asked her y'know, "Why didn't you call the police first?" And she goes, "Because I didn't wanna look stupid if it was nothing." IF YOU'RE GONNA LOOK STUPID DOING IT, I'LL LOOK JUST AS BAD!

Ruby: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THE STUFF I'M TOO SCARED TO DO!

Jaune: FUUUCK YOOOOU!

Ruby: YOU WISH!

Jaune: ACTUALLY YES!

Ruby: CONTINUE!

Jaune: She eventually used logic and reason to get me to call the police…

Nora: He means she used puppy dog eyes.

Jaune: Pretty much. And when the cops got there, there were two of them; a young guy, and a Scully looking motherfucker.

Ruby: [giggles, getting the reference]

Jaune: And the young guy obviously knew who we were, but only once we opened the door. He's like, "Uh, Uh, uh… You're… You're Jaune Arc." At this point, Ruby was hiding in the dark behind me. I think the old guy saw her, because when he walked in, she stood straight up, and he didn't jump. The young guy nearly shit himself. But probably only because he might have idolized us.

Ruby: That part made me feel safe… He would have taken a bullet for us. "YOU'RE NOT TAKING PLAY PALS FROM ME!" Of course that's a show we haven't released yet, but it seems like the something the fans are excited about.

Jaune: But Ruby thought that our mystery invader was in the attic, but before I get to that, I have to tell you how she embarrassed me.

Ren: Do tell.

Jaune: The old guy was asking me questions, and I'm trying to play it cool, y'know? I'm just like, "She noticed a few things were going missing and—" and Ruby interrupts me, "AND THE PEANUT BUTTER!" And the old guy looks at me, and Ruby doesn't know this, but he whispered into my ear, "Get out while you still can. They don't get any less crazy." And then he showed me his wedding ring.

Others: [Laugh]

Ruby: [Presumably blushing]

Jaune: So the young guy goes up into the attic, because, as I said, Ruby thought there was someone in the attic. And he goes, "There's a bed up here!"

Nora: What?!

Jaune: Wait a minute. He wasn't talking about an actual bed, but actually a fucking bed frame! THERE WAS NOTHING THERE! HE FUCKING DUPED US!

Ruby: Well! Looks like we're out of time for this week. We might have video next week. Sponsors; be sure to check the website to see if we're streaming it! Seeya!


	51. RJWU 7 - Week of May 2nd

Ruby held a camera not too far from her face, framing her stomach up to the top of her head.. She was not wearing her usual hoodie and jeans, but instead was wearing a black and red skirt and a red hood. What she was wearing could not be clearly seen because of the framing. Ruby smiled brightly at the camera despite looking exhausted. She was walking down a snowy, gravel road. "So, the podcast just went up, and a lot of you guys have been asking like, 'Are you guys okay?' And asking if certain people made it out of Beacon. I'm not gonna name names, but one person has died. One person is missing, and only one person is injured." As she said this, her smile faded, but she didn't look depressed, but rather like she was having a serious conversation with the audience. "But me, Jaune, Ren and Nora are fine!" Her smiled returned and Jaune appeared behind her, making an evil grin and pointing his head downwards, his eyes still looking at the camera. Ruby obviously knew he was there, and was just looking at the camera, trying not to laugh. She suddenly squeaked and the video cut. When the video cut back, she, Jaune, and Nora were all staring into the camera, deadpan. "Anyone remember Team RAY Action News?" Ruby asked, grinning. "Team RAN Action News, anyone?"

The video cut again, and now, Ruby and Nora were running backwards in front of a camera. They were passing through a small town, and many people were giving them odd looks. Ruby suddenly sprinted up to a random man, and gently placed the microphone in front of his face. "You know the news?" She asked.

"Local or world?" He asked.

"Personal." She told him, never laughing or grinning at the hilarious question. This made the man laugh. "I just had my first kid earlier this week." He said.

"Congrats." Nora said as the two ran away.

The video cut once again, and when it returned, there was a group of teen faunas running alongside them. The faunas were all wearing various RWBYJNPR T-shirts. Ruby was running backwards, while the others were running, forwards. Ruby pushed the microphone at them, and they all started singing rock music, "Welcome to a new kind of tension. All across the alienation. Where everything isn't meant to be okay. Television dreams of tomorrow. We're not the ones who're meant to follow. For that's enough to argue." Halfway through, Ruby caught onto what they were singing and began singing along, head banging as she did so.

The video cut again, but this time, Ren was standing in front of the camera. "That's it for the Weekly Update." He said.

The final time the video cut, it cut to a group of people standing beside Blake and Weiss in Vale. "From the Vytal Festival, This is RJWU number seven!" The people shouted. The video had obviously been filmed a few months prior. But was used nonetheless.


	52. RJ Life - Thinking Inside The Box

The video began with a shot of Blake sitting in a cardboard box with just her head sticking from the pool of packing peanuts. A huge grin was plastered over her face.

"Hi, Blake!" Ruby said from the left of the camera.

"Someone delivered a Blake!" Yang exclaimed, her legs visible in the bottom of the shot.

Nora began to shovel the peanuts onto Blake's face, but it cut to Jaune running in and kicking the box, falling onto his chest. Peanuts fly everywhere, and Ruby's laughter can be heard from the room Jaune ran from. The video cut again to Yang tossing Zwei in with Blake, who shouts, "Protect me, peanuts!"

The video cuts once more and Zwei is no longer with her, and Pyrrha and Ren are dragging the box away.

"Can I see my laptop?" Blake asked. "So I can work?"

Weiss carefully placed the laptop on the lip of the box and Blake began to work away. The camera flipped to Sun, who said, "We're all about productivity here."


	53. Update!

Guys, just wanna let you know, I've been working on the next chapter, and it's seven pages long! With 3319 words. So far. So don't you guys worry about the next chapter; it'll be great!


	54. Let's Play - GTA V - Action News Teams 1

**A/N: Just to let you guys know, I'm in the process of making the fic in a way where I don't have to worry about what happens in canon, so everyone's alive again, and just forget any mention of the dead! You guys deserve something that's not depressing.**

The Intro began to play, but Ruby's voice tore through it, "Alright!" she said. "Seriously, no kiddin' around. I don't want anybody- I don't want anybody to FUCK around this time!"

"Well," Weiss said. It was now clear that their GTA characters were standing on two different vans, one white, one grey, but both read Weazel News. Ren and Blake were jumping around, and Ruby was driving the grey van, while Pyrrha was driving the white. "It was mainly you last time."

"No." Ruby said, seemingly angry. "It wasn't just me last time, Ren fucked around, Jaune fucked around."

At the same time, Ren and Pyrrha spoke. Ren said, "I had a replacement for what I did," and Pyrrha said, "Well, Jaune did blow up the van."

"Jen started the explosion." Ruby claimed, while Ren continued to ramble.

"I was hiding behind a wall," Nora claimed.

"The fuck is Jen?" Yang asked.

"Jen is- is- is, Jaune and Ren together." Ruby said.

As if on cue, Jaune parachuted down and crashed into Ruby's van, dying instantly and making a noise that sounded like he shit himself and got kicked in the ass.

"Oh, hey." Pyrrha said, "Jaune's here, now he's dead."

"Well!" Blake said, shaking her head, in game.

"You ran over his dead body," Pyrrha told Ruby.

"Ohahaha!" Yang laughed. "His bloody head was just poking out from under the car!"

"Aw," Weiss said, "A nice splatter on the front of Team RWBY's news van… By the way! You may have noticed; We're standing on top of a couple news vans!"

"Yeah we are!" Ruby said, way too sexually.

"That is true." Jaune politely said.

"What are we doing that for?" Yang asked.

"I made shit happen!" Ruby told her sister.

It suddenly cut to Nora's perspective as she stood in front of both news vans with a pink rocket launcher and a pink everything on. "How annoyed would you guys be, if I hit right trigger right now?" She asked. There was silence for a second, and Jaune said, "Medium."

"Anywho!" Weiss said, "Uh, medium."

"It wouldn't matter that much, Yang said. "Cause we could just call new one's but…"

It cut to Ruby's perspective where Jaune and Yang were standing on top of Ruby's van. Jaune was wearing a nice, black dress shirt with dark jeans and a nice pair of converse, and Yang was wearing a hawaiian shirt and white short shorts. At this point, the writer realized that he forgot to describe the eight. Ren was wearing a black and blue leather jacket with a black skull mask, Pyrrha was just wearing a yellow hoodie atop a red shirt with red shorts, Ruby was wearing a black dress shirt underneath one of the brown overcoats that came out with Finance and Felony, with a pair of fitting jeans. Weiss was wearing a nice white suit, and Blake was wearing a black leather jacket, a cat shirt, and a pair of jeans. Their outfits will become more personalized as this fic continues.

"It'd be annoying," Ruby said.

"It would be annoying," Nora said, as Ren climbed on top of JNPR's van.

"Which one's RWBY's van?" Jaune asked, but Ruby cut him off, loudly saying, "Alright!'

"Our's is the white one." Pyrrha told her partner.

"Weiss," Ruby said, atop Pyrrha's voice, "Go with the explanation!"

Jaune began to fight Yang on top of RWBy's van, Yang just going, "Hey!" As Weiss tried to explain what was going on.

"So, uh," Weiss said, "we're gonna have our two competing news teams," The others began to speak all together, and her audio was raised to go over theirs, "We're gonna record some GTA news!"

"GTA News!" Blake excitedly said. Nora was now in the passenger seat of JNPR's van, Ren was in the back, and Jaune was stood in front. Yang and Blake were on top of RWBY's and Weiss stood in front of theirs.

"What's the first one?" Ruby asked.

"We've got a list of things," Weiss said, "that we're gonna accomplish."

"I'll be the cameraman!" Jaune said, running to get in the van, as Weiss stepped on the hood of RWBY's.

"Each team will, uh- Yeah you can pick a cameraman." Weiss said, leaping to the other van. "Doesn't matter. Nobody has to be the specific camera person every time." Weiss slid off of JNPR's van and walked around the back of RWBY's. A notification appeared as it switched to Pyrrha's perspective, reading, "WeissSchnee survived the Bounty placed on them."

"I've got a list," Weiss proudly said, stepping into the van. "I've got a list of things from the news desk. The first team that completes each round, gets a point!"

Yang hopped into the passenger seat, next to her sister on Jaune's perspective, as he used the camera to zoom in on Ruby's face.

"So, it's first to four, right?" Ruby asked, "Who ever gets to seven? Best of seven?"

"Sure!" Weiss said, as Jaune panned to a man walking with coffee, "Coffee!" He proclaimed, "I win!"

"We got seven ideas." Weiss said.

"Alright!" Ruby said, raising her voice.

"After that, who knows." Weiss said.

"Seven brides for seven ideas." Ruby said.

"First one!" Yang said, her perspective being of her camera pointed at JNPR's van, "Picture of the other news van, go!"

"No!" Weiss said.

"Done!" Blake said.

"The moon!" Jaune shouted, pointing his camera at the moon."

"Thank God Yang did not help Weiss come up with the ideas!" Nora said.

"First!" Weiss said..

"So we're good."

"The first idea is an inverted picture of a dump carrying the planet Earth!" (GTA Takes place on a fictional planet to them)

"Go!"

Pyrrha snickered.

"Inverted-" Yang began, interrupted by Ruby, "Carrying the planet Earth?"

"A dump upside down!' Pyrrha told everyone as the vans pulled away.

"Alright." Ren said,

"Aw!" Jaune said, it being on Weiss' perspective as she browsed the internet on her phone. "An upside-dump!"

"Alright Weiss, how do I do that?" Ruby asked.

"I'm gonna call in a dump, and-" There was a confusing amount of talking, impossible for anyone to pick up on what was being said, other than Ruby going, "Oh, and hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey!"

Weiss joined in and Yang just began making weird noises as it switched to Jaune's perspective of the two vans.

"Pause real fast," Ruby said as Jaune jumped out the back of the not moving van.

"No sabotaging the other news team!" As she said this, jaune ran up the RWBY's van.

"On purpose!" Pyrrha said, just as Jaune kicked the back of RWBY's van.

"Okay," Nora said, a little annoyed. "Jaune just busted your window!"

"Jaune just shattered our window!" Blake said.

Jaune laughed, and so did Ren.

"So, with that," Nora said, as Jaune got back in JNPR's van and Ruby got out of her own.

"We'll shoot out your tire!" Blake said.

"No!" Jaune said, as Ruby pulled out a shotgun. JNPR tried to drive away.

"Stop!" Weiss tried to tell the younger girl.

"Ruby!' Jaune shouted, "No sabotage!"

"None of that now!" Weiss said, but Ruby kept shooting, as JNPR swerved.

"Oooh!" Jaune said, "My bullets!" Ruby stopped shooting and returned to the van, where Yang was now in the driver's seat.

"My bullets?" Yang laughed and Ruby ran around to get into the passenger's seat.

"I've got new bullets!" Jaune told them. As Ruby got in, there was a mess of conversation, but Yang saying, "Where am I going?" Was clear.

"Pegasus vehicle!" Blake said, "There we go!"

"Set a waypoint, BLAKE!" Ruby said, her voice cracking as she said Blake.

"I did!' Blake said, " I did! Go!"

"The waypoint should be set, but-" JNPR's probably unimportant dialogue was cut off by Weiss shouting, "Action Team News! Go!"

"I really shouldn't have to say this," Pyrrha said.

The video then cut to Jaune's perspective as he looked at his teammates in first person.

"RWBY Action news!" Yang said.

"Action NewsTeams need to stick together!" Pyrrha said.

"We need to stick together!" Nora said as Jaune pulled up his camera.

"We need a theme song!" Yang said.

"It's team RWBY! And it's news!" Blake sang. Ruby cut her off with, "Sisters gotta stick together, sisters gotta hug!" She sang in a brain washed voice, as if this song had been implanted in her head by force.

"The news team needs to stay together," Weiss said, "That's only why we're doing one at a time."

"I'm using my zoom camera!" Jaune claimed,as JNPR went up a hill.

"Ooooooooooooooooo~!" Yang said, this stretching through JNPR's conversation.

"Alright, so one of you needs to get, uh, I mean we'll all go," Pyrrha said.

It switched to Jaune's perspective while he used his camera to film some NPC driving in front of them.

"Somebody needs to get a-" Yang began to hum quietly while Pyrrha spoke,

"Cargobob." Ren suggested.

"Oh!" Jaune said as JNPR took a right, "Gettin' queasy!"

"I mean, we don't need one," Nora said, "We can flip it over without it."

JNPR pulled up to their dump, still on Jaune's camera's perspective. Their dump was, for some reason, sitting on top of a car.

"There's a car!" Ren said.

"It's on top of it." Nora said.

At the same time, Weiss said, 'We don't actually know-"

"What about a dump carrying a car, carrying the world?" Ren asked.

"Pegasus is, um," Weiss began, as it was on Pyrrha running towards the dump. "Pegasus just gave me the wave off, so it looks like they got the first dump!"

"Aw yeah!" Nora said as Pyrrha climbed into the dump.

"Ahhh!" Yang disappointedly said.

"Oh, there's a car underneath them!" Blake said as it switched her perspective as RWBY pulled up next to JNPR's dump. Jaune was just now leaving the van and walking towards the yellow monster.

"Should we all get in the dump and ride around in it?" Jaune asked.

"No." Pyrrha said, as RWBY drove away, "We just need to flip it."

"We need to flip it," Ren and Nora said a second later than Pyrrha.

Someone t-boned RWBY as they continued driving, but nothing was said. Weiss and Blake could both be seen through the smashed back windows of the van, not to mention the fact that the left tail light was busted. As they ran a red light… In the left lane.

It switched to Jaune's perspective as he said, "There's a car under it!"

"So?" Nora asked, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Let me call in a, uh…"

"Here's the problem," Pyrrha said.

"Cargobob."

'I can't fucking get in because of the car underneath it!" Pyrrha angrily said, jumping around on her perspective.

"Oh." Ren said.

"You need to see Missy Misdemeanor Elliott." Ruby said.

"So we need to-" jaune was cut off by Pyrrha, "No, I got it."

RWBY bantered about something, but "I'm doing it!" being said by Weiss came through.

"Alright," Weiss said, rather meekly, "I did it, it's on the map."

"Stupid's in." Pyrrha said. 'Stupid's me."

"Alright…" Ren said.

"It's point nine-five miles away." Weiss said.

"Do we wanna blow it up?" Nora asked "Or do we wanna flip it, do you guys think-" It switched to Ren's perspective as he called Pegasus. The news van seemed to be holding up traffic, as there was a car trying to go around and another stuck behind it because Jaune was standing on the hood.

"Do we have any cars that would flip this?" Nora asked, watching Pyrrha drive off in the dump.

"You're fremonade-de-bah!" Ruby randomly said.

"Why don't we get a ramp?" Jaune asked, as the driver began to move regardless of him. "Like the one at the airport?"

"You guys take the van." Pyrrha told the others as Ruby continued to make nonsensical words. It was now on Pyrrha;s perspective, and the dump was blocking two of the five lanes.

'We need to have the van at all times," She said.

"I'll drive the van!" Jaune said.

Ruby's blabbering came to a stop as she cut herself off with, "Bleh!"

"So which one of us is Ron Burgundy?" Blake asked.

"Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh- What was that?" Ruby asked.

"Which one of us is Ron Burgundy?" Blake asked again.

"I'm Champ Kind."

"I'll be Brian Fantana!" Yang declared as the van took a sharp turn onto the highway.

"You wish you were Brian Fantana!" Ruby scoffed.

"Eighty percent of the time, I wish, every time!" Yang said in the smoothest voice she could muster.

The van took another turn into the parking lot for the race track, and there was silence for a ,moment.  
"You're more of a, uuuuh." Ruby paused for a moment.

"Champ." Yang interjected.

Ruby laughed. "Yeah." she sarcastically said. "Good thing I'm Champ." she paused again as it switched to Jaune's perspective.

"Why am I in the passenger's seat?!" Jaune asked, panning around the van.

"Brick Tamland?" Weiss suggested.

Ruby chuckled, "Yeah, Brick Tamland."

"Why'd you get out?" Nora asked Jaune from the backseat of the van.

"I was in the wrong seat!" Jaune told her, getting right back into the passenger's seat.

"Dammit!" he shouted, as Ren began to get out.

"Are you fucking idiot!" Nora shouted. (Yes, It's grammatically incorrect.)

"Jesus Christ." Ren said, running up to the driver's seat.

"I can't drive!" Jaune shouted back at Nora. 'It puts me in the passenger seat!"

"Let me park," Yang said underneath this.

"Where am I going?" Ruby asked.

"What do ya know? You can't drive." Ren said.

"I know!" Jaune said, "Ya dope!"

"It should be open!" Pyrrha told them.

At the same time, a notification appeared, reading "RWBYYang survived the Bounty placed on them."

Ruby then screamed in rage for some reason, as it swapped to Weiss' perspective. Weiss was driving the dump, and Yang was running around in the parking lot beside her. The van was neatly backed into one of the spaces, a four-wheeler also parked a few spaces down.

"Should be stuff to flip it over here." Ruby said, now calm.

"Is there a ramp or something we can drive it off of?" Blake asked as Weiss began to drive towards the van.

"Uh," Weiss said. "Do you think the van will do it?"

"No, Weiss!" Yang shouted. "Don't wreck the van!"

Yang repeated this as Ren said, "I'm holding 'Y' right now and I just got all the way in the back."

The dump pushed RWBY's van up a nearby fence.

"Ah!" Jaune shouted, "I'm driving now!"

'Aw, Weiss!" Blake said, as Weiss turned away from the van that was now hanging off the short fence and bounded over herself.

"The van's not doing it." She said.

"God…" Ruby sighed.

The video changed to Jaune's perspective as he drove the van just behind and to the right of the dump, while Nora ran beside it. Everyone stopped and Jaune began to spin the rear tires. The passenger door was slightly open, and Pyrrha was talking to Nora. "Just hold triangle near the ladder," She said.

Jaune pulled up beside the dump.

"It still has to be drivable, right?" Ruby asked.

"Right." Weiss said.

It switched to Nora's perspective as she pulled the dump into an intersection, Ren, Pyrrha and Jaune just beside her in the van.

"Lead her to a ramp," Pyrrha told Jaune.

"Where?" Jaune asked.

"I have no idea."

"Ooooh, Where ya going now?!" Ruby asked in the background.

"Guys, guys, guys!" Weiss said. "We got a good thing going here!"

It switched to the Ice Queen's perspective as she drove towards a tunnel in the center of the track. To her right was a pond, and to her left was a road she had no plans of using.

"Just go to the mountains!" Ren said as Weiss neared the tunnel.

"Just go north!" Pyrrha told Jaune.

"Just straight north?" Jaune asked.

"Yeah, we can probably flip it. Like on the uh…"

"The van's seen better days, _Weiss._ " Ruby said on her perspective. The van was right where Weiss left it, but now, Ruby was spinning the tires, trying to get it down. Blake and Yang were nowhere to be seen. It was chaos.

"Just keep trying that." Yang said.

"Hey, hey, Weiss!" Nora said. "How bout we say this; You need your news van at all times?"

Ruby dislodged the van and Nora continued, "So if it blows up, you have to call another one in before you can move on?"

"Oh, yeah." Weiss said, as Ruby took a sharp left turn to where the others were on her minimap.

"You gotta have a-" Ruby spoke over weiss, but only for a second, saying, "Yeah!" "News van." Weiss finished.

"Gotta - can't have a news without a news van." Ruby said.

On Weiss' perspective, she took out a yield sign, and drove across the aforementioned road.

"There should be a ramp over here or something." Ren said.

"Let's try a little bit of this." Jaune said.

"That's almost right." Weiss said. "HO!" She shouted for some reason.

"There ya go!" Ruby said, pulling up behind Weiss.

It suddenly switched to Jaune's perspective, as he watched the dump go up a mountain/hill behind him.

"It just has to be upside down, Weiss?" Ruby said.

"Yeah."

The dump began to flip, and Nora said, "Oh, yeah!"

"I don't have to catch an action shot or anything?" Ruby asked

"No,no,no." Weiss said.

The dump began to fall backwards, then sideways.

"Oh, shit!" Nora said. "That was close!" The dump rolled right back onto its wheels.

"That was almost." Jaune stepped out of the van.

"That was close." Pyrrha said.

"Let me try again." Nora said.

"Let me get the picture!" Jaune said, beginning to run up the hill.

"Yeah," Pyrrha said. "I'm with you!"

"Come on!" Weiss Excitedly said. It swapped back to Weiss' perspective,as she began to drive up the side of the tunnel.

"Oh," Blake said. "Weiss, you almost got it!"

"It's hard to roll!" weiss shouted,

'Yeah." Ren said.

"That was kind of the whole thinking here-" Weiss was overshadowed by Jaune, who was going, "Ooooooh!"  
The editor hit it to Pyrrha's perspective, as she watched the dump beginning to roll back down the hill.

"Come on!" Jaune shouted, as the dump rolled onto the van.

"Dammit!" Nora said as the dump began to roll back over. "Oh! No, fuck you."

"Well, that's big." Jaune said, as Nora wedged the dump on a stone wall not too far away. "Big machine." He said.

"That could be difficult." Ren said, walking towards the dump.

'Maybe if Yang got another-" Ruby continued speaking as it swapped back to Weiss. "Wedged under it while-"

"Weiss began to speak, seemingly trying to go into the tunnel. "That's it!"

"It's up like that." Ruby said.

"I'm-" Blake was cut off by Pyrrha, "Jesus!"

"I'm getting a chopper!"

"You may wanna move the van…" Nora said.

"The fuck's the chopper- Oh, yeah." Ruby said.

"Hai, Pyrrha!" Jaune said happily.

"Hi, Jaune." Pyrrha

said, uninterested. (No Arkos here, just some Michael/Gavin stuff)

"I'm taking a picture of you-"

"Maybe I can pick it up and flip it!" Blake said.

"In the van." It was on Jaune again as he took the picture.

"Okay," Pyrrha said. "Do it, quick. I'll move it."

"I did it."

"So Nora doesn't blow it up."

Jaune looked over at the dump, which was ready to climb the hill.

The dump then accelerated forward as the van pulled away, launching up the hill.

"Oo," Weiss said, "Is that a ramp over there?"\

Jaune pulled out his camera and pointed it at Nora, just as the dump began to go backwards.

Nora groaned in a way that sounded like she was straining every muscle in her body.

"This looking-" Jaune cursed it, and Nora fell.

"Damn." Ren said, quietly.

"Oh, man." Jaune said, still tracking the dump with his camera as it drove away.

"Maybe I can go to the top and, maybe try to flip down." Nora suggested, turning the dump towards Jaune, missing him by an inch.

"Keep trying, guys." Yang said.

"Try it." Ren told his friend.

"I believe in you, Nora!" Pyrrha said, as Jaune watched the dump go up-hill.

"Come on, Weiss!" Ruby shouted.

"I'm working on it." Weiss said.

On Pyrrha, the redhead tried to give the dump a boost and slammed into the rear wheel. This began to flip the dump, as Pyrrha grunted angrily. "Oh'p." Nora said.

"Does it have to be a still, or a moving picture?" Jaune asked.

The dump and van slide down the hill, Pyrrha stuck under the front tire now.

"No, no, no!" Ruby said, chastising her boyfriend, "I need you to take a moving picture, Jaune!"

"Almost!" Nora said.

"So it's not footage?"

'Ruby, that's called a video!" Ren said.

"How's it gonna be f- How are- What are you- Does your camera do video?" Ruby asked.

Pyrrha just laughed, and Yang said, "It's a gif with sound!"

"Well, I'm recording my game!" Jaune said, he said something more, but this could not be heard under Weiss, " _YOU IDIOT!_ "

"Yeah," Pyrrha said. "Well, okay." She was now free from underneath the dump, which was driving away, but her hood was caved in.

"Alright, alright." Weiss said. "I've got an idea."

The video faded out there.


	55. Let's Watch - Until Dawn

GAME OPENING WITH TEXT ON A BUTTERFLY

Ren is playing. Taiyang, Jaune, and Blake are sitting behind him, Sun standing behind.

Ren: Here we go, alright.

Ren: The butterfly effect.

Jaune: Dun-dun- duuun.

Ren: [reading] A tiny butterfly flapping it's wings abldu [pr][/] I missed it.

Blake: [reading] A tiny butterfly devastating hurricane.

Ren: Devastating hurricane. That's the takeaway.

Taiyang: Bees!

Ren: This is a let's watch.

Jaune: Until Dawn, PS4.

Ren: I mean, we'll probably stop before then, but-

TEXT ABOUT CONSEQUENCES

GROUP: Ooooooh.

Blake: [reading] The smallest decision can dramatically[/]- [to Sun] Do you want- do you need an HDMI or a XLR? We can get you on mic?

Sun: Nah, I gotta go.

Blake: Oh.

SWEEP OVER GLOWING VEINS ON BUTTERFLIES WINGS

Ren: There, okay. This is how branching works, in case you didn't know.

Blake: [reading] Your actions will shape how the story unfolds.

Tai: God dammit. Alright already.

Ren: Sometimes you go left

Jaune: They actually did that with toothpaste.

Ren: Wait, this is a practical effect?

Jaune: Yeah. Yeah.

Ren: Cool.

Tai: Blargh.

Blake: They added that filter with toothpaste?

Ren: There's just some guy at the back going [mimes squeezing toothpaste] aaaaah.

[giggling]

Ren: He's got amazing toothpaste control.

Jaune: It's like the 80th take.

Tai: [not wanting to do this groan] Possibilities.

Blake: [reading in a reading voice] Your story is one of many possibilities.

Jaune: So apparently in this game you can have everyone survive, or everyone die.

Tai: Which one's harder to do?

Jaune: Or any combination of- I think they're both pretty hard.

Ren: I feel like one of them would a good video and one of them would not.

GAME SHOWING A SNOWY CABIN

[laughter]

Jaune: Having everyone live?

Blake: Ryan, you should walk through everything backwards.

Ren: Alright, so I did, by the way, select motion controls. So that means the control of the game is entirely based on me tilting this thing [demonstrates tilting].

Blake: Ah, that's good.

Jaune: Oh, is it really?

INSIDE THE CABIN WITH SOME PEOPLE

Blake: That's not gimmicky at all.

Ren: Yeah.

Jaune: Or is it just some elements?

Ren: Sometimes- I have no idea.

Blake: Hey, is this Evil Dead?

OUTSIDE CABIN AGAIN

Blake: [high pitched impression] Dead by dawn. Dead by dawn.

[chuckling, mostly by Tai]

Blake: Let's get Ruby, we can go watch the movie. Right, Yang's Dad?

Tai: [laughing 'tsh' sound]

Blake: She loved that movie, right?

Tai: She was not into Evil Dead 2. I really thought she'd find the humour in it.

Jaune: You took her to see that?

Blake: [ominous voice] Tool shed.

Tai: No, I showed it to her at home.

Jaune: [giggling] Oh.

GUY OMINOUSLY OUTSIDE CABIN

Ren: Yeah, he took Ruby back in time. To when it came out.\

Ruby: [Faintly, barely audible] Huh?

Tai: Cause it's funny and I remember-

Jaune: They show stuff at the Alamo that's old, Ren.

INSIDE CABIN WITH MANY PEOPLE

Ren: They do [giggles].

Jaune: Thank you very much.

Blake: They're showing Jurassic Park this weekend.]

Ren: How was Demolition Man?

Jaune: Demolition Man was awesome.

Ren: Oh, that's totally Hayden Peta[mumble]

Jaune: It is, yeah.

Blake: Save the Hayden Panettiere, save the world.

Sun: Save the show.

WATCHES GAME PEOPLE TALK

Ren: Someone's got a huge crush on somebody.

Jaune: Put subtitles on, Ren.

Ren: Okay.

Tai: Yeah, what are they talking about?

Ren: I have no idea.

SCREEN GOES TO PAUSE MENU

Ren: Ooops!

Ruby: [Popping in] Okay, so his girlfriend fucked her boyfriend at prom-

Ren: Settings is greyed out. Unavailable.

Ruby: Under the bleachers.

Blake: Alright.

Ruby: And she's mad.

Ren: We just gotta- we just gotta deal with it.

Jaune: You can do it probably after this cut scene

Blake: No settings. That's one of the branches.

Sun: [Still back there] She just skipped.

GIRL IN GAME SKIPS

Blake: If you use settings-

Ren: She is skipping.

Blake: It changes the world.

Ren: Aww.

Ruby: Kill her!

Ren: Wait until she has sex.

Sun: Kill her for skipping.

Ren: Wait until she has sex.

Tai: She has to take a shower first before she dies in a horror movie.

Ren: Or make a- some sort of immoral choice-

Tai: Yeah.

Blake: Do they not have any fucking lights on in this house?

Ren: Nah.

Jaune: There's a light, look!

Ren: Yeah.

Blake: That's the moon.

Ren: Yeah, it's reflecting off of a light.

Jaune: There's some light.

MOONLIGHT THROUGH SHUTTER CRACKS

Ren: Maybe the powers out?

HAYDEN PANTENABLETE: Hannah!

Jaune: Maybe Anna knows?

Blake: Turn the lights on.

Ren: Ooh, they're- they're playing hide-and-seek.

Tai: Already more has happened in this then the entirety of uh fucking Everyone's Gone to Rapture.

Ren: It's true.

GAME CHARACTERS HIDING PLACES AND WHISPERING

GLASSES CHICK GOING TO ROOM WITH CANDLE

Blake: Shh-shh She's here. Tee-hee-hee.

Ren: Oh, nerdy girl! [points at glasses chick]

Tai: Nerdy girl.

Blake: You're dead.

Ren: Alright, let's be honest-

Blake: Where's the clever pothead? That- that's my favourite.

GLASSES CHICK MEETS SOME DUDE IN ROOM EVERYONE'S HIDING IN

Ren: At any point in- when you were a uh you know, a young twenty year old, did you ever have seven hot

Blake: That's Ward from agents of shield.

Ren: girl friends that would all go to a secluded cabin with you?

Tai: No, but I couldn't throw things really far or run fast.

MORE OMINOUS GUY STANDING OUTSIDE CABIN

Ren: You think that guy can?

Blake: He wasn't a male model in Milan.

Tai: I don't think it was- [laughing] I couldn't kick a ball straight, so

Blake: [laugh]

Jaune: No throwing plus running equals no cabin.

[chuckling]

Tai: Yeah. If I had been on some sort of sports team, I'm sure this would happen.

REN TAKES CONTROL OF SOME CHICK IN CABIN

Blake: That's your butterfly effect.

Ren: Okay, this is us.

Blake: Alright, can you hit controls yet and fix the subtitles.

Ren: Okay, that's a- that's a good point.

GOES TO PAUSE SCREEN

Jaune: Your bum looks good in those jeans.

Ruby lightly kicks the back of Jaune's chair before giggling when he looks at her and walking off.

Ren: It does. I'm- uh- yoga pants, right? Subtitles.

Blake: Oh, the girl in the background changed.

Tai: That looks kind of like Nasim Pedrad.

Ren: See, control options-

Jaune: It does!

Reb: motion controls. I don't know what that means.

Jaune: Well let's just go with it.

Ren: Yeah, we're going with it.

Jaune: We've got face-cam, we can see you doing it.

Blake: Show Global Stats. That's a branch.

Ren: I don't wanna. I still move around with this.

Blake: Grab that beverage.

Ren: Oh look, Ah, get some Monster.

Blake: Yeah.

Ren: [approaching can] Is that a Monster?

Tai: Touch your vagina.

Yang: [From other side of the room] Dad, no!

Jaune: I wonder if we should turn up the brightness.

Ren: I don't-I don't have a button for that.

Jaune: Just, for the audience.

Tai: Grab your boob.

Ren: Turn the brightness up? Alright.

Blake: No, it's spoooooky.

Sun: Give yourself a double breast exam, make sure you don't have cancer.

Ren: [signs high pitched] Alright.[/] Mammogram? Alright.

Blake: [singing] She's gone, oh-wa.

Jaune: Just a little bit more.

Ren: Like that?

Jaune: There you go.

Blake: [reading] Until logo is barely visible.

Jaune: It'll be darker on YouTube.

Ren: It's true.

Blake: Darker-

BACK IN GAME

Ren: There we go.

Blake: YouTube is a very dangerous place. Oh! That guy's dead.

Ren: Oh, who's this?

APPROACHES PERSON SLEEPING IN CHAIR.

Ren: It's started early.

Jaune: Jimmy!

Ren: Get outta the chair!

Blake: Is this like Party Hard? You gonna stab em?

[Jaune and Tai laugh]

Ren: I'm trying.

Jaune: God, imagine if Party Hard looked this good.

Blake: Aww, man.

Ren: Every body's asleep. Uop, beer pong, that happened here.

Blake: Oh, someone left their dust in the air.

[laughter, especially from Jaune]

Ren: I don't- where am I supposed to be going I wonder? Oh is that a face?

Blake: Oh, creepy mask.

Ren: Can I wear that?

Tai: We saw that mask earlier. It was in another place, though.

Jaune: Little baby.

Blake: Is that a record player?

Tai: Who's upstairs?

Ren: Uuuh, okay, it may be this way

Blake: That's a tiny couch..

Ren: Doot doot doo.

Blake: Hello!

Ren: Now we're in the dining room.

Blake: Look for Sylar.

Ren: Ah, how well appointed is this place?

Blake: See if you can find a watch somewhere.

Ren: It's stylish.

Ren: I feel like I'm walking through a Southern Living magazine

Jaune: This game should win the Bum in Jeans Award. It just looks so good.

Ren: It's not jeans. Those are clearly yoga pants

Jaune: Meant yoga pants.

Blake: Those are- maybe they're jeggings?

Ren: Are they jeggings?

Jaune: [snickering] They might be jeggings.

Tai: No. They're. Lulu Lemon's, or whatever.

Jaune: Lemons?

REN TRIES TO OPEN A DOOR

Ren: Can't go in this door.

Sun: It's locked.

[Blake laughs]

Jaune: It's like Resident Evil with the dogs outside.

Ren: Alright. Nice.

Blake: Question mark.

Ren: She looks like she's wearing a [Blake speaks over him, so it's impossible to tell what he said]

Blake: Oh! There's something flashing on the counter!]

Ren: Where? D'you see it?

Blake: Yeah, it's-

Ren: Ooh, yeah.

Blake: Look at that.

Tai: That's story, flashing.

Sun: Get that gleam. Get it.

Blake: Eagle eye.

Jaune: J.J. Abrams was here.

TUTORIAL BOX COMES UP

Ren: [reading] Tutorial: move the controller to look ar-[/] [moves controller like steering wheel] Uhn [and other way] uhn.

Blake: [reading] Objects that glint can be inspected.

Ren: [moving controller up and down] It's not-

Jaune: You probably have to interact-

Ren: Oh wait! Look at her head!

CHARACTERS IS LOOKING AROUND, BUT WEIRDLY

Blake: Look at her head moving around.

Sun: [something], Ren.

Ren: Oh, dude.

REN TURNING CONTROLLER IN ALL WAYS

Sun: [mocking] It's not working.[/] Her heads just turning.

[Jaune laughing]

[Ren making excited playing noises]

Blake: She's having a seizure.

[laughter]

REN STILL PLAYING

[Ren making playing noises]

Sun: Twist it around. Twist 360 degrees. Keep going.

Blake: Look for-

Sun: POP HER HEAD OFF!

Ren: I can't!

Jaune: Put it in a tumble dryer.

Blake: Look for a wooden spoon.

Ren: I can't! [stops goofing off] She's limited by human, dimensions.

Tai: She should get her atlas adjusted.

[Ren laughs]

Jaune: So now you can turn it and it'll

TUTORIAL SHOWS UP

Ren: Uh uh, R2.

Blake: R2.

Ren: That- was that R2?

Jaune: And then like, rotate it around

Blake: ["wacky" voice] R2! 3PO!

CHARACTER PICKS UP AND PUTS DOWN NOTE

Ren: Wait no! Come back!

Jaune: Hold R2 then twist the thingy.

Blake: Then call 3PO and Hannah

LETTER TURNS AROUND

Ren: Heeeey.

Tai: Disable this fucking motion control.

Blake: [reading] You look so-

Jaune and Ren: [getting their heads into it] damn hot.

[Sun saying something and twisting his arm around weird]

Blake: [reading] I bet you even hotter out of it. Come to the guest rr

Tai: [to Sun] Vincent D'onofrio in Men in Black.

Blake: Who leaves a note like that just laying around?

Ren: Well, you know, if you start at the top and it says 'Hannah' and you're not Hannah, you would just put it down, right?

Jaune: Where's the pen that wrote it?!

CHARACTER (BETH) SAYS "OH MY GOD"

Blake: [valley girl] Oh my god. [/] Oh, this is Beth.

Ren: Oh my god.

Tai: [valley girl] Oh my god.

Ren: What has our irew sister-

Blake: Who are you talking to?!

Tai: Her butt is so big.

Ren: I don't- that's a good point, everyone's drunk and uncon- They're gone. No, there they are.

[laughter]

Blake: They've gone to the rapture.

Ren: Let's go get our naive sister out of. Danger.

HANNAH IN ROOM WHERE EVERYONE'S HIDING.

Blake: Oh wow, he made the door vanish.

SOMETHING ABOUT SHIRTS BEING TAKEN OFF

GROUP: [interested Ooooh-ing]

Blake: Dude, that's totally Ward from Agents of Shield.

Ren: Yeah it is.

WARD FROM AGENTS OF SHIELD GRINS CREEPILY

Ren: A- What a creepy grin.

Blake: Uh, where's Sky?

MORE ABOUT HANNAH TAKING OFF HER SHIRT

Ren: [moving controller up and down] Can I- can I-

Blake: Or daisy?

Ren: control this with a controller? [moves controller up and down] ehe-ehe-ehe

Sun: Shake your head 'yes.'

Ren: [moving controller up and down] Yes yes ye-

Sun: Give him the green light.

Ren: Oh- ohp, she's gonna do it.

Jaune: Oooh hell yeah.

HANNAH TOUCHES HER TOP BUTTON

[Jaune and Sun make anticipatory sounds]

Tai: [shocked] Is that how making out's supposed to work?

[Blake snorts]

THE HIDING ASSHOLES REVEL THEMSELVES TO HANNAH

Ren: Wha-

Blake: Oh, someone's got a-

Sun: YOU FUCKING RUINED IT!

Blake: Ahh, he's got a selfie-stick. Oh! And there's Hayden Panettiere

HANNAH RUNS OUT

Ren: Aww, she had real feelings.

Jaune: Now she's gonna die of embarrassment.

Ren: She really felt like she wanted to show him her boobs.

Blake: I hope the guy with the selfie-stick dies first.

Sun: Why did he need a fucking selfie-stick, he could have just held it!

[laughter]

BACK TO BETH

BETH SEES SOMEONE GO PAST WINDOW

Tai: Makes no goddamn sense.

Blake: Alright we're- how do you. Be ashamed? Press X to shame.

Ren: [overly moving controller] Here- shamed.

Blake: [reading] Find others.

Jaune: Oh, now you have a decision to make.

Tai: Okay, let's uh, hold on-

Ren: Okay

Tai: What are the two decisions? Find others or?

Ren: Uh.

Ren and Tai: Wake Josh

Tai: Uuuuh

Ren: Find others, wake Josh

Sun: Fuck Josh.

Tai: Did- wha- this is a- this is some butterfly effect shit right here.

Blake: No, no, if we wake Josh, we don't fuck him.

Jaune: I think we should wake him up.

Ren: You think we should wake Josh?

Jaune: Yeah, like

Blake: Wake up, Josh.

Jaune: Like, who is Josh?

Ren: Yeah, bu- ngh You ever met someone you liked named Josh?

Jaune: [laughs] No.

Ren: No offence to Josh Flanagan, who's awesome.

Jaune: No no, I like the Joshes that work here.

Jaune: There's two Joshes I like.

Blake: [singing] These are the Joshes I know I know.

Ren: A-uh- you raise a good point Actually Joshes here have been really good.

BETH TRIES WAKE JOSH

Jaune: Yeah.

Blake: Wake up

Jaune: Josh and white Josh.

Ren: They've really turned around Josh for me.

Blake: Wake up! [Beth runs away from still sleeping Josh] Well, okay, that didn't work.

Ren: ho-wha-the-fu?

Jaune: [laugh]

Ren: Good thing we wasted some time.

Blake: Oh, there's someone outside.

Jaune: Is there? When did we learn that?

Ren: Yeah! [pointing] it was the friend, she just went outside.

Tai: We were all talking about Josh.

BUNCH OF CHARACTERS RUN OUTSIDE

Sun: Put a jacket on!

Ren: The nerdy friend just le- Hannah. Hanny- Hannah the nerdy we didn't get to see her boobies.

Sun: Which is dumb.

CHARACTERS TRYING TO BRUSH OFF THEIR SEX CRIME

Blake: How was that a joke?

Ren: Han?

Sun: [nasally voice] It was just a pra-ank. [Jaune holds his mic for Sun to talk into] We were just gonna post nudes of you online. Chill out, nerd.

Jaune: They were gonna look at her tits.

BETH RUNS OFF AFTER HANNAH

Ren: What I've learned is that Beth can spontaneously manifest a jacket.

[Blake chortles]

Ren: She ran towards the door and poof.

HAYDEN PANETTIERE TELLS OFF WARD FROM AGENTS OF SHIELD

Ren: Yeah, Mike.

Blake: Yeah, Mike. You asshole.

Jaune: Yeah, Mike

Tai: Ooooooh

Sun: Fuck.

Ren: Okay.

Blake: [reading] Press the correct action button.

Ren: Shit. I don't know the bu-

SQUARE APPEARS ON SCREEN

Jaune: Quick time event!

Blake: Square!

Sun: Ren, you're gonna kill [something]

Ren: Was that square?

CHARACTER FALLS DOWN HILL

Ren: That wasn't square.

Jaune: [squeaking] Oh, you pressed circle.

Blake: Square is X.

Ren: That wasn't square.

Sun: Aw, damn.

Jaune: The butterfly effect. You tripped.

Blake: The square is X.

Ren: I remember now. I remember are.

CHOOSE BETWEEN FAST ROUTE AND SAFE ROUTE

Jaune: The whole game is different now that you tripped on a log.

Ren: Uh, fast! Wait! Fast or safe?

Tai: Now Mendela's gonna die.

Blake: Fast!

Ren: Fast or safe?!

Blake: Fast! Fast Ren!

Ren: Fast.

Blake: Fast!

Sun: Yeah, you should have done safe. You're dead.

TRIANGLE QTE

Blake: Y! Y!

Ren: I got it I got it

Jaune: Did you just say 'Y'?

Blake: Yeah. I'm a-I'm gonna give him the X-Box commands.

Jaune: You're his-

Ren: No! Don't mess me up cause now I remember which ones are which.

Jaune: You're his live translator.

BETH RUNNING

Ren: Uh! Uh! We're running through the woods. There's not enough branches hitting us in the face. I know how this works.

Blake: This is- this is evil dead.

FORK IN THE PATH

Jaune: Which way?!

Ren: Uh! Uh!

Blake: Fast!

Ren: Follow noise, follow footprints?

Tai: Oh, noise, noise!

Blake: Follow footprints

Ren: Noise!

Sun: Iceprints!

Ren: Which one?!

Blake: Noise! Go noise. Right.

Ren: Noise.

Sun: God! You'd be dead already.

Ren: Let's go-

Sun: The guy would catch you there looking down the path.

Ren: Let's go find the girl who leaves no footprints.

Tai: Dude, you guys could play this game forever and just everybody play it differently.

Jaune: Yeah.

Ren: That's true.

Sun: Or we all play it the exact same way!

Ren: Dammit, Hannah.

Sun: That'd be fun too, right?

ANOTHER FORK

Blake: [reading subtitles] Dammit, Hannah. Where are you?

Ren: How did you run this way without leaving footprints? Look! You started leaving footprints.

Blake: Follow the footprints.

Tai: Follow the shadow! Follow shadow!

Blake: Follow the shadow!

REN STRUGGLING HARDCORE WITH THE CONTROLLER

Ren: Alright, just- mzzph

Blake: Shadow Stephens!

Ren: The- there it is.

Jaune: Come on, Ryan.

Blake: Hurry up, Ryan!

REN FLAILS THE CONTROLLER

Ren: It takes time! Do you see me manipulating this thing!

Blake: You're doing a terrible job.

Jaune: We should see if- we could probably be the first people-

Sun: I've seen him use the Wii, as well. It works fine.

Ren: Motion controls don't like me, okay?

Blake: Get ready to press. X

Ren: I'm ready.

Jaune: They don't understand your jagged arm movements

Blake: X is actually. The square.

Ren: No! Stop telling me things.

BETH PULLS OUT PHONE

Sun: Take a picture!

Blake and Ren: [reading] Use your touch pad as shown.

Ren: Okay.

Blake: Use your android phone.

Ren: Swipe. I'm swiping.

Jaune: Swipe. That's cool.

Ren: I'm gonna take a selfie.

Blake: Take a selfie.

[Blake giggles]

Ren: Status update- Oh it's my! It's-

Jaune: Oh, it's- you can control your. Your light.

Ren: Hannah!

TUTORIAL SHOWS UP

Blake: [reading] You can direct-

Ren: This really is burning my battery, Hannah, if you could come out soon.

Blake: Alright, move the controller to control the light.

Jaune: Hannah, I forgot my mo-fi.

Ren: [waving controller about] Uhn! Uhn! Oh I can! Lookit!

Sun: You okay, Mr. Xiao Long?

Tai: It's intense..

Ren: I can control I can control my hand independently of where I'm walking.

Jaune: You're gonna get eaten by a. Bear or something.

Ren: What? Like a shark?

Sun: [laughing] Fucking bear.

Blake: [laughing] A shark.

Jaune: Wha- what's

Blake: Yeah, you're gonna get eaten by a shark.

Ren: Shark that can walk on the land.

Sun: Really wouldn't see that one coming.

Jaune: There's water on the floor.

DEER RUNS ACROSS PATH

[group let's out surprised 'ah']

Blake: Gosh!

Sun: KILL IT!

[giggles]

Ren: Aw, little deer.

Blake: [reading] Hold L1 to

Blake and Ren: walk faster.

Ren: That's this one.

Blake: That's left bumper.

Ren: Yep.

[Jaune and Taiyang laugh]

Blake: I'm your- I'm your translator.

Ren: There it is.

Blake: I'm your Schnee Lens.

Ren: You're my PS translator.

Blake: Your World Lens.

Ren: [high pitched voice] Hello? Hello? [/] Did anyone consider just calling her?

Blake: [high pitched voice] Hellooooo?

Ren: With the phone that I'm carrying

BETH BENDS OVER TO PICK UP TOTEM

Tai: Oh shit!

Blake: Ah! It's a foot.

Ren: It- uh- R2.

Jaune: Is it uh ?

BETH PICKS UP TOTEM

[ooh's of comprehension and impending doom]

Blake: Oh, It's part of the shrine of the silver monkey

Jaune: Turn your hand over, God!

Ren: Right! Right, I'm in control of this.

Jaune: Turn it over!

REN FLIPS CONTROLLER TOTALLY UPSIDE DOWN

Jaune: No, the other way!

Blake: See if it's a- see if it's a

Ren: What does that mean?!

Blake: It's a note to Mike.

PS4 MENU SCREEN

Sun: You paused it.

Blake: And you've hit-

Tai: What are you doing?

Ren: I don't know!

Blake: Oh Jesus, Ren.

BACK TO GAME. BETH PUTS DOWN TOTEM.

Ren: Look there's a mic stand in- Oh god dammit I put it down.

Sun: Just- just pick it up.

Jaune: Alright-

Ren: Alright.

Jaune: pick it up again.

Ren: I got it.

Tai: You fuck.

Sun: No one's making you hold it two feet away from your body, Ren! [Sun demonstrates holding the controller out with straight arms]

Ren: Wha- There's a mic [points] in the-

THE TOTEM TURNS OVER

[cheers]

Sun: Move it closer!

TOTEM VISION OF SOMEONE BREAKING THEIR BACK ON ROCKS

[yells]

Jaune: Ah!

Tai: What?

Jaune: Was- It's a premonition of the future.

Blake: Death totem!

Ren: Death totem?

Blake: Right bumper.

Jaune: R1.

Sun: Holy shit is it Final Destination? What is this?

BETH STANDS UP, THEN BENDS BACK OVER

Ren: Do- Do you want me to pick it back up? Alright.

Jaune: No, just-

Blake: No, you're supposed to-

Jaune: Press R1.

Ren: Why would I put down the Death Totem!

Jaune: Press R1 on it!

REN PRESS BUTTON

Blake: No, spin it around.

Jaune: You're pressing L2!

Ren: There's too many things!

THE CONTROLLER IS UPSIDE DOWN AGAIN

Blake: Right bumper.

Jaune: R- right one.

IN GAME MENU SCREEN OF COLLECTED TOTEMS

Ren: There. I pushed all the buttons

Blake: There you go. [reading] Death, loss, danger mouse.

Ren: D- Yes.

Blake: Alright, your prophecy

Ren: Der Fledermaus

Sun: What the fuck…?

Jaune: Read about the Death Totem.

Ren: Okay.

SELECTS DEATH TOTEM. RE-PLAYS VISION

Blake: Ah!

Ren: It was found on the mountain by Beth.

Blake: We've got one of six.

Ren: D'alright.

Blake: back.

Jaune: There's different types of

Sun: Don't do that.

BACK IN GAME. BETH PUTS DOWN TOTEM

Jaune: totems

Ren: We're just gonna leave it here.

Sun: Don't smash your skull.

Blake: Okay, now

Tai: Dude, you're fucking cursed now.

Ren: Sh, we're gonna go about our lives pretending that that never happened.

Tai: It's just like when they found that totem in the fucking cave. When they were in Patch.

Ren and Blake: [over exaggerated] Huh?

[pause]

Ren: The- what are you talking about?

Blake: Yeah, remember when Marsha, she got hit-

Tai: Yeah.

Blake: in the nose with the football.

Ren: And they got a death totem-

Blake: Yeah.

Ren: that warned them about it before hand?

Tai: It's when they went on vacation in Patch.

Ren: It was the football right? That was the totem?

Tai: They were cursed.

Ren: Alright, we're looking around.

Jaune: Just keep very careful footing.

Ren: bu- What is that thing?

Tai: Did you guys have the Brady Bunch in England, Gavin?

FIRES SHOTS

[Blake and Ren yell]

Blake: Oh God!

Jaune: What the hell!

Blake: It's the Hunger Games.

Ren: Are- Why are we in the forest from fucking Princess Bride?

Jaune: DRAGON!

Blake: Watch out for rats of unusual size.

Sun: [rushed] Alright guys, I'm too scared, I hope you guys survive.

Ren: Rodents.

SUN LEAVES

Blake: Bye, Sun

Ren: Bye, Sun.

Jaune: Bye.

BETH FINDS HANNAH

Ren: [pointing] Oh! We bedazzled it!

Tai: [Visibly nervous] Oh, you found her sister.

Blake: Oh you found her.

Ren: Ah, that was easy.

Jaune: They're gonna get eaten by a dragon.

BETH TAKES OFF HER JACKET

Ren: Now she's taking her shirt off.

Blake: Put your shirt back on!

BETH GIVES HANNAH HER COAT

Blake: Take my coat, I manifested it.

Tai: It's magic.

GUYS WATCHING SCENE

PREDATOR VISION OF HANNAH AND BETH

Ren: Uh-oh.

Blake: Oh, here we go.

Ren: The Predator!

Blake: [doing an impression] You son of a bitch.

Ren: If only I hadn't tripped on the way.

Jaune: The faces look good in this game.

Tai: They do.

Ren: They do. Let's run.

HANNAH AND BETH STARTS RUNNING

Tai: And the butts.

Jaune: And the butts. Faces and butts.

Blake: Alright Ren, get ready to do motion controls.

Ren: Alright. Mot-

Blake: Or but- buttons. Whatever.

HANNAH FALLS OVER

Blake: Triangle!

Jaune: Aw, no.

Ren: X- square- zer- okay.

BETH HELPS HANNAH UP

Blake: Aw no, that's my jacket you're ruining.

Jaune: Did she lose her glasses?

BETH'S PHONE FALLS

Blake: Ah! My phone!

Ren: My cell phone!

Blake: That's my light source.

Ren: I costume bedazzled it.

Blake: Hurry up and split up.

HANNAH AND BETH REACH THE EDGE OF A CLIFF

Tai: What are we running from?!

Ren: I don't know. But it can see in the dark.

Blake: It's like Thelma and Louise

Jaune: That is a cliff.

Ren: I wonder if it's a chipmunk or something?

Jaune: I feel like the premonition is about to come true.

PREDATOR VISION GETTING CLOSER

Ren: ahAh- okay.

Blake: Aw, they're gonna hold hands and die together.

HANNAH AND BETH FALL OFF CLIFF

Ren: No!

Blake: Op, down they go.

Ren: Is there a ledge?

BETH HANGING ONTO LEDGE WITH ONE HAND AND HANNAH WITH OTHER

Blake: Ah, of course.

Ren: Oh, okay, we got a hand.

Blake: There's that stone you're gonna break your back on.

Ren: That's some serious upper body strength.

Blake: That's like Ninja Warrior shit.

FIRE OVER EDGE OF CLIFF

TAI IS NOW BITING HIS FINGER NAILS

Jaune: Wha-

Ren: What?!

Jaune: What is that?

Ren: What fire breathing nonsense is this?

Blake: Ryan hold on, use your motion controls.

Ren: I'm not holding anything, it doe-

FLAMETHROWER GUY APPEARS OVER CLIFF

Ren: You know, it's just Freddie Flamethrower. The guy that hangs out in the forest here.

CHOICE PRESENTED

Ren: Uh.

Blake: [laughs] Drop.

Jaune: [laugh of 'oh shit']

Ren: Let go, or Drop Hannah?

Blake: Uh…

[Ren making noises while moving the controller]

Blake: Let go! Let go!

Ren: Let go? I ca- Turn you bitch!

[Jaune laughs]

BETH LET'S GO

Ren: We both die.

Blake: No you're gonna hit the-

BETH BREAKS BACK LIKE IN TOTEM

['Oohs' of sympathy pain]

Jaune: Brutal.

Ren: Guys. I think we lost one.

BETH AND HANNAH HIT SOME MORE STUFF WHILE ROLLING

[Ooohs of sympathy pain]

Ren: WE LOST TWO!

Blake: We won! We won.

Ren: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Shit.

GAME IN SOME SORT OF OFFICE

Tai: We never even got to see em naked.

[Jaune chuckles, whispering something about Dead Island to Tai, who just glares at him]

Blake: [reading caption] The Analyst.

Ren: [reading name plaque] Dr. A. J. Hill.

Blake: Anal-cyst.

[brief pause]

Ren: Well I mean, one way or another we were gonna lose somebody, right? Like it was drop her or-

Tai: That names probably like an- er- some sort of an acronym or something, right?

THERAPIST APPROACHES CAMERA

Ren: Hey, it's that guy.

Jaune: PETER STORMARE

Blake: Peter Stormare.

Tai: He's great.

Ren: Yeah, that guy.

Blake: He's a nihilist. He's not an analyst, he's a nihilist.

[laughter]

Blake: They believe in nothing.

[pause to watch scene a little]

Ren: Oh wait. Was that all. Back in time?

Blake: What?

Jaune: Yeah, I think that's like, a year ago, and then from now on- Like, they had to die, I think.

Tai: [noise of understanding]

Ren: [looking very pleased with himself] So I didn't do anything wrong.

Tai: So how do you save everyone, then?

Jaune: No.

Ren: Is what you're saying.

[brief pause]

Ren: And, uh-

Tai: So when you said you could save everyone you were a liar.

Jaune: Well once you, you know

Ren: Well not them.

Blake: He opens his mouth really wide when he talks.

Tai: He was a pretty good devil.

Jaune: They must have put dots all over his face.

Blake: He's a devil in the dream sequence, right?

Tai: I-wa-

Blake: The Big Lebowski?

Tai: He was, yeah. But he was also the devil in, uh, Constantine.

Blake: Oh. I never saw that.

Jaune: He was also in…

Blake: He was also in Jurassic Park 2, wasn't he? Lost World?

Jaune: Bad Boys 2.

Tai: He put Steve Buscemi in a wood chipper.

Jaune: Yeah, he was in Lost World. He got eaten by the little nippies.

Blake: Oh yeah. In Fargo.

Ren: [giggling] Little nippies?

Jaune: Little nipsters.

Ren: Compassssszzzziorus?

Jaune: Compies. Compsigujenashious.

Ren: Yeah!

Jaune: Compies.

Tai: Stormare? More like Bore-mare. [Blake groans] God damn.

Ren: Nice vest, though.

STORMARE PUTS PHOTO UPSIDE DOWN IN FRONT OF PLAYER

Blake: Why not just put it on the correct side up.

Tai: I hope it's a picture of those two dead girls.

Jaune: [snort] How does it make you feel?

[pause]

Ren: He doesn't sound like he's speaking with any kind of accent, but it could be because of-

Blake: Look down, Ren.

Ren: Look. What do you wan-

Jaune: Nah, he's got an accent in there. I heard it.

Ren: Alright, here we go.

[anticipatory noises]

[Blake sneezes]

Jaune: Bless you.

CHARACTER TURNS OVER PHOTO. IT IS A SCARECROW IN FRONT OF A FARM HOUSE.

Tai: Gesundheit.

Blake: Excuse me. That was my choice.

Tai: Oh.

Jaune: I think we're gonna- I think we're about to learn a lot about Ren.

Tai: It's the uh- That's the last level of Left 4 Dead 1.

Ren: Yeah. Look at that. That's cute. What-

Blake: Why do you have a glove on?

Ren: What do you want from me now? Well it's cold outside.

Blake: Look at him.

Ren: Do you see the dude's vest.

VIDEO FADES OUT HERE


	56. RWBY JNPR Weekly Update - Number Eight

"It's RJWU!" Ruby shouted, holding the microphone with their logo on it. The office behind her was much different, but the video cut before anyone could notice. It cut to six men standing in front of a camera. One with a curly mustache, one with a ginger beard, a man in a purple hoodie, one with curly hair, one with an abnormally large nose, and a man who just like a dad.

"From the Achieve-Men!" The mustached man said, "This is RJWU Number eight!" They said the last part all together.

Ruby was back in front of the camera, smiling. "I think Yang did a backflip when we got that video." She said.

The office behind her was different; because well, it was a different room. The desks were in the center, and there was a bookshelf with all kinds of stuff on it in the background. Against the wall was a couch, with an assortment of odd pillows on it. (AH's current office)

"We moved." She said. "New building. New office. This place used to be an plane hangar. It's fucking huge!"

The video cut, and this time, no one was in frame. Soon, the all eight of them slid into frame. "This is Ruby and her seven greatest mistakes!" Ruby said, causing Yang to fall down, laughing. "And you're watching RJWU."

"Who's the biggest mistake, Rubes!?" Jaune asked.

Nora slowly slid out of frame, expecting Ruby to out her. "Now, now, children." Ruby said. "I hate all of you equally!"

They all cheered, but once they were done, Ruby spoke again, "But if I had to choose, Weiss."

They all pushed the Ice Queen to the front of the group and smiled widely as they pointed at her. Yang made it even better by picking Weiss up and singing the Lion King theme. They all laughed, and it cut.

Ruby was the only one in frame now, Jaune was technically in frame, but only because his desk was as well, "Coming up on our one year anniversary." Ruby said, rather uninterested. She was reading off of a piece of paper, and upon reading the next announcement, raised an eyebrow.

The video cut, and Blake was suddenly in frame, looking over Ruby's shoulder. She turned away, laughed and turned back to Ruby, whispering, "Read it." Into her ear.

Ruby smiled, chuckled a bit, and then winked at the audience, letting them know that what she was about to say was indeed a joke.

The video cut again, and this time, Jaune was taking a rather large drink of water, and Ruby now had a straight face.

"In other news!" She cheerily said. "Someone in the office might be carrying a child!"

Jaune fell backwards in his chair, spitting out all the water he had been drinking, and spilling the rest on his shirt.

"WHAT?!" Yang cried from the other end of Ruby's desk.

Ruby very nonchalantly glanced back at the two, who were in no way in on it, as Yang looked like she was about to kill Jaune.

"Whoever wrote this…" Ruby said, chuckling. "Is getting a fucking raise!"

The video cut again. Yang and Jaune had not moved, and laughter filled the room, specifically from Ruby and Blake, who were laying on the floor, clutching their sides.

Jaune finally spoke after a few seconds, "I just wanna clarify!" He said, "I honestly thought she had been cheating on me for a second."

"Yeah," Yang scoffed. "Like that could happen."

Ruby sat up, "Hey!" She said. "It's true! But, hey!"

Meanwhile, Blake was still rolling on the floor, as Ruby was back standing in front of the camera.

"We killed Blake." She gestured to the faunas, who was now crying from laughter.

"Let's stop."


	57. Let's Play - Trivial Pursuit - Part 1

A new intro played, with a controller falling, the cord forming the words "Let's Play"

"Eh!" Everyone's voices said, each voice more bored than the last.

It then cut to a screen that read "Let's Play Trivial Pursuit With Ruby, Jaune, Yang, Blake, and Nora."

"LLLLLET'S PLAY!" Nora screeched on a loading screen.

"Alright," Ruby said. "Let's Play, fucking… Uh… Trivial Pursuit!"

"Let's play!" Yang said.

The screen faded to a screen that said the title of the game, then panned down to four characters, each on a pedestal.

"I'm using our three hundred dollar remote to turn down the volume." Blake said.

"What're you doing here, Blake?" Jaune ever so sarcastically asked.

"I'm doing to be the announcer." Blake told him.

"Right." Nora said.

"Round one!" Blake read from the screen.

There was a spinning wheel on the screen, an arrow coming down on one of the many images. The image was of a shoe with a bolt of lightning on it.

"We're doing the Quickstarter." Blake said.

"Yay!" Ruby declared.

"As always, correct answers score you points." Blake read.

"Whoever fills their fucking pie first wins." Yang told them.

"What creature has the largest eyes in the animal kingdom?" Blake asked.

"Fuck!" Ruby and Jaune said in unison.

"Elephant? Oarfish? Blue Whale, or Giant Squid?"

"Giant Squid!" Ruby shouted. "It's all in the name!"

"It's the fucking whale!" Nora shouted back. "Whales are bigger!"

"Elephant…" Jaune quietly said, adding nothing more.

Yang said nothing as she selected her answer.

When the answer was revealed, it also showed that both sisters selected the squid; the correct answer.

Yang laughed. "Ruby doesn't know shit about animals," she said. "But she gets really lucky."

Ruby laughed. "True…"

"Mother fucker!" Nora shouted.

"The elusive Giant Squid has eyes as wide as dinner plates!" Blake read.

"Squids have eyes?!" Nora asked loudly.

"Let's welcome, RubySummerRose, VomitBoy, NoraTheQueen, and YangXL to their first game!"

"Glad to be here!" Ruby said confidently.

"Not so much." Jaune said.

And Yang just made a farting noise. Why? The world may never know.

"And Nora's just giving me the finger…" Blake said, laughing. "Arts and Literature!" She said, as the screen flashed the category.

"What magical item allows Harry Potter to move around Hogwarts unseen in the Harry Potter book series?" Blake asked.

"It had a weird name, didn't it?" Jaune asked.

"Oh, come on!" Ruby shouted.

"The Gillyweed? Sneakoscope? The Invisibility cloak, or the Deluminator?" Blake asked.

"This is too easy!" Nora said.

Ruby chuckled, and Jaune just stuttered.

"The sneakoscope!" Ruby laughed as it showed that everyone had gotten the correct answer.

"Thought you didn't know it, Jaune!" Yang said.

"I lied."

"Oh."

"Looks like you all knew that one!" Blake read.

"Ruby and Yang seem to be winning." Jaune said.

"You bet your ass!" Yang said.

"High five!" Ruby shouted. There was a loud smack, and Ruby shouted, "Team Sisters!"

There was a cut, and suddenly, they all had more points.

"Last question of round one! RubySummerRose select a category!" Blake read. "History? Or Sports and Leisure?"

"Sports!" Ruby said, excitedly. Regardless of the fact that the video had obviously skipped at least two questions, the two sisters were still winning.

"If a player who is at advantage in the game of tennis loses the next point, what is the score?" Blake asked.

"Shit!" Jaune said.

"Dammit!" Nora said.

"Fuck…" Yang sighed. Ruby didn't say anything, which meant she either knew the answer, or didn't want to let the others know she didn't.

"Deuce? Love? No-Advantage? Or disadvantage?" Blake asked.

And somehow, every except for Yang got this one right.

"If the player wins the point, he or she wins the game!" Blake said.

"How could you?" Yang asked Ruby.

"Cause I wanna win."

At this point, everyone, except for Yang had a single section of their pie filled, and that's where the video ended.


	58. Let's Watch - Until Dawn - Part 2

The intro is the same as the one from Trivial Pursuit, but the audio is different.

Ren: Do you see the dude's vest.

[Video begins]

PUTS DOWN PICTURE

Ren: Alright, I'm done with this.

[Jaune laughs]

Ren: H- Uuuh.

Jaune: Yeah. We're gonna learn a lot about Ren's. Personality.

Ren: How…

Blake: Yeah, we'll let Ren answer this one.

Ren: How does it make me feel?

Tai: Hmmm.

Ren: It makes me happy.

Jaune: Scarecrow makes you happy?

Ren: Well it looks like-

Blake: [doing Dracula voice] That's good.

Ren: there's corn, there's industry. Agriculture's happening.

[Tai laughing]

Ren: Society has not fallen apart. [selects choice] It's peaceful.

[Blake snickers]

Jaune: Awww.

DR. HILL SAYS "AHH"

Blake: Ahh!

Ren: Ahh!

Jaune: Ren's positive outlook.

Tai: Uh-oh, he's writing shit down.

Blake: Crazy motherfucker

Ren: Look, I-

Blake: Got it. Circle, underline.

Ren: Society hasn't crashed. Obviously someone is tilling the land.

Tai: I bet that pen is expensive as shit.

Ren: The hook on the hand is a little [presented with choice] Oh, shit. What did he say?

Blake: Would it make you be happy to spend a week there. By yourself.

Ren: Yeah. Yeah. Let's do it.

Jaune: You spend a- What would you do?

Ren: You know-

Tai: Chuck corn.

Ren: Eat corn.

Jaune: Churn butter.

[pause]

DR. ASKS IF YOU'D CARE IT IT WAS HAUNTED

Blake: Ooooooh.

Ren: Okay.

Jaune: Fuck that.

Ren: I'd-

Tai: [scared, tense noise]

REN HIGHLIGHTS 'I WOULDN'T CARE'

Tai: [tense] Oh bullshit. You'd be so scared.

Ren: Whatever.

Jaune: You wouldn't go there for a week if you knew it was haunted.

Tai: My daughters would last longer!

Ren: [brushing it off] It's not haunted.

Jaune: They're not afraid of anything!

[Blake laughs at Ren]

Blake: [gibberish gurgling mocking Dr. Hill]

Tai: He looks like he's gonna eat you.

Ren: He does, kinda.

Jaune: The teeth in this game- The teeth are weird.

Blake: Yeah, mouths are the problem. Like they've got everything with animation but mouths they still don't have.

Ren: This guys-

Tai: I wonder if they put the same amount of butt work into the teeth?

Ren: Now you know what would make me not. Want to go there and be scared? If he was gonna be there.

Tai: Hm, he's the ghost.

Jaune: You mean you wouldn't be scared if he was there or you would?

Ren: No I would- He would make me scared. If he were there.

Tai: You're gonna find out at the very end. That you were sitting in this room by yourself the whole time.

Jaune: You could spend a week talking about his career.

Ren: Well, I mean, his character in this game, not like-

Jaune: Oh.

Ren: this actor.

[Jaune laughs]

Blake: So is this just a psychiatry game? All we gotta do is stay here?

Ren: We're gonna just sit in this room and take some Rorschach tests.

Blake: Come back in one week.

Jaune: You seemed to have bored him.

Tai: [gruff voice] You're in here with me.

Ren: He's like, well you're not scared. Well, fuck.

PROJECTOR

[Blake and Jaunw laugh]

Ren: Uh-oh! You're projector's running out.

Blake: That's also a-

Ren: Change the reel.

Blake: That's an Evil Dead 1 thing.

Tai: Yep.

ZOOM OVER OF MOUNTAINS WHILE RADIO TALKS

Blake: Mt. Washington.

Ren: So-

Blake: They actually just renamed it to Mt. Denali.

Ren: Would one of them have survived if I'd have let go?

Tai: Clap two!

Blake: Brata…

Tai: Bratta…

Blake: [gruff grumbling noise]

Jaune: I assume they both would have eaten it.

Ren: Aww.

Jaune: Man, she hit her back hard on that rock.

Blake: She did.

Tai: Yeah she did.

Jaune: It was like – [cracking noise]. That was a good back break should.

[pause]

Blake: Oh, is this a Twilight game?

[pause]

Blake: No? Alright, cool.

[laughter]

Tai: Yeah, I'm on team dragon.

SOME GIRL ON BUS

Ren: Hey! It's you!

Jaune: That looks really good. Like that totally looks her.

Tai: [appreciative] Dude.

Blake: Wow, look at that.

Ren: Yeah, that does look good.

Jaune: Yeah, as long as she- When she's not talking, it looks great. But she's gonna start talking and ruin it.

Ren: They must have scanned her really. Close.

Jaune: That being- I'm talking- I'm referring to the animation-

Blake: [to Ren] Real close?

Jaune: not like

Ren: No no, we know what you saying, Jaune. [mutters] Women hater.

GIRL LOOKS AT VIDEO ON PHONE

Blake: D'ah!

Ren: It's that guy! It's- no, it's a different guy. Oh! It's that guy.

Tai: Oh shit.

[brief pause]

Tai: That's uh- That's the main character from Mr. Robot.

[pause]

Blake: Mr. Robot?

Tai: Yeah.

Jaune: Ram-Ramy- Ramey-

Tai: Rammie Eyes-Are-too-Far-Apart Guy.

Jaune: [chuckles] He was also in. Not that I should have seen this movie. He was in Night at the Museum. He's like the Pharaoh or something.

Tai: Oh yeah.

Blake: Oh you're right! Yeah, you're totally right. Dude, you can see that. It's a good movie.

Ren: You can own up to having see that.

Tai: I know I've been- I've been harping on this awhile now, but Mr. Robot.

Blake: Do you- Do you know who writes the Night at the Museum movies?

Tai: Yeah.

Blake: Do you, Jaune?

Jaune: No.

Blake: It's Ben Grant and Thomas Lennon. The guys from Reno 911. It's Dangle and Junior.

Tai: Yeah.

Jaunw: Really?

Tai: Yeah.

Blake: Yeah.

Jaune: Oh, wow.

Blake: Yeah, they write those movies.

Tai: And make a butt load of money doing em.

Blake: Yeah. Make a shit ton of money doing that and then go do Reno 911 Vale. [Jaune laughing] With all that money.

Tai: [laughing] It's kind how that went.

Blake: Yeah, no, it's exactly it. They do the family movies make a fuck-ton of cash and then go do stupid shit for fun.

Jaune: We didn't listen to anything that he said.

Ren: I'm listening.

Jaune: Oh.

Blake: He's probably dead.

Ren: I'm staying focused just in case it comes up later.

Jaune: Okay.

[pause]

Blake: So we have to-

Ren: I don't remember him. Was he the one that was passed out before.. Is this Josh?

Jaune: Yeah.

SUBTITLES CONFIRM IT IS JOSH

Ren: [points] It is Josh!

Blake: Yeah. Do we have to find the golden tablet to get him to live again.

Ren: This is how much I was paying attention, I didn't realize that was Josh.

Blake: Is that- is that why everyone was sleeping cause they didn't have the golden tablet?

[chuckles]

Jaune: Yeah.

Tai: We have to- we have to uh-

Jaune: His face started to go gammy.

Tai: With the Hack Evil Corp. With is a reference you'd all get if you'd watched goddamn Mr. Robot.

Blake: The last one had Alice Steve-

Jaune: Is it any good?

Tai: Fucking tremendous.

Jaune: Oh.

Blake: And uh, Hugh Jackman in it.

Jaune: I gotta start watching it.

Tai: Blue Ruin and Mr. Robot. Those are my recommendations of the year.]

Blake: What kind of phone is that?

Ren: It's a- d- Sansalapple.

Tai: And Arby's.

[Jack chuckles]

–

LOOKING AT SIGN TO PLACE.

Ren: Nope. No murders here.

Jaune: Where the weather's always great.

Ren: Blackwood Pines.

Blake: We're gonna go to a nice cabin in- in Death Lane Ave.

[laughter]

Ren: This is a trucker?

Blake: DeathWood MurderSpree.

Ren: What kind of hood has that?

Jaune: Of course it's safe to walk down Stab Alley at night.

Blake and Ren: [reading] Friendship.

Blake: [deep voice] Babality.

Ren: [reading, deep voice] ten house until dawn

BUS DROPS OF GIRL

Ren: Alright.

Blake: [impression] Dead by dawn!

Ren: Was that the fucking death shuttle? What- How do you? Get that guy to come pick you up?

Jaune: I reckon you're-

Blake: Who the fuck-

GUY WITH KNIFE LINGERING ABOUT

Blake: Oh!

Ren: Who the fuck!

Blake: That didn't take long.

[laughing]

Blake: It's only a fifteen minute game.

Jaune: Gets her throat slit before the front gate.

[laughing dies down]

FLASHING AROUND FOR THE CHARACTER INTRODUCTION SCREEN

Blake: Wow w- [demon garbling noise]

Ren: [demon garbling noise]

Blake: Sam!

Ren and Jaune: [reading] Considerate. Adventurous.

Tai: Diligent.

Blake: She enjoys tacos.

Ren: Timely.

Blake: And saving dolphins on the coast.

Ren: Pithy.

Jaune: Cheerleader.

Tai: Self breast exams.

[Ren chuckles]

Blake: Dumb hats.

Ren: Poor choice in clothing.

GIRL IS ASKING 'HELLO'

Ren: Hello?

Blake: Who are you talking to? Also, why the fa-

Ren: Machete guy.

Blake: Why would you get off that bus by yourself in this goddamn forest.

Ren: It's safe. [reading] Path to cable car station.

Jaune: That was a fast two minutes.

Blake: Oh, good thing there's no lights. You don't have a fucking flashlight. Ah, yeah, there you go. Fuck that bus driver.

Ren: Tutorial. Mmmove the camera

Blake: That's the right stick.

Ren: I thought I could do this [steering wheels the controller]- There, yeah

Jaune: You're turning your head.

Ren: I can still turn the head around but that doesn't move the camera.

Blake: She's shacking her head no, like nope.

Jaune: [singing] Thriller.

Ren: Look at the sky!

APPROACHES IRON GATE

[Video fades out]


	59. ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY

Ruby walked into the officer, holding a cake and wearing a birthday hat. Ren was behind her, and who knows who was filming.

"Happy anniversary!" Ruby shouted into the room.

The camera panned around the empty room.

"I'm here!" Yang shouted.

"Eh." Ruby said, waving her arm. She handed the cake to Ren, who looked at the camera and said, "I have cake."

Ruby began to blow on one of those party things that extends when you blow into it.

"These used to make a noise." She said.

"Make it yourself." Ren encouraged.

Ruby did just that twice, and then did it once slow and sad sounding.

Ren handed Ruby the cake, and she began to eat it.

"Wanna film a let's watch?" He asked.

"What's the point?" Ruby gloomily asked.

She ate cake until the video faded out.


	60. Let's Watch - Until Dawn - Part 3

APPROACHES IRON GATE

Blake: Oh this looks safe.

Ren: [singing and humming] de de de de Thriller. De uh uh uh.

Jaune: Can you make her arms go up?

Ren: [humming] uhn uhn uhn uhn uhn. Nope, I can't.

TaI: Nothing spooky about that.

Ren: Note!

Blake: X is A. Right bumper- er, right trigger.

Jaune: What does that say?

Ren: And- [reading] Gate's busted, climb over.

Blake: Club over.

[Tai laughs]

Ren: Alright.

Blake: Okay.

Jaune: That is a heavy ask.

Ren: Uh, no. We're just gonna rattle it first. [shakes controller] ehn ehn ehn ehn.

Blake: Oh, it worked.

Ren: [reading subtitles] Jesus Never mind[/] Goddammit.

Jaune: Who would climb over that?

Ren: Oh, this is spiky on top- [accidentally re-approached the gate] no. No.

Blake: Go to the rocks side.

Ren: No, I don't want to do this. [away from gate] Alright let's- stop prompting me there. Over here?

Blake: Yeah.

Blake: Climb up.

Ren: Doot doot doot doot. I'm a rock climber now.

CHOICES

Ren: Quick. Safe.

Blake: Quick.

Ren: Quick?

Jaune: Last time you took quick.

Ren: Safe.

JACK: Aw.

Ren: It'd be fun- [missed QTE] ah fuck shit.

Blake: That's-

[Tai laughing]

Blake: A. That was actually B.

Jaune: Be amazing if you tripped and broke your ankles on the first wall.

Ren: Uhh [panicking] Climb or jump? Climb or jump! Eh-je-

Blake: Climb!

Ren: It's- at this point it's whichever one I can get to-

Blake: Y.

Ren: light up.

Blake: X.

[Jaune snickers quietly]

Ren: We did it! Fall on your head. Fall on your head. Fall on your head.

Blake: Humpty Dumpty it. Humpty Dumpty.

Ren: Up skirt. [of the character who's butt is facing away from the camera]

Jaune: [laughing] Jesus.

Ren: There it is.

[laughter, carries on a bit]

Ren: Little fan service. Got a throw it in there.

[pause]

Ren: Doot doot. Look, we're leaving footprints.

[pause]

Ren: Should I like investigate or nah-

Blake: Oh! It's a squirrel.

Jaune: It's a red squirrel.

Blake: Hello squirrel. [reading] When the Don't Move icon is on screen, keep the wireless controller as still as possible.

Ren: I'm not moving. I'm not moving.

Blake: Shack it.

Jaune POKES Ren

Ren: Stop it!

[laughter]

Blake: Oh, it bite your finger.

Tai: Friendly ass squirrel. Congratulations on your rabies, dickhead.

Ren: Now I have rabies.

Jaune: [laughs] She's a dickhead.

Blake: Right bumper.

Ren: You know they've completely eliminated- uh uhn [controller stuff]

Blake: Oh, you can press R1 to see your next-

PAUSE SCREEN WITH STATS

Jaune: In Menagerie

Tai: They've completely eliminated squirrels?

Ren: Yeah. Uh, no. Rabies in Menagerie.

Blake: Mm hmm.

Tai: Really.

Ren: Look look I've got character tr- I'm hone- I'm pretty honest.

Jaune: Not very romantic.

Ren: Very charitable. Not funny at all.

Blake: Not romantic at all.

Ren: But brave as shit.

[brief pause]

Ren: And a little curious.

Blake: Well you're walking through a goddamn forest at night.

Tai: Would you say you're bi-curious?

Ren: [high pitched considering noise] [back to Stat Screen] It's not listed.

Tai: Hm.

Ren: It is kind of lined up kind next to Matt

Blakw: What's your relationship shtatus[pr]? with Ashley or Emily

Jaunw: Shtatus[pr]

Ren: Uh, I'm not into Jess, but Ashley Chris, Emily and Matt all have a chance.

Blake: Is Jess a guy or or

Tai: I'mma bet that Jess is a girl otherwise it would only be two- three girls in the game.

Ren: Wait. Did that say the twins? It did say the twins.

Jaune: Press R1.

Tai: Of course there's gonna be twins.

DIFFERENT MENU SCREEN. THIS ONE HAS SQUARES.

Ren: Hm. Clue not found.

Blake: You gotta find clues.

Ren: 1952. [Tai makes oohing] Know nothing about that year.

Jaune: Mystery Man.

SCROLLING THROUGH MENU SCREENS

Ren: Also know nothing. Totems. We found one of those.

Blake: We got one.

Ren: That worked out really well for us.

Blake: Events of the past.

RETURN TO GAMEPLAY

Ren: Alright, let's get about our business.

Jaune: Dun dun.

Ren: Look, the lights work this time.

Blake: Aye, that's good.

Ren: Oh that's a- that's a Home Depot special right there. That's 29.99 for a set of three.

Blake: Oo, my oven.

Ren: Solar powered.

Blake: Oh there's a giant totem. Can you pick it up?

Jaune: Ah, there's a furnace.

Ren: No one ever got cooked here. Especially not an Indian.

SIGN ABOUT INDIGENOUS PEOPLE AND BUTTERFLY PROPHECIES

Blake: [mocking] Ah, cool.

Jaune: Natives.

Ren: Indigenous people and butterflies. [looks at others confused] Was that a big thing with the Indian population?

Tai: I- I do-

Ren: Sorry, Native

Tai: I don't know, to be honest with you.

Ren: Did they have a butterfly thing.

Tai: If one could-

Blake: Sure.

Tai: if this game is to be believed, then yes.

Ren: Aright.

Jaune: So there's five different types of totem.

Ren: OoooOoo.

Jaune: It seems.

Ren: Danger, loss, guidance, or fortune. Alright, here's hoping for all white butterflies.

TOTEM ON GROUND

Blake: Op, you dropped one.

Ren: Dammit!

[laughter]

Jaune: It might be white.

Blake : Right trigger. Ri- Yeah, right trigger.

Ren: That's [holds up controller, furiously pressing triggers] not. Do you- stop tutorializing me!

Blake: Hit A.

MENU SCREEN

Ren: No, it's- stop it!

BACK TO GAME

Ren: I get it! What do you want from me? There we go.

CHARACTER PICKS UP TOTEM

Blake: Oooh, is it black?

Ren: We did our nails.

[anticipatory ooohs]

Ren: Ready? Ready? Aaaaand- op.

TOTEM TURNED OVER

Blake: It's black.

Ren: Yellow, which is, grief right? Or loss? Or healing? Oh shit I-

Jaune: Oh, it's guidance.

Ren: Guidance.

Jaune: So, watch out for a bird, or something.

Blake: Watch out for…

TOTEM MENU

Ren: [reading] Yellow- guidance. A vision of guidance for a future choice.

Jaune: What does it say about it?

Ren: Uuuh.

Jaune: Inspect it.

Ren: Inspect.

Jaune: Oh, I guess it doesn't really give you anything.

Blake: There's a dude.

Ren: There's a bird. It doesn't say anything about the bird though. [prophecy voice] A bird will land. You will see the bird.

Blake: Does it have three eyes?

Jaune: The bird will land on the table.

BACK TO GAME

Ren: Beware the. Bird.

Jaune: Beware of birds and tables.

Blake: Just place that there so someone else can [something]

Ren: And the eye's of March. I don't- I don't know why.

[pause]

Ren: [reading] The future is uncertain. Whether or not the prophecy comes true depends on the choices you make.

Blake: Ooh, look at that.

Tai: Op! There goes the bird.

Ren: There went the bird! There went the bird.

Blake: Pretty skyscape.

BACK TO MENU AND BACK TO GAME

Ren: Tutorial about that bird. No, we're good.

[Jaune chuckles]

Ren: What's written on the sign?

Blake: That's a nice looking mountain.

Ren: R1 to walk faster. I mean L1. I mean- yeah, fuck.

A GRAFFITIED SIGN

Blake: [reading] The past is beyond our control.

[pause]

Ren: Alright.

Blake: Turn it over.

[Jaune laughs]

REN DOES TURNING IT OVER MOTION CONTROLS

Ren: Doesn't work.

[pause]

Ren: Can we go inside now? Shit, this is just the cable car to get to the creepy mountain.

Blake: [scared sounding] Chris?

Ren: Hey!

Blake: HelloOoo.

Tai: Okay.

Jaune: I've never taken a cable car.

Tai: Never?

Jaune: No.

Tai: Ruby and I took one in Atlas. And I developed a fear of heights.

Jaune: We took like a cable chair in Patch.

Tai: Yeah we did.

CHARACTER MAKES BAD JOKE

[fake laughter]

Ren: She's not funny, remember? Oh look.

THERE IS A BACKPACK

Blake: Oh a cellphone.

Ren: Deodorant. No, uh, yeah.

Jaune: [snickering] Deodorant.

Blake: What?

Jaune: With a light up screen.

Ren: [laughs] It's the future, man. Do we snoop?

Blake: Snoop!

Jaune: Wait, what's the top one?

Ren: Close bag, or snoop?

Jaune: You gotta snoop, right?

Blake: Look at his photos.

Ren: Uhn ehn. Are we looking for nudes.

CHARACTER LEANS IN AND BUTTERFLIES GO ACROSS SCREEN

Jaune: Ren. Look at you.

Blake: Oh, you butterflied.

Jaune: You just changed the future.

Ren: D- What does that mean?

Blake: Ooooh. From Ashley.

Ren: Ashley.

A GUY CATCHES GIRL CHARACTER SNOOPING

Ren: Der-der.

CHRIS INTRO

[Ren and Blake make sounds of a cassette tape rewinding]

Ren: Has a crush on Ashley.

Tai: Uh-oh.

Ren: Protective. Humorous.

Jaune: Wait. Which one's Ashley again?

Ren: Methodical.

Blake: So is this the funny pothead?

Ren: We haven't met her yet.

[Video fades out]


	61. Play Pals - Slender

"Fuckin' Plaaaay Paaaals!" Ruby shouted in her deepest voice. There was a facecam on her, and it was apparent that Weiss was sitting beside her. On the screen was the main menu for Slender.

"We finally got around to doing it." Weiss said.

"I know we said that Play Pals was supposed to be me and Jaune, but that wouldn't be very entertaining."

"I'm the only one who will actually yell at her:" The heiress deadpanned.

[Cut]

Weiss was the one playing as they roamed around the dark forest. I feel like I should now describe what's behind them. Behind them was a blank, white wall with the RWBY glamor poster barely visible.

"What am I supposed to be doing?" Weiss asked.

"Oh my God…" Ruby sighed, slumping back in her chair.

"I'VE NEVER PLAYED THIS FUCKING GAME BEFORE!" Weiss screamed, turning to Ruby.

Ruby snickered, as Weiss lowered her voice, "What do you want from me?" Weiss herself was trying not to laugh. And holy fuck am I good at forgetting details. They were wearing Razer Kraken headphones, and Ruby was wearing the Ruby shirt. Weiss was wearing a RJX shirt.

"Just grab the pieces of paper stapled to trees." Ruby told her, "After a while a face-less man will try to come and kill you; no big deal!"

"What weapons do I have?" Weiss asked.

"Your ability to run like hell."

Weiss began to slowly walk through the forest, "Oh, it looks like I have a torch." She said.

"That's a fucking flashlight, Weiss…" Ruby said.

"That's a torch!" Weiss glanced over at Ruby.

"I've played Skyrim. That's not a fucking torch!" Ruby shouted.

"Whatever…" Weiss waved her off.

"Oh, look at me!" Ruby said, speaking as proper as she could, "I'm sophisticated! I CALL THINGS BY THE WRONG FUCKING NAME!"

There was suddenly a loud bump and Ruby fell out of her chair, dragging the mouse with her.

"YOU DISCONNECTED THE MOUSE!" Weiss screamed. "YOU DOLT! YOU MURDERER!"

"My knee!" Ruby cried out.

"MY LEG!" Jaune shouted from the other side of the room, imitating the SpongeBob fish perfectly.

[Cut]

Ruby was now back in her seat, playing with her hair and watching the screen nervously.

"Ah!" Ruby suddenly jumped.

"What?!" Weiss asked, looking around in the game.

"Was that him?!" Ruby looked terrified.

"What?! Where?!" Weiss was getting progressively more scared as time went on.

"I don't know!" Any look of fear disappeared from Weiss' face, and was replaced with anger. "HOW'S THAT GONNA FUCKING HELP ME?!"

"IT'S GONNA HELP YOU BE MORE CAREFUL!" Ruby shouted back. "When the news tells you that there's a murderer on the loose, they don't tell you where! They tell you so you can be more careful!"

"They don't tell you because they don't know where the fucker is!"

"EXACTLY!"

The screen was suddenly covered in static as Slender Man appeared. They both screamed and jumped, only Ruby falling out of her chair.

Ruby quickly got back up, dragging her chair with her as she stormed off. "I can't do this!" She shouted. "I just can't!"


	62. REWRITE

So, this fic is going to be rewritten. I feel like I might have fucked it up a long time ago. Most of the characters are OOC, and I feel like I could do better with this. I'm not sure when the rewrite will come out, but it's coming... Eventually.


End file.
